A new (unwelcome) experience at age 40!

It's been a bit of a rough week for the mama in this family! Always prone to anxiety, it's been high and I've struggled to maintain my equilibrium! I'm trying to practice my tools from the STAR training, but the backlog created by that week "off" has been stretching me. That said, the sunshine and warmer temperatures have been so welcome and getting to be outside for a few stints this week was helpful - even if much of the time I was struggling to be fully present to what I was doing, having a hard time not thinking of all the other things that maybe I could or should have been doing. Sometimes I wish I was not so good at thinking of multiple things at once - while I'm doing one thing, my mind is racing about lots of other things and thus robs me of the beauty of those moments. It's something I'll likely be working at for the remainder of my life! The weather has made it feel like spring is in the air and that makes us itch to get seeds/plants in the ground. This week included starting to prep for planting onions and shallots. While out working on that, I noticed that Nora's garden had the first clump of three yellow daffodils in full bloom. I was so in need of that small but poignant reminder of Nora's short life with us, and this particular clump reminds me of my Grandma Myers as they were from her funeral. I need I feel particularly in need of these reminders of life, beauty and resilience. I've tried to be outside as much as possible, even some days taking my laptop out to Nora's garden or to the porch swing to do my office work. Not a bad view, if I remember to take a moment to look up and breath in and out deeply!

The highlight of this week was no doubt my nephew's visit this weekend (along with his girlfriend and two daughters). We had so much fun! Our kids played hard together and got along so well. On Saturday, we spent most of the day outside. It was cool but sunny and so pleasant. We walked around visiting the chickens (AND chicks), ducks and pigs and the moved to a trio of outdoor sports. We started with field hockey, moved to soccer and then basketball. A definite change of pace and muscle groups engaged than most of us were used to. But it was so fun. The fresh air. The happy kiddos. Being with family we don't get to see very often. Laughter, exercise, and quality time together. It felt refreshing and I was even doing a good job "tabling" my massive to do list to be present to their visit. Success all around.

You may be wondering if a "but" is coming. It's not really a "but" but more of an "and." The weekend was wonderful and there was some sadness in all of us when it came to an end. Terah was crying asking when they would come back again. She was getting very comfortable with all of them and having a lot of fun. And for me that the weekend is going to go down in history as a very memorable one due to what transpired towards the end of our basketball game.

As we were playing, there were a few times I came down and slightly twisted my ankle or felt something that made the thought, "you aren't getting any younger" float across my mental landscape. But I kept playing, and was happy to feel good enough to score a few baskets. We were on the last point of the game, when I came down and felt a few sharp pangs in my back. I was done! And managed to hobble around for a bit trying to figure out what position to put myself in that wasn't excruciating, all the while thinking "shoot, that was dumb!" I was sure hoping to "shake it off" but that was clearly not in the cards. I got to the garage where I painstakingly made my way down to the concrete floor where I laid down flat. I stayed there and enjoyed a nice long conversation with Ashley while the rest continued to play bball.

I eventually got back to my feet and felt more like a grandma than an aunt or mother. I never had a good pregnant waddle, so here was my opportunity - but somehow waddling in pregnancy feels much more noble and worth it. I am not a good patient, do not enjoy needing help for simple tasks and am amazed once again at how important our backs are. They are quite essential to our mobility and if they aren't working, you just can't move in the ways you are used to. I was getting a crash course in that and it was rather unpleasant.

Being up and around actually seemed to help a little bit. I was stiff, sore and tired and the feelings went all down my legs, but I was able to keep moving around, just at a slowed pace. With an additional four folks in our home, I was provided with ample distractions and we managed to make and consume most of 5 pizzas and hung out until we were ready to crash. I was so tired and yet had no idea how I was going to get comfortable to sleep. Somehow I managed to fall asleep and slept until about 2 a.m. when I woke and had to pee. I laid there wondering if I could get to the bathroom. It took me a long time and took moving one way, coming to a dead end in my mobility and then moving another way. Little by little and with considerable discomfort, I made my way to the toilet, cringed as I lowered myself and wondered if I was going to get back to bed.

In retrospect, since my ears were closing in on me and the bathroom fan sounded really odd, this would have been the time to holler for Jason. But my ears have done that to me before when I've been having blood drawn or after shots and I've never passed out (or HAD never passed out). So I figured, I'd just try to get back to bed. That's the last I remember until I came to laying flat on my face on the back kitchen floor with Jason over me. I was so disoriented. We have only pieced parts of the story together but Kali was still awake having just stopped reading (yes, at 2 a.m.) and heard me call her name a few times. I remember none of that. Jason was woken by the crash as I took a very large plant down with me, along with a duck egg from the sink. My shirt was all wet from the plant water. And only after a few moments did we realize that I had also not gotten my pants all the way back up from peeing. Yep, this one's for the scrapbook so I'm including the details (that hopefully we can more fully laugh at the image some day but it's still a little fresh). I have been able to chuckle a few times at the scene but as the day wears on and I recount this, I feel my anxiety rising as I think of another night coming. It's not one I wish to repeat. I had such surges of adrenaline that I found myself shaking uncontrollably, but that hurt my back. Our recent trauma training was helpful for me in thinking of shaking as releasing energy and I tried to welcome it but the pain in my back made it hard to welcome the shakes. I have no idea how long I laid there, asking Jason if I was going to be ok, worrying that Kali was upset by the whole thing, wondering how in the world I "had time for this" and pondering just spending the rest of the night on the floor as the thought of rising was more than I could bear. Thanks to my hubby, I managed to get a dry shirt on, back in bed and rehydrated as my mouth was cotton dry! We were both glad that it was him caring for me rather than the other way around. I'm not sure I could have been half as steady if I had woken to him crashing onto the floor. I'm so very grateful for his calming presence.

I got another nap or two till morning came and I was ready to try getting on my feet again. Again, as I moved around it felt a little better. So I fried up another pound of bacon that disappeared before breakfast officially got underway, and we enjoyed eggs, chicken sausage, fruit, cornbread and homemade grits together. We enjoyed the rest of our visit - more good food, fun games, kids hanging out - before saying goodbye this afternoon.

This afternoon, the girls worked on making green pasta for our St. Patrick's Day meal - complete with being decked out in their matching green pickle skirts. Now the younger two are making a marble racer and Kali and Jason have gone downtown to see a musical call Not Made for This, which is based on Jourden H. Banks' narrative. Jourden was born enslaved in Rockingham County. I'm glad they have gone and I'll be very glad to have them return. It didn't feel fun to go over with Alida what to do if something happens to me. Never fun, but felt important to do.

I think it's time for me to think about something else! I think I'll lay prostrate for a bit before seeing if the younger gals are up for helping me get the laundry in and hang the next load. For now, here's our pickle skirt trio!