Thursday, August 11, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Grief; learning from my daughter...again!
When Kali's bunny was declining I not only felt my own feelings of sadness, but I was heartbroken to think of Kali losing another loved one. Despite her mixed feelings at times about "Hiddley chores" she clearly loved her bunny. And I've learned in the past day just how much she loved certain things about having him - the feel of his fur when she petted him and his spots! So yesterday when I carried her to the front room and cuddled her as she woke up and then was given the sad news, I had no idea how the day would unfold. She doesn't often talk about her emotions, and I often struggle to know how to support her and be there for her when she is resistant to talking about things that are sad or emotional.
Sunday morning my Mom (once again) gave me a brilliant idea of writing a letter to Kali about Curious Hiddley since Kali is such a reader and it might be less daunting to read words than have words spoken she has to listen to. So I tried it and it seemed to be one of the things that opened up the ability for us to communicate and journey through this together. I am so grateful for that. Sunday we had two long stints with Hiddley - petting him and taking all sorts of pictures that Kali wanted to have. At the end of the evening we said our tearful goodbyes, as both Jason and I thought it unlikely he would make it through the night (and he didn't).
I feel like the words that kept coming to my mind last evening as we followed Kali through her own rituals of grieving and her last hours with Hiddley's body were, "A child will lead them." I was so glad we left much of the process to her to guide, as it was the most authentically sweet, silly, sad, and special funeral.
Here are a few of my memories:
Kali has none of the inhibitions that many of us adults may feel around death and dead bodies. She was very sad about getting to the moment where she could not be with him anymore. As we broached the subject of burying him last night, she expressed not wanting to bury him. When we talked with her about what would happen to his body over time, she then decided she wanted to retain a piece of his fur so she could always pet it. We processed this for a good long while with her and were willing to consider doing this, even when she explained that she didn't mean pulling out some fur but skin with the fur attached so it could be a part with his spots. In the end other factors and plans for how to proceed took precedence and Jason didn't have to do a minor surgery on Hiddley before burying him.
Kali's intense desire to learn and understand the world around her did not depart from her even at this time. She wanted to understand what was going on. She wanted to hold and "play" with Hiddley. She wanted to look inside his ears, check out his skin color underneath his fur, talk about why he felt heavier than he ever did when she held him before, hold him right side up and upside down and comment on the position his feet were in and why they were stiff but his head was floppy, etc...
Tears came and went freely, as did some smiles and humor. As we were waiting for Jason to bring the shovels from the shed, we were on the porch. Kali put Hiddley up on the slanted concrete slab and of course his body slid down the slope. Well, this turned out to be very entertaining for Kali (as I bit my tongue and watched). All of a sudden she piped up, "he's sort of like a penguin." Then, within minutes, she was carrying him tenderly to the drain field where she wanted one of her final pictures holding him and then asked with tears in her eyes and a tremor in her voice that we harvest orchard grass to line his little box from "the spot where [she] most often got it for him."
W
e made our way to the garden and Kali helped to dig a hole in her old garden bed from which the fingerling potatoes recently were harvested. She took a break to walk around the garden with Hiddley (after getting him out of the corn and squash patch where she had chosen to lay him while digging). She looked at him, then tried to balance him on a garden trellis, then immersed herself in further exploration and questioning about his body.
When it came time to tuck him in the box, Jason found a large plantain leaf to give him and Kali wanted it tucked just so in the box after laying it on his back for another photo. It seemed that by this point most of the tears had come for her and she solemnly placed him in the box and then in the hole and proceeded to put most of the soil back in the hole. When it was done, without a word, she walked towards the gate, turned around and gestured for us to follow her, and then walked slowly back to the house. The ceremony was over and she curled up with a Calvin and Hobbes book.
From all outward appearances she was "over it" but clearly her mind was still processing all that had transpired. When we got into bed and were playing a card game at about 11pm, she piped up that we really won't ever know for sure what day he died as we don't know if he died before midnight or after. So she wanted me to write his death date on my calendar right between the two. I can do that!
