A doozy of a week!

I figure I better balance out the blog postings!  There is probably no way to have a completely accurate reflection of our lives portrayed in this space since the only times I write are when there is enough space in my day for such a luxury (which automatically means it is probably one of the better, less frazzling days). So just in case anyone is wondering: there were many, many times this week where my nerves were shot, my patience was all used up and I wondered how I was going to keep from falling apart!  And, as usually happens, now that I'm sitting nursing a peaceful, sleeping baby in the comfort of the recliner in our bedroom, it's hard to conjure up the intensity of feelings I've experienced since I last wrote. That is probably a good thing!

As noted in my last posting, we need unscheduled days.  We haven't had one since then and I'm feeling it!  So much for our attempt to not schedule more than two evening things a week - we pretty much had something every day/evening this week.  All good stuff, but stuff nonetheless.  I'll admit to feeling more than a tad challenged by this particular kind of pruning job - how to choose which activities with which people to say no to.  And, honestly, while the activities this week complexified an already challenging time, some of those activities were also life-giving and "normalizing" in a time where I feel rather out of sorts, off-balance and just plain tuckered out.

The week kind of followed a bell curve. It started out horribly with an incredibly taxing work day, improved in the middle of the week and then the last few days were more challenging again. I think Jason got at least 3 desperate phone calls from me on Monday. It was a day in the office with Terah where I had meetings almost back to back all day long.  It started out with a too late and too short nap, which never bodes well for the remainder of the day.  It just felt like very little went as I had hoped it might and I was coming apart at the seams by the time Terah and I pulled up our driveway.  It felt very clear then that the stage of taking Terah with me for long days in the office was coming to rapid close.  It took a horrible, no good, very bad day to bring us to the point of actually working at making a change. I guess I'm glad for that clarity, as much as it was hard to shake feelings of failure that it wasn't working any more. I had another really packed day of meetings on Wednesday but we didn't have time between Monday and Wednesday to get Terah acclimated to mama's milk from a rubber nipple.  So I headed back in with her Wednesday, with significantly lowered expectations and a dose of trepidation. It went so much better, in part I think because my day was book ended with walks with good friends.  I was grateful to end my time bringing her in for full days with a good day. I still hope she might join me occasionally when I have a day with few meetings and don't have to be in as long.  Everyone has been so welcoming of our little duo and a number seemed genuinely sad to here me say that it was probably our last full day there together.

I am still pondering a short conversation with one of the students I work with.  She noted how she had just been thinking how wonderful it was that I was coming to work with Terah.  I had such a mixture of emotions in response to her comments.  On the one hand I'm so glad that she thinks it is great that I'm there with a baby.  I'm grateful that no one has made me feel like Terah "doesn't belong" at the office.  It seems to me that I'm the main one that has made that determination.  Most people have only expressed encouragement or awe or a sense of being inspired by the feat we are pulling off, working together.  But I'm not sure I want to be a shining example for anyone.  Maybe if I wasn't such a perfectionist, if I didn't have a job that required that I be productive and focused, and if our fourth daughter was a little more "chill," it might work.  I guess I just don't want anyone to look in on what we were attempting and be so inspired as to think it's a great set up and that they might like to also give it a try.  Again, not that it couldn't work well for some for a longer period of time, but I have found it be super hard!

Initially the balance tipped in favor of continuing, despite the challenges.  It felt worth it to have Terah close to me, and to have her be able to eat straight from the source as she needed/wanted to.  Monday was when I realized that the balance had tipped. I was feeling so frustrated (sadly, a lot of that emotion directed at Terah, who was just doing what babies do), and realized that the pressure I was under was eroding my relationship with her. I did not want that!  And it wasn't good for her either. We needed to find a way to relieve some of the pressure.  So that's where the bottle comes in.  The tries to date have included some playing, a tiny bit of sucking, and a little bit of frustration.  I'm glad we have a little time yet before I'll be 20 minutes away.  Most of the time I'm just upstairs.  Today's bottle try happened while I enjoyed my first massage in 6 months.  It was glorious and I had plenty of knots to be worked on!  Alida enjoyed a fun playdate with my massage therapist's daughter and then we all enjoyed a delicious lunch of baked sweet potatoes with sausage gravy and kale before they headed home.  This was clearly a bright spot in the week!

The other main component contributing to my "feeling fried" is that Terah has found her voice and is using it with gusto!  While I don't think of myself as someone who needs a ton of peace and quiet, a little bit of it each day does help me to think clearly.  Terah has had some really, really loud days!  Days where she just doesn't settle easily for naps, where I try nursing, then going for a walk if that fails and then sometimes going for a walk in our woods and nursing at the same time.  Eventually sleep overtakes her, but sometimes not before I'm feeling a little crazy inside.  And, when awake, she makes happy noises but also a lot of what sounds like complaining of various kinds.  She grunts, squawks, shrieks and babbles.  In some of her intense fussing, she is using new consonants and last night it sounded and awful lot like "ma ma ma ma."

There are things that almost always work to calm her.  She loves music.  If any of us break out in a song, it almost always stops her fussing.  She also loves when Jason plays piano with her.  Another calming thing for her is going outside.  Bring on the warmer weather!  Though we were grateful it stayed cold enough for the girls to enjoy one more stint at the Bridgewater ice skating rink before it closes today for the season.  It was Alida's month to pick our family night activity, and not surprisingly she picked a repeat of January.  Everyone seemed to like it about as much as the last time - including Terah who seemed mesmerized by the skaters going round and round.  We were joined by a few friends, which was a bonus (esp. since C is a figure skater and instructor so the girls and Jason got some good tips).

On the home front it is really starting to feel like spring.  Windowsills and shelves are starting to be taken over by trays of various seedlings and plant starts - parsley, basil, peppers, onions, leeks, sweet potatoes.  And the incubator is loaded with the first two broods of chicks due to hatch days before and the day of Alida's 5th birthday.

Our Lent commitment to not purchase any food is going great.  Though it is not feeling like we are "giving up much" with our freezers and pantry and root cellar still loaded with good food.  But it is doing exactly what I hoped it would do - it is making me focus on using up what we have and being creative with new uses for those things that we have in abundance.  It's been fun!

I think we are all benefiting as well from our individual commitments - Kali even moved up her reading time from 10:30 p.m. latest to 10 p.m.  Alida also noted that she added not getting out more than 10 things at a time, but I can report that she has decidedly failed at that one!

We got started with an evening family ritual recently which has stuck and has quickly become a favorite.  We all eagerly anticipate gathering in our bedroom at night for Jason to read (when he isn't cracking up) out loud James Herriott.  What great stories - at least what I hear of them.  Alida never makes it through a chapter and I doze in and out, enjoying thoroughly whatever parts I get to hear!

Quick update: the dehydrated squash leather is good!  Amazing how much it shrank - I'll spread it even thicker next time and we want to experiment with some spices or toppings like nuts, coconut, cinnamon or cocoa powder.  A great new snack food discovered! Also, Jason got our first round of fermented winter squash going and I was able to stomach some - so definitely not pregnant and am not having lingering aversions (though I will admit I'm still not itching to consume the stuff!  So we continue to enjoy our winter foods, while at the same time starting to get eager for the first spinach salad of spring.  Jason uncovered the parsley/cilantro bed today, took away the leaf mulch from the figs and is working to load leaves on the garden paths.  Spring is a comin'!

In this crazy busy week, I almost missed the first walking iris bloom of the year!