I asked Kali at dinner tonight if she ever journals. She hasn't for a long time. One of my friends today had asked me if she journals and I said I didn't think so but it made me wonder if I should suggest it again. She said she just isn't sure what she would write. Alida didn't get this. She figured Kali should just say whatever she wants to say. Kali tried again to say she isn't sure what words she would use. Alida, trying to be helpful, noted that she could use whatever words she wanted to. Yes, those two are a tad different in personality.
That intro is to say that I'm not sure that I know what words to use this evening, but I want to say something (need to process and I, unlike Kali, do that best externally). If I feel emotionally spent, Kali must be exhausted, except that she seems to be better at this loss and grief thing than me. What a resilient amazing gal! As I followed her around our property this evening, I thought again of the phrase, "a child will lead them" and it rang so very true to me today.
So those of you that read this blog on a regular basis likely know what is coming. After failing in health for some time now, Buttercup died this morning. She was alive when Jason did chores in the dark before I left for work but had died by the time Kali went out to do chores and found her in her coop. Jason didn't think she had long when he found her as she had been getting weaker and the suspected sight of the cancer on her was now a festering wound. Still, it was not easy for me to stay focused at work in my back to back meeting day after getting Jason's text late morning. My heart ached for Kali and I wanted so much to give her a hug. I caught up on that desire with many long hugs and sharing tears together this evening.
I feel grateful for many things amidst my sadness. I am glad for our recent family meeting where we talked over her care and were able to all express how this process was working (or not) for us. I felt like it cleared the air and helped to relieve any of the tension that had been present around how much time Kali was spending (obsessing) on Buttercup's care and also talking about little else, because she was so preoccupied with wanting to be sure she was doing all that she could to help her. I felt bad for my frustration at times and, as is common for me, the process of talking together about it was really helpful in shifting the dynamic. So I felt like we had some good days where my role was what I want it to be for Kali - namely a shoulder to cry on. She never turned down a hug when offered and usually the tears came easily. We also had many good conversations about Samuel's death and letting our loved ones go when it is time and how very hard that is to do!
I feel grateful that Buttercup didn't linger too long in a suffering state. It was just yesterday that Jason noted that he thought she was experiencing more discomfort - that maybe the small pleasures she was still getting in her days would soon not be enough to out weigh the possible suffering she was experiencing. We had been talking awhile about the fact that a time might come that the most merciful thing for her would be for Jason to put her down. This was not an easy thought for Kali (or Jason for that matter) but they were both ready to make that decision if Kali determined that Buttercup was indeed suffering and no longer enjoying her life. I say that Buttercup was "living on love" for awhile as I kept wondering how she was continuing to go on. But up until yesterday she would peck at the occasional bug when Kali got her out and would peck at watermelon from Kali. As much as a chicken can love, I think she loved Kali. Short of love, there is no doubt she saw Kali as someone she was very safe with and it was really beautiful to see the tenderness Kali had for her.
My tears today were not so much for Buttercup if I'm honest. I am sad she died, but it was Kali that I was mostly crying for. This is only the third time (Nora first and Curious Hiddley second) that I have seen her heart break like this and each time it is excruciating, but there is no where else I would want to be than holding her. This time felt different to me and I think it was that Kali was older and her bond with Buttercup was over a much longer time. I think Buttercup was a bosom friend and probably knew more about Kali than most of us. Who knows how many secrets of Kali's are now buried with her friend.
Our makeshift funeral could have been improved only by us not having an overly tired (no nap day) almost 2 year old tagging along. She did amazingly well considering but was clearly taking in and taking on some of the intense emotions. Kali said she came into the bathroom when we came inside from burying Buttercup and said, "Kaggie (Kali)...sad...Bubbadup (Buttercup)." And she was saying "Bubbadup dead" as she was verbalizing her thoughts, trying to make sense of it all. She wanted to pet her and all the girls got to pick some feathers to save.
It was a drizzly cool evening as we made our pilgrimage down to the compost. The first stop was actually on our front porch because Kali had the desire to see if by chance Buttercup would slide "like a penguin" like Curious Hiddley had at his funeral - not so much. Kali then wanted to take Buttercup to the place she enjoyed dust bathing and then to her coop one last time. At each we stopped, she sobbed and then after a time on we went. The last stop was the compost where Jason prepared a hole and then we waited for Kali to be ready. I'm honestly not sure she ever would have been, had Terah not started losing patience. I think she could have held Buttercup, dripping tears on her as stroked those feathers, long into the night. It was as if her heart was breaking into many pieces as Jason covered Buttercup up for the last time. And I feel mine physically aching now as I write about it.
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| Kali wanted Buttercup to be buried with the last piece of watermelon she had brought for her. |
To see one of my daughters hurt to much is so painful. As I held her and her body was wracked with grief over this loss, I just wondered how my heart would handle all the losses that will surely come her way, and Alida's and Terah's. At the same time, I feel so very grateful that we can be there for her, that she is grieving openly and talking with us. I feel like some could say "it's just a chicken" but even if just a chicken I think she is experiencing a deep loss and getting the opportunity to develop some healthy grieving skills. Those will likely be of great benefit as she continues to grow into her adult years. I hope so!
Last evening I found a few earlier videos of Buttercup that we enjoyed watching together. Those will be treasures. This one of Buttercup's flying lessons I had put on the blog previously and can be seen at: http://myers-benner.blogspot.com/2013/03/kali-and-her-animals.html
I know that some of my feelings of deep sadness extend beyond the walls of our home. I feel so weighed down these days by the many things to grieve (and/or be angry or anxious about). I wonder what good can come out of all of this; how can I make any discernible difference to a world that seems "on fire." Buttercup is now in our compost pile. The heat will over time turn her body back to soil, which will provide nutrients for our gardens, which provide nutrients for us. Buttercup's life meant something to us, meant a whole lot to Kali, and will continue to be a life giving force at Tangly Woods. Thank you Buttercup!p.s. In case anyone thinks it odd, Kali made specific requests for many of the pictures taken. She wanted to have photos to remember things - both when Buttercup was alive and after her death. I have to get over some of my own feelings and again feel like she is my teacher in not being adverse to facing death squarely - allowing the emotions to wash over her, and in so doing help her heal!
p.p.s. This blog post has been made possible by the no nap girl falling asleep by shortly after 8 p.m. and the remainder of the family cleaning up from dinner and finishing the day's tasks while I type next to our sleeping little one!
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