It seems so odd to me that in some ways (though I know Kali was a good bit younger than she is now) I felt that I had to guide her through or figure out how to help her grieve when Nora died. In so many ways it seems that she is naturally more comfortable with the idea of death or at least accepting of it than I am, as much as she clearly doesn't like it and clearly will miss her pet bunny. And I was even more in awe of the way she fully engaged the process and was not scared of it.
No doubt this week has brought back many memories. It is as if our bodies house the physical sensations of grief and when we experience those sensations, floods of memories from other times we felt similarly come back.
One of the biggest things I noticed last evening after our little funeral was how I was wandering around the house, not able to focus on much of anything (even though I had plenty on my list to do before bed). I had a hard time concentrating. I wasn't even consumed with thoughts about Hiddley, I just couldn't really think clearly about anything. And with it came a sense of disbelief that he was actually gone, when I did start thinking about him. I have almost expected to see him in his pen when I go outside, or hear the bell jingle as he hops out for whatever treat we are bringing to him. And I have almost stooped to pick plantain on several occasions for him.
Life continues, though, in good and meaningful ways. And Alida helps all of us smile and laugh! She didn't exactly get the "serious and solemn occasion" announcement about the funeral and added some shrieks throughout the process. She is so intent on figuring out her world right now and she is getting more vocal about the process of discovery. Very cute!!! And she has no doubt helped all of through this sad time, without even knowing it.
Sunday morning my Mom (once again) gave me a brilliant idea of writing a letter to Kali about Curious Hiddley since Kali is such a reader and it might be less daunting to read words than have words spoken she has to listen to. So I tried it and it seemed to be one of the things that opened up the ability for us to communicate and journey through this together. I am so grateful for that. Sunday we had two long stints with Hiddley - petting him and taking all sorts of pictures that Kali wanted to have. At the end of the evening we said our tearful goodbyes, as both Jason and I thought it unlikely he would make it through the night (and he didn't).
I feel like the words that kept coming to my mind last evening as we followed Kali through her own rituals of grieving and her last hours with Hiddley's body were, "A child will lead them." I was so glad we left much of the process to her to guide, as it was the most authentically sweet, silly, sad, and special funeral.
Here are a few of my memories:
Kali has none of the inhibitions that many of us adults may feel around death and dead bodies. She was very sad about getting to the moment where she could not be with him anymore. As we broached the subject of burying him last night, she expressed not wanting to bury him. When we talked with her about what would happen to his body over time, she then decided she wanted to retain a piece of his fur so she could always pet it. We processed this for a good long while with her and were willing to consider doing this, even when she explained that she didn't mean pulling out some fur but skin with the fur attached so it could be a part with his spots. In the end other factors and plans for how to proceed took precedence and Jason didn't have to do a minor surgery on Hiddley before burying him.
Kali's intense desire to learn and understand the world around her did not depart from her even at this time. She wanted to understand what was going on. She wanted to hold and "play" with Hiddley. She wanted to look inside his ears, check out his skin color underneath his fur, talk about why he felt heavier than he ever did when she held him before, hold him right side up and upside down and comment on the position his feet were in and why they were stiff but his head was floppy, etc...
Tears came and went freely, as did some smiles and humor. As we were waiting for Jason to bring the shovels from the shed, we were on the porch. Kali put Hiddley up on the slanted concrete slab and of course his body slid down the slope. Well, this turned out to be very entertaining for Kali (as I bit my tongue and watched). All of a sudden she piped up, "he's sort of like a penguin." Then, within minutes, she was carrying him tenderly to the drain field where she wanted one of her final pictures holding him and then asked with tears in her eyes and a tremor in her voice that we harvest orchard grass to line his little box from "the spot where [she] most often got it for him."
W
e made our way to the garden and Kali helped to dig a hole in her old garden bed from which the fingerling potatoes recently were harvested. She took a break to walk around the garden with Hiddley (after getting him out of the corn and squash patch where she had chosen to lay him while digging). She looked at him, then tried to balance him on a garden trellis, then immersed herself in further exploration and questioning about his body.
When it came time to tuck him in the box, Jason found a large plantain leaf to give him and Kali wanted it tucked just so in the box after laying it on his back for another photo. It seemed that by this point most of the tears had come for her and she solemnly placed him in the box and then in the hole and proceeded to put most of the soil back in the hole. When it was done, without a word, she walked towards the gate, turned around and gestured for us to follow her, and then walked slowly back to the house. The ceremony was over and she curled up with a Calvin and Hobbes book.
