For no reason in particular...

It's been awhile since I've used some of Terah's nap time to write. It just so happens that a major planned computer outage during EMU's fall break means that I can't make the best use of my normal work time today at home so I feel a bit freer to catch up on some personal computer stuff. The biggest success of the day might be finding a website through which we can get our "Nora blog" made into a book (for our own perusing when the last thing we want to do is sit in front of a screen to soak up some memories of her). We'll see what comes of that but it felt like a half hour well spent this morning to at least explore the option. It's hard to believe in about a week's time we'll cross over what would have been her 9th birthday! Recently we talked briefly as a family about a return trip to Cape Charles either around her 10th birthday or the 10 year anniversary of her death. It would feel good to go back to the place that provided some solace and comfort in those early weeks after she died, and to let Alida and Terah experience that place, and for the rest of us to get reacquainted with it. Another thing to stay tuned on, but it's a dream in the making! I'm thinking by next fall we might have the courage to attempt a family trip, but only time will tell!

I found myself feeling a bit scattered today - in a bit of a "wandering mood." It's as I'm sitting here now reflecting on the day and time of year that it strikes me again how it seems that my body often holds memories of this time of year. That time of anxious anticipation - eagerness to meet the little girl who was such a mystery on the inside, and wondering what the future would hold for her and us. The leaves have changed colors dramatically over the last week and with a change to cooler temps in the last day it's once again feel fall like outside. I love this time of year - love the brisk freshness and the reds, oranges and yellows that decorate the outdoor scenes. At the same time it seems it's a time of year that my body will likely always associate with some sadness and uncertainty and a feeling associated with lots of wondering and waiting.

Each year I feel like a slightly different person as I travel through another anniversary - whether it be because there is a new configuration of our family or our farm or just the personal space I find myself in. I've found myself verbalizing a few times recently that this past year feels like the hardest of my life to date. I probably need to ponder that more or at least be clear that that is just how it feels in some moments or on some days. It can probably pretty easily be chalked up to one major factor: a year's worth of sleep deprivation. I remember with Nora thinking that I didn't know how much longer I could keep getting 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. It was hard, really hard! And then it ended and I could sleep as long as I wanted (if I was able) since she was not with us needing our constant care. There was relief and grief all wrapped together (check out our blog dedicated to her for MUCH more on that part of our journey!).

My feelings aren't all sorted out about this year, or this phase of life as I still feel right in the middle of it. A friend asked us today over lunch what kind of rhythms or grooves we feel we are in. Jason and I kind of laughed (or maybe groaned) and then Jason, the king of good analogies, said it's kind of like one of those old trucks (he explained it with great sound effects but basically puttering along, then a back fire, sets off again, another explosion, etc...). We are finding our way, but it feels like it's hardly been smooth sailing. And I'm once again weighed down by many "shoulds" - how do I ever stop letting those dominate my mental and emotional landscape?

I think with Nora we had so, so many people encouraging us to be easy on ourselves, supporting us as we navigated those formerly uncharted waters. We've had our share of cheerleaders this time around too, but it's different with a "normal" baby. It seems by now we should be in some kind of groove, that I should be able to figure out how to get a decent night's sleep, that we should find time for Jason and I to connect and make various short and long term decision together, that I should be making space for one on one time with each of my girls and not have all my energy go to the littlest (often loudest) one, that I should be more available to my neighbors/friends/family going though challenging times. I noted also at lunch that it's tiring to often feel like you aren't doing a very good job in many different aspects on your life. I want to be a better mom, spouse, sister, daughter, friend, colleague, and neighbor. There are things that I think of in each of those areas that I yearn to be able to do (or in some cases be). But somehow my perspective on the world doesn't feel all that expansive right now - I feel very keenly, every day, a shortage of time and energy.

