Friday, July 17, 2009

The corners

I, Janelle, haven't had such a wonderful day in a long time as the one Kali and I enjoyed at home yesterday. I'm still trying to digest the whys of it. There was no reason for it to be a perfectly fabulous day. See, Kali has been sick most of the week (since Tuesday) with a nasty bug of some sort - the most likely culprits include an UTI, strep throat or a tick-borne disease of some sort (in that order, with a virus also still a possibility). She was pretty droopy Wednesday and Thursday and I endured two restless nights that couldn't help but remind me of our care-taking days/months with Nora. So Friday dawned and Jason left for work up the hill and we were home for the day. I went into the day with very low expectations - hmmm, that might have something to do with the fact that the day was just peppered with pleasant surprises!!

Sometimes I find myself surprised by the things that end up sustaining me or giving me new insights or perspectives. The day yesterday just felt like it stretched out before us, long and luxurious. I cleared my mental space of the zillion things I could (maybe "should") be doing and settled into to allowing the day unfold as it might. The crazy thing was that I ended up doing more than I ever intended to get done and it neatly fit in between ushering Kali to the bathroom umpteen times, reading Anne of the Island for hours (until we finished it and started on Anne of the Windy Poplars), going for a walk and admiring our budding artist's drawings. I got a double batch of yogurt made, to restock our depleted supply after making a good number of fruit smoothies this week for the sore throats in the house. I tried two new recipes, using the many zucchini that we have been blessed with (we'll never get around to growing our own if friends are so generous with us!!). I worked on some planning for our little girl who will soon be turning SIX! And had fun with Kali getting together a little package for one of her closest friends who will also soon be turning six.

But it wasn't the activities that got me thinking so much as the positive and hopeful attitude that seemed to filter through them. It didn't hurt anything to see the sparkle coming back into Kali's eyes and to be able to touch her skin without it burning. But I'd like to think it was something even more than that. The week held elements of slowing down out of sheer necessity that never cease to amaze me in their effectiveness at sharpening my perspective and helping me hold tight to what I care most about.

Even though I am apt to say "I'm not cut out for mothering" when Kali falls sick and I'm a worried mess, allowing my mind to travel down all sorts of scary paths that then follow me into my dreams during the restless nights of caring for her. Yet what the care-taking does for my soul feels priceless. It doesn't hurt either that it takes me back to lessons learned and feelings missed that it conjures up within me regarding the months we spent being present to Nora and allowing most other things to fall by the wayside. Hard and long months and yet ones that stand out as months in which I slowly was able to let go of some of the things I had held dear to allow room for other things to take root. Then in a week like this one, when I find it getting slightly easier to let go, I feel gratefulness welling up in me.

I should probably give some credit where credit is due before closing this post. I can't quite describe in words how much I've loved reading the Anne series with Kali and how silly I feel at times as she looks up at me to find me crying once again over some beautiful, romantic, sad passage. I'm a complete sap when it comes to these books, but they really connect with something deep in me. What sticks out for me is it feels like Anne and her kindred spirits seldom "cut corners" on life. The goal was not how fast, how much, how efficient... As I read the detail descriptions of home, walks, gardens, people, nature, and emotions there is no doubt that one must be fully present to the moment to absorb all the intricacies of life. And how much I feel I miss when all I can see is the never ending "to do" list that we seem to have as we continue to uncover the treasures of our 5 acres.

On our walk yesterday afternoon I found myself consciously trying to slow down rather than speed up. To breath in the air, to notice the wind, to look around. I found myself cursing the speed and shine of the cars whizzing past. My mind floated from one thing to the next, trying to clear out space to allow tidbits of wisdom to filter in on how I can add the corners back onto life. They sometimes hold the most wonderful surprises!

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