From all outward appearances she was "over it" but clearly her mind was still processing all that had transpired. When we got into bed and were playing a card game at about 11pm, she piped up that we really won't ever know for sure what day he died as we don't know if he died before midnight or after. So she wanted me to write his death date on my calendar right between the two. I can do that!
It seems so odd to me that in some ways (though I know Kali was a good bit younger than she is now) I felt that I had to guide her through or figure out how to help her grieve when Nora died. In so many ways it seems that she is naturally more comfortable with the idea of death or at least accepting of it than I am, as much as she clearly doesn't like it and clearly will miss her pet bunny. And I was even more in awe of the way she fully engaged the process and was not scared of it.
No doubt this week has brought back many memories. It is as if our bodies house the physical sensations of grief and when we experience those sensations, floods of memories from other times we felt similarly come back.
One of the biggest things I noticed last evening after our little funeral was how I was wandering around the house, not able to focus on much of anything (even though I had plenty on my list to do before bed). I had a hard time concentrating. I wasn't even consumed with thoughts about Hiddley, I just couldn't really think clearly about anything. And with it came a sense of disbelief that he was actually gone, when I did start thinking about him. I have almost expected to see him in his pen when I go outside, or hear the bell jingle as he hops out for whatever treat we are bringing to him. And I have almost stooped to pick plantain on several occasions for him.
Life continues, though, in good and meaningful ways. And Alida helps all of us smile and laugh! She didn't exactly get the "serious and solemn occasion" announcement about the funeral and added some shrieks throughout the process. She is so intent on figuring out her world right now and she is getting more vocal about the process of discovery. Very cute!!! And she has no doubt helped all of through this sad time, without even knowing it.
Goodbye to a special bunny!
This is one of the hardest posts to write. After days of waiting, hoping, crying, and fearing it is over. I find myself once again grateful that suffering has ended, but so so sad that what that means is that Curious Hiddley's time with our family has come to an end and that what we are left with is good memories and many pictures.
It seems that losing this little bunny is triggering all sorts of emotions and stirring up grief that is pretty easily stirred up. Curious Hiddley's entrance into our family was such a wonderful thing and comforting and life giving. It felt at the time that he was at the SPCA at the right time and place, that day we arrived back from UVA without Nora.
The last two days as I've walked what feels like the long distance from house to hutch to check on him, my stomach has churned and I've felt the same physical sensations (just less intensity) that I felt those mornings waking up and making the trek back to UVA to see how Nora's night in the NICU had been. Those feelings of just not knowing what you will find - hopeful news or your worst fears realized.
This won't be an easy morning to leave home, knowing that Jason will need to share this news with Kali alone. I am so grateful that she said goodbye to him last night, that we got to tell him that we were grateful for the time he spent with our family, and that we were sorry he was not feeling well. Kali was glad for us to take a lot of pictures she wanted to have of him, even if he couldn't jump on his feeder or touch her finger without assistance. She is sad that he won't be around for her birthday and was uncertain whether she would be able to enjoy it as much without him. She also was not sure she wants to have another bunny. Me neither. He would be hard to replace!
Ps. Okay, so I couldn't go to work without telling her. I delayed my start time and we woke her to share the news with her. I'm glad I was there. I'm glad tears could flow freely for Kali. I'm glad we could share together our sadness. There will be a little family funeral this evening. But I was happy to see a smile coming through the tears when her little sister came out all bright eyed and ready for her day.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday and Saturday
So my first week of work is behind us (it was definitely a cooperative family effort and all survived!) and below is an account of how I spent my days "off." It feels like the last two days are worth recounting as they were jam-packed with hard work and fun, and I was already having a hard time remembering all that happened yesterday when I sat down to start this post. We knew August would be full, and so far our expectation has not been disappointed.Yesterday started with Alida and me attempting a walk but getting rained back in - thankfully, though, it did the trick of getting her that first, very important short nap of the day. She had a few more naps throughout the day either in the front pack or on our bed, while the action carried on around her. Kali joined in for some of the activity (like helping Jason did potatoes and working on the garden watering with both of us), but was also found with her nose in a book a good part of the day. Here is a list of the major activities I can recall from yesterday:
-Garden watering - a big task these days so we all chipped in yesterday to help Jason be freed to do some other garden tasks (and we ran our cistern dry with this watering so were super grateful for the rain this evening).