I'm sure there are things I could do to gather up bits of time here and there - we could stop using wipes (which we have to launder) and could up significantly our usage of toilet paper, I could stop chopping veggies several hours a day and we could buy more food, we could nix making butter/cheese/yogurt and either lower or eliminate our dairy consumption, and the list of those kinds of things could no doubt go on and on. But I fear if I/we do a lot of that, a piece of my heart and soul will take a pretty big hit too. It's the way I want to be living and what I want to be doing. It feels so integral to how I want to operate in the world and how I want our girls to grow up experiencing our life - knowing intimately what it takes to meet our daily needs. I just have to figure out if there are things I/we can let go of for a time, to ease the pressure and open up spaces to breath in more fully.= And I need to be willing to be honest and reflect on if the costs are worth it - when relationships are negatively impacted by me pushing to get a certain project or task done. That's hard personal work for me! On a positive/personal growth front it's worth noting that besides the decision to not dive back into piglet raising, I have made decisions on a few occasions recently to nix something from my to do list for that day and that has felt good (mostly) and freeing. So maybe I just need some more practice.

Enough of those musings for now. I struggle right now with how to make this blog reflective of our life, so that it gives our girls a good sense of this time in our family's life together - without necessarily putting it all out there for anyone in the world to happen in on. And I also feel after expressing some of the challenges of this time that I always want to counter it with the pure sweetness that marks each of my days too. I will yearn for these days in a decade or two for now - the kiddo chaos, the cuddles and slobbery kisses, the soccer cleats strewn across the floor, the cheese crackers crushed and spread around the living room, etc... In the meantime, I'm really trying to soak up as much of it as I can contain!

Here are some things from recent days. First a Terah video of something I seldom get to see - how our baby takes a bottle. Enjoy! You might wonder why we don't move exclusively to a cup - we might and we probably could as she takes so little from the bottle as it is. However, one of her favorite cup activities is taking a big swig and then spewing it or dribbling it out of her mouth!



The other day as Terah's nap was soon upon us (so we didn't "help" for long), we joined the older girls and Jason in the garage to start the processing of weighing, sorting and tucking away our now cured sweet potatoes. I already had sweet potato photos, so grabbed one of some of the piles of corn we have drying! We recently ground some of this type of corn and I've made two rounds of corn bread with our home grown and ground wheat and corn. Special stuff that the family has reported delicious (I'm nearing the end of a 3 week cleanse in which nothing in the cornbread is on my ok list of foods so I'll be making it again here before too long!).

 A new excitement around here is bubbles! Terah is so cute finding the bubble bottle now and going and looking for Kali. She knows Kali can blow bubbles so Kali has gotten even a few more brownie points from her little sister - she was already pretty amazing in Terah's book but now this! They have spent a lot of time on the front walk recently.

Cousin time is pretty special! We enjoyed having Ivy (AND her family) over for dinner the other night. Ivy seemed about as chill in our home as she is in her own. We got to see her eyes for a little bit. She's getting chubby cheeks and is only getting cuter! Terah is still waiting for us to let her get her hands on Ivy. She's pretty eager, but we all agree that should wait a good while yet!

Speaking of getting cuter, as tired as this gal makes me she is a load of fun! She is understanding so much more every day. Here she is playing peek-a-boo. She seems to get teasing and does her share of it. She also is very funny whenever she finds paper in the house - she goes with it to the recycling bucket under the sink (whether or not we want it recycled!). You have to watch her or things will disappear and show up later in odd places (that make sense in her little mind of course).

 The other day I was trying to lure her inside as it had started raining again. She does a great "go limp" number on us. She really, really wanted to play with the chalk (rain or shine). So she did!

And I'll end with today! We enjoyed having Jonathan out here working with Jason again and joining us around our lunch table. He provided a much appreciated boost on getting some more cover crops in. They worked in the root field with the sun shining and a cool fall breeze blowing. It looked like pretty ideal working conditions! I wasn't out much other than to take a load of food scraps to the pigs and a little meander around with Terah. I enjoyed seeing the field take shape, but mostly enjoyed watching the chickens running around and some in their favorite spot in the tomato row (with sun for warmth and dust for bathing, not to mention tomato cages to duck in and around should a hawk appear)

Time to wrap this up and encourage the end of the afternoon nap so we can get to bed in a semi-reasonable time! Mom is in their quarters upstairs this weekend while Dad is off birding, so all three girls are invited up for dinner and some time with Grandma this evening. Yes, that means a rare morsel of time for Jason and I to spend together. It's really bad when you start a list of agenda items you need to talk with your spouse about. That could consume a half dozen date evenings I'm afraid. Jason may wish to join the girls upstairs if I pull the schedule book out right away! It will just be nice to have the opportunity to finish our sentences with each other, should we choose (and remember how) to do so!