Today marked 5 years since Nora died. Monday evening I admitted to Jason that it felt really odd to not feel "ready" for the anniversary of your daughter's death. How does one get ready? And what does it mean to be ready? Whatever the answers to those questions might be, I didn't "feel" ready. I, being the over-analyzer that I am, was mulling over the various emotions I was feeling (or in some cases lack thereof). Life just doesn't contain a lot of quiet reflection right now - just come visit for awhile and you'll see why (the bundles of 2 year old and 9 year old energy keep things hopping!). Any reflection time comes around midnight right now and these 5-6 hour nights of sleep can only go on for so long with us functioning positively during the awake hours. So I wasn't sure how today would go or if I would be able to carve out any spaces to "check in" with myself. We are looking forward to another blood drive coming up in about two weeks, but we had made no major plans for today other than to spend it mostly at home and mostly together as a family. It feels like one the main ways that I can honor Nora and the memory of her time with us and the lessons her life taught me is to savor life and the gift of our family. So the only thing we knew we were doing for sure today was to get off the property for a bit for some fishing, a picnic and possibly scoping out rocks for Nora's memory garden. The first two happened and not much of the third. Our departure from the home place was delayed in part because both Jason and I were trying to wrap up some projects from the day (pole bean planting for Jason and cooking for tomorrow's Tangly Woods meal for me) AND because look who arrived today!
What a surprise (because Jason had lost track of when he had set the eggs under the mother hen and because all our other hen-incubated broods had failed to date) and what perfect timing! It really topped off the day for us. It felt so good to see these new little creatures communicating their existence boldly and their mother confirming it. There is also a mother hen with one little chick that hatched today as well. And, in this case, it is actually her chick so that makes it extra special.
Each anniversary is different and the dominant emotion of the day changes. This year's for me was gratitude. I felt so full as we walked with Kali, Alida and Jason down the road to our picnic spot. And throughout the day as messages came in (okay, I'll even be grateful for Facebook's role in spreading the word on events and life happenings), I felt very grateful for those that have journeyed with us and continue to do so. It means a lot to have people remember Nora with us. It makes the memories of that time real to me, as well as the emotions (both of which I'm glad for). Now to carry the perspective a day like this brings to me forward is the ongoing challenge!
Today marked 5 years since Nora died. Monday evening I admitted to Jason that it felt really odd to not feel "ready" for the anniversary of your daughter's death. How does one get ready? And what does it mean to be ready? Whatever the answers to those questions might be, I didn't "feel" ready. I, being the over-analyzer that I am, was mulling over the various emotions I was feeling (or in some cases lack thereof). Life just doesn't contain a lot of quiet reflection right now - just come visit for awhile and you'll see why (the bundles of 2 year old and 9 year old energy keep things hopping!). Any reflection time comes around midnight right now and these 5-6 hour nights of sleep can only go on for so long with us functioning positively during the awake hours. So I wasn't sure how today would go or if I would be able to carve out any spaces to "check in" with myself. We are looking forward to another blood drive coming up in about two weeks, but we had made no major plans for today other than to spend it mostly at home and mostly together as a family. It feels like one the main ways that I can honor Nora and the memory of her time with us and the lessons her life taught me is to savor life and the gift of our family. So the only thing we knew we were doing for sure today was to get off the property for a bit for some fishing, a picnic and possibly scoping out rocks for Nora's memory garden. The first two happened and not much of the third. Our departure from the home place was delayed in part because both Jason and I were trying to wrap up some projects from the day (pole bean planting for Jason and cooking for tomorrow's Tangly Woods meal for me) AND because look who arrived today! 
What a surprise (because Jason had lost track of when he had set the eggs under the mother hen and because all our other hen-incubated broods had failed to date) and what perfect timing! It really topped off the day for us. It felt so good to see these new little creatures communicating their existence boldly and their mother confirming it. There is also a mother hen with one little chick that hatched today as well. And, in this case, it is actually her chick so that makes it extra special. 
Each anniversary is different and the dominant emotion of the day changes. This year's for me was gratitude. I felt so full as we walked with Kali, Alida and Jason down the road to our picnic spot. And throughout the day as messages came in (okay, I'll even be grateful for Facebook's role in spreading the word on events and life happenings), I felt very grateful for those that have journeyed with us and continue to do so. It means a lot to have people remember Nora with us. It makes the memories of that time real to me, as well as the emotions (both of which I'm glad for). Now to carry the perspective a day like this brings to me forward is the ongoing challenge!
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