-Chopping and more chopping of veggies for pizza sauce - this happened in various times throughout the day but by days end there was a pureed and strained tomato sauce simmering on the stove and smelling mighty tasty!
-Making butter from this week's cream.
-Making a batch of pesto.
-Jason and I had fun working together to make about two batches of salsa from garden veggies.-Cooking down the last beets from our garden (except the precious few being saved to plant for seed).
-Making potatoes to go with lunch that were just dug from the garden; also making a kale saute and yellow squash patties from fresh produce. We are eating so well these days!
-Laundry - broke down and used the drier since there is no good drying day in sight...
-Playing "Go Fish" with Kali
-Picking and cooking lambs quarter for rolls
Interspersed throughout the day was planning out the Saturday schedule and menus for Kali's bday weekend, feeding Alida often and changing diapers or taking her potty, and worrying about Curious Hiddley. It seems that our bunny is having bouts of not feeling good more and more often. We fear that maybe he is getting old in bunny years or for whatever reason not in very good health any more. He hasn't eaten for the past two days and has only gotten a few dropper fulls of juice that Jason has given him with a medicine dropper. He seems very uncomfortable and we hope he will perk up soon. There will be a lot of sadness in this home if the time is near for us to say goodbye to that little fellow!
We got to bed right about in the middle of the night and were up first thing and at it again.Saturday started with another walk and then the food processing and baking began. I was so glad to have Jason around for the day helping or it would have been a very different day. And I'm so glad that food processing together is one of my favorite activities.
Today's projects included: baking green rolls (from yesterday's pureed lambs quarter), buttermilk bran bread (from the buttermilk from making butter), peanut butter cookies (because Kali's birthday chain told us to), red beet chocolate cupcakes for the upcoming birthday party (since everything has to be red, pink or green in the meal for the St. Palentine's Day festivities), canning the tomato juice from draining the salsa tomatoes, canning the pizza sauce that was a labor of love (over 15 quarts of fresh veggies cooked, blended, put through the Victorio strainer and cooked over night down to a delicious sauce amounting only to 9 pints), 
and the major project: APPLESAUCE - we will add 70 quarts to our root cellar (20 of that done a few days ago). Jason and I make a good team!Though right now I'm getting the better end of the deal as I'm sitting here typing and cooling off under the fan while the last load of applesauce is in the canner and Jason is doing dishes. I love the picture below taken when the last of the applesauce was done - it was also after Alida had had a "playing with and pulling Daddy's hair" session.
And of course to end: a few notes on Alida's continued exploration of the world. She is enjoying joining us at the dinner table in a new way of late - trying out the high chair. She got to lick pureed beets off my finger the other day and has enjoyed trying the applesauce. But it seems that banana is probably the current favorite of the few things in her repertoire. She continues to enjoy singing and talking to me when she winds down for the night and I find those times to be some of the sweetest of my day - that and the morning smiles!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
An end...and a beginning
I have just over an hour of maternity leave left. We spent the final week of my leave in wild, wonderful West Virginia. While it was not the best timing for leaving our homestead, it was in many ways the best timing (in that we couldn't see all the things begging for our attention since there were four mountains between us and Fruit Farm Lane). We enjoyed a mix of work and play, and I got a lot of naps throughout the week (if only you could bank them for when most needed). 
Mom and I enjoyed canning 32 quarts of ratatouille one day and freezing two large sacks of sweet corn on another. There were other small food processing adventures squeezed in here or there, and I enjoyed the luxury of canning with a speedy pro (Mom) who did more than her share of the work while I came in and out as Alida's needs allowed. I missed her today after our arrival home, when I attempted and was successful in doing a canner load each of beans and pickles to "get ahead" of things before the week gets underway.
I'm trying not to think (or feel?) too deeply about the dawning of tomorrow. These four months have been a gift, a huge gift. And I know we won't ever have a time quite like this - nor will Alida ever be a newborn again. I sometimes feel a bit panicky when I see how fast she is growing up. She is getting VERY interested in what the big people around her are putting in their mouths - to the point that we gave her tastes of banana and watermelon this week so she didn't feel completely excluded from the feasting. She is also allowing us to wash diapers less frequently - yes, that's right, our little gal enjoys going potty in the sink and big potty. She completely "gets it" and most of the time seems quite impressed and happy with herself.Now to get some rest before tackling the catch up job ahead of me. Here's to hoping that the day will go well on the home front too. A few of my favorite shots of late are included below and show that Alida will clearly be in very good hands while I'm at work!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
West Virginia bound, with a few less diapers...
Doing a blog post is not on the "to do" list of essential items to get done before we leave to spend a week in wild, wonderful, West Virginia with my parents. However, sometimes there are very important things worth noting, and it feels like a week full of those!
As is not surprising for the end of July, we are deep into food processing. The things that have come out of the garden today include tomatoes, cucumbers, yellow squash, beets, carrots, swiss chard, kale, and green beans. One canner load of pickles just finished and there is one more to go in yet today. We are enjoying onions and garlic that are all pulled now and there is basil for a batch of pesto here and there. There are potatoes to dig whenever we need more, and as always lambs quarter and amaranth are there for the getting when we want it, as well as wild blackberries that were the cause of me using up my last jam jars. The watermelon are currently tennis ball size and about the cutest things I've ever seen!!
But that isn't the main reason for this post. It is mostly that we continue to be in awe of our littlest gal. She did just as great on "trial day #2" this week. She took 3 bottles for Jason and was sacked out in his arms (see photo) when I got home. She seems to be growing up way too fast and various "new things" this week have made it seem that she is already becoming a little independent girl. She took her first bath with Kali this week which was a big hit, even if her Mommy was a little nervous as she became a chubby slippery fish in the bathtub.
And, as I mentioned in the previous post, she now goes potty like a big girl (okay, almost - she goes in the sink). However, I'm not sure we were fully prepared for her getting accustomed to this quite so soon. I was doing it "just for fun" as we had decided to not invest fully in the "diaper-free" method from the get go. However, after taking her potty for the last 4 mornings or so, she seems to prefer not going in her diaper when possible. This afternoon she has gone in the sink every single time I have taken her and also went for Jason. She has even starting rooching around in her circle seat or in my arms and when I ask her if she wants to go potty and take her, she gets a huge grin when I take off her diaper and hold her over the sink. Am I really ready for this??
So I better get back to the "to do" list so we are ready to take off in the morning. We will spend my final week of maternity leave in the mountains, hopefully resting up and also doing some fun, good work!
As is not surprising for the end of July, we are deep into food processing. The things that have come out of the garden today include tomatoes, cucumbers, yellow squash, beets, carrots, swiss chard, kale, and green beans. One canner load of pickles just finished and there is one more to go in yet today. We are enjoying onions and garlic that are all pulled now and there is basil for a batch of pesto here and there. There are potatoes to dig whenever we need more, and as always lambs quarter and amaranth are there for the getting when we want it, as well as wild blackberries that were the cause of me using up my last jam jars. The watermelon are currently tennis ball size and about the cutest things I've ever seen!!
But that isn't the main reason for this post. It is mostly that we continue to be in awe of our littlest gal. She did just as great on "trial day #2" this week. She took 3 bottles for Jason and was sacked out in his arms (see photo) when I got home. She seems to be growing up way too fast and various "new things" this week have made it seem that she is already becoming a little independent girl. She took her first bath with Kali this week which was a big hit, even if her Mommy was a little nervous as she became a chubby slippery fish in the bathtub. 
And, as I mentioned in the previous post, she now goes potty like a big girl (okay, almost - she goes in the sink). However, I'm not sure we were fully prepared for her getting accustomed to this quite so soon. I was doing it "just for fun" as we had decided to not invest fully in the "diaper-free" method from the get go. However, after taking her potty for the last 4 mornings or so, she seems to prefer not going in her diaper when possible. This afternoon she has gone in the sink every single time I have taken her and also went for Jason. She has even starting rooching around in her circle seat or in my arms and when I ask her if she wants to go potty and take her, she gets a huge grin when I take off her diaper and hold her over the sink. Am I really ready for this??So I better get back to the "to do" list so we are ready to take off in the morning. We will spend my final week of maternity leave in the mountains, hopefully resting up and also doing some fun, good work!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Emotional exhale...
So for those that don't know me well, the title of this blog post should be a warning to you: it is likely to be long. I don't tend to be all that concise with words anyway, and when I'm feeling emotional I can get very wordy. So to spare Jason, Kali and Alida from my excessive chattiness I'm going to put it out there in cyberspace for whoever wishes to take it in!! But for those that just want a quick Alida and Kali story (both of which have been alluded to on Facebook) here you are:
1. Kali made up a new joke this week: Why was the mommy snowman mad at her baby in Spring? Because he kept having meltdowns!
2. Last night on our way home from town at about 9pm, Alida was restless. I was on entertainment and "calm the baby" duty in the backseat and was trying my finger, her fingers, and the pacifier (what she really wanted was to be swaddled in bed). We had the kids tape on in the car and a little silly song about it not being any trouble just to l-a-u-g-h was on and was not calming her. I told Jason to turn it off and I started to sing the lullaby Jason wrote for her. I promise I had not gotten out the whole first line, "breath deep now my baby girl," before she turned her head into the side of her carseat, stopped rooching and promptly fell asleep. I could hardly keep singing I was so shocked.
We were all similarly shocked with the events of today. Here's a brief synopsis:
After weeks of worry (me more than Jason or Kali, or Alida for that matter), today was "trial #1" for me heading into the office. We gave up trying the bottle consistently a few weeks back as it was mostly stressful to try to time it at a good time for all of our schedules and Alida had been pretty resistant to the attempts we had made. I left Jason with 8 ounces of expressed milk (even though I dreamed last night she took 24 - though I also dreamed that there were two bears in our house) and drove down the driveway in tears. To say I did not want to leave would be a serious understatement.
What made it even more difficult was it seemed that Alida was also on a bit of a "nursing strike." She had started not nursing as well while we were in Maryland but I just thought it was a change of schedule or scenery or that there were just too many exciting things going on. It seems that it is a bit more than that - the most likely culprit is teething. So she really hadn't nursed much all night or in the morning until right before I left, with more coaxing than I would like.
So I was a bit of a "basketcase" at work (as my Dad would likely call me). I had promised not to call and we left it that Jason would call with really good news or if they were in dire need of me heading home but if I didn't hear anything that things were going "ok." I left around 9:30am and got a call a little before 12:30pm - during those 3 hours I was able to get started on "catch up" in the office and felt like I had a big exam the next day (by the constant butterflies in my tummy).
The news: it was going well. Alida had not been fussy at all. She had enjoyed hanging out and even took a really good nap in Jason's arms, transitioning to the front pack. She had not taken anything from the bottle - wasn't interested on his one attempt. He would give it another try before I headed home.
As I was heading home I had to make a few stops and on one of them (likely the groundhog pickup...) he called and left this message: "she took her bottle." He promised the details when I got home. By the time I got home, she had taken a second bottle. So she downed 4 of the 8 ounces that I left for her with hardly a fuss. All were happy when I got home and Alida kind of looked at me like, "back so soon?" I, of course, immediately took her out of her airplane bouncer where she was quite content and smothered her with hugs and kisses, which she accepted nonchalantly.
So then the flood of relief hit, the exhaustion from all the worry, and my new fears - here is the emotional exhale part. Jason got to hear all my mommy insecurities several times - what if she doesn't need me now? what if she is happier when I'm working? what if she doesn't love me? Oh, the difficulty that comes with letting our self esteem rise and fall with the developmental stages and phases of a baby!
We took a little snooze together this afternoon and she has now carted around with me while I picked garden produce and got ready for the evening fun. And that is where we are at. I started this while she was napping but she is now chattering on my lap and I imagine getting hungry, but we'll see if she thinks eating is a good solution to that or not. No time now to expound more, so this won't be quite the epistle it may have been earlier in the afternoon!
If you have made it this far you get to get in on a few more interesting tidbits:
1. Alida has been dry the last two mornings and has gone potty for me both mornings. Big girl!
2. Our supper menu - a fresh roasted chicken with carrots and potatoes, fresh cucumber dill salad, corn on the cob and kale chips. Mouth watering??
3. Evening agenda includes canning dill pickles and possibly dilly beans (Jason will help Kali and I IF he gets done butchering the groundhog in time).
Until next time...
1. Kali made up a new joke this week: Why was the mommy snowman mad at her baby in Spring? Because he kept having meltdowns!
2. Last night on our way home from town at about 9pm, Alida was restless. I was on entertainment and "calm the baby" duty in the backseat and was trying my finger, her fingers, and the pacifier (what she really wanted was to be swaddled in bed). We had the kids tape on in the car and a little silly song about it not being any trouble just to l-a-u-g-h was on and was not calming her. I told Jason to turn it off and I started to sing the lullaby Jason wrote for her. I promise I had not gotten out the whole first line, "breath deep now my baby girl," before she turned her head into the side of her carseat, stopped rooching and promptly fell asleep. I could hardly keep singing I was so shocked.
We were all similarly shocked with the events of today. Here's a brief synopsis:
After weeks of worry (me more than Jason or Kali, or Alida for that matter), today was "trial #1" for me heading into the office. We gave up trying the bottle consistently a few weeks back as it was mostly stressful to try to time it at a good time for all of our schedules and Alida had been pretty resistant to the attempts we had made. I left Jason with 8 ounces of expressed milk (even though I dreamed last night she took 24 - though I also dreamed that there were two bears in our house) and drove down the driveway in tears. To say I did not want to leave would be a serious understatement.
What made it even more difficult was it seemed that Alida was also on a bit of a "nursing strike." She had started not nursing as well while we were in Maryland but I just thought it was a change of schedule or scenery or that there were just too many exciting things going on. It seems that it is a bit more than that - the most likely culprit is teething. So she really hadn't nursed much all night or in the morning until right before I left, with more coaxing than I would like.
So I was a bit of a "basketcase" at work (as my Dad would likely call me). I had promised not to call and we left it that Jason would call with really good news or if they were in dire need of me heading home but if I didn't hear anything that things were going "ok." I left around 9:30am and got a call a little before 12:30pm - during those 3 hours I was able to get started on "catch up" in the office and felt like I had a big exam the next day (by the constant butterflies in my tummy).
The news: it was going well. Alida had not been fussy at all. She had enjoyed hanging out and even took a really good nap in Jason's arms, transitioning to the front pack. She had not taken anything from the bottle - wasn't interested on his one attempt. He would give it another try before I headed home.
As I was heading home I had to make a few stops and on one of them (likely the groundhog pickup...) he called and left this message: "she took her bottle." He promised the details when I got home. By the time I got home, she had taken a second bottle. So she downed 4 of the 8 ounces that I left for her with hardly a fuss. All were happy when I got home and Alida kind of looked at me like, "back so soon?" I, of course, immediately took her out of her airplane bouncer where she was quite content and smothered her with hugs and kisses, which she accepted nonchalantly.
So then the flood of relief hit, the exhaustion from all the worry, and my new fears - here is the emotional exhale part. Jason got to hear all my mommy insecurities several times - what if she doesn't need me now? what if she is happier when I'm working? what if she doesn't love me? Oh, the difficulty that comes with letting our self esteem rise and fall with the developmental stages and phases of a baby!
We took a little snooze together this afternoon and she has now carted around with me while I picked garden produce and got ready for the evening fun. And that is where we are at. I started this while she was napping but she is now chattering on my lap and I imagine getting hungry, but we'll see if she thinks eating is a good solution to that or not. No time now to expound more, so this won't be quite the epistle it may have been earlier in the afternoon!
If you have made it this far you get to get in on a few more interesting tidbits:
1. Alida has been dry the last two mornings and has gone potty for me both mornings. Big girl!
2. Our supper menu - a fresh roasted chicken with carrots and potatoes, fresh cucumber dill salad, corn on the cob and kale chips. Mouth watering??
3. Evening agenda includes canning dill pickles and possibly dilly beans (Jason will help Kali and I IF he gets done butchering the groundhog in time).
Until next time...
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