Words from Sherri Mitchell's Sacred Instructions that a dear friend shared with me recently: "We are collectively being held in a moment of overwhelming pressure and chaotic movement, where everything within us wants to push through the pain and put an end to the ordeal. But in our ear is the voice of the crone, the wise midwife, telling us to slow down and breathe. We are being held in this deeply uncomfortable place so that the divine process can unfold in perfect order, so that we can receive the inner wisdom that allows the final opening to occur. This is the great pause before the push, and we can see the new life crowning, preparing to emerge."
If a "sea change" is "a profound or notable transformation" then the title of this post is both descriptive and aspirational. My departure from CJP is a profound and notable change and I believe that change will be transformative for me and our family, but time will tell where this change takes us and how it changes us. For now what I find myself reflecting on is the deep gratitude I feel for the way this transition has unfolded in ways that offer fertile ground for transformation.
So let me back up a bit and recount a few logistical details of this transition for this scrapbook, and then anyone that has not lost interest by that time is invited to bear witness to some of what is swirling beneath the surface.
I'm so grateful for the foresight we had last fall when talking through things with colleagues to have me continue working for the first 3 weeks of January. December would have felt like a total train wreck with little to no time for a more thoughtful exit from a place that I love so dearly. January truly felt like a gift. It gave me the needed time for MANY final training sessions (Alena and I lived together on Zoom for much of those 3 weeks), getting at least a greater portion of my files moved around and minimally organized, and allowed me to go through the contents of my office and pause to sit with a memory and the associated emotions.
The last weekend before my final day, Alida and Terah went with me to the office for a few hours. I had mostly nixed the idea of them coming in with me when I realized I might be able to get the cleaning out done during my normal office days. But then Terah made it clear that she was wanting one more chance to be at my office before I was done (our whole family has spent a lot of time in the Martin Store building). So while Jason went to get Kali, the three of us hung out at CJP. Alida and Terah did some paper shredding for me and otherwise set up residence in the conference room (a spot of much play over the years). Alida introduced Terah to a game she enjoyed with Kali where they go around the room as fast as they can with one of them putting the chairs up as high as they go and then the other coming on their heels putting them back down. While they played and decorated white boards, I sorted papers and more papers and more papers. By the time we headed out, my shelves were looking quite bare.
Heading into my final week, my office might have been pretty empty but my mind and heart felt so full - with many thoughts, emotions and memories. In some moments it felt like a movie roll was playing as scenes from the last 22 years came to mind. I also kept having the strong impression that I must be forgetting something. Was Alena really getting to the end of our list of questions and topics to cover? We kept marveling for how grateful we were for January, as we added additional zoom sessions in those final weeks. And I realized that I was going to miss those times, as the reality of Friday January 21's approach sank in. My inbox was holding steady in the single digits (as Alena's exploded!). It seemed that students, faculty and staff were making the mental shift from reaching out to me to reaching out to Alena, and while that was good and right it was also a strange feeling.
Early Friday morning, Jason and I shared a few brief moments together in our front room before heading together to town. Jason noted that this day had felt so far out there in the future and now here it was! Due to the snow storm that week, he wasn't working on the job site where he is currently engaged. So he accompanied me to town for the day. It was comforting to have him close by that day, helpful to have him there for logistical support and doing the weekly farm errands, and then being able to be present for the goodbye gathering with my CJP colleagues. Also due to the snow, our car was still not able to get up our driveway, so we were pretty loaded up as we hiked down the driveway. A poignant last trip to the office!
Nothing like waiting until my very last day of employment for us to eat lunch together in my office for the first time. Never too late to make a new memory. It was so fitting for Jason to be part of those final hours, being the person who has offered me such compassionate and consistent support through this whole process.
It also felt fitting to have my last activity of the day be a walk with Alena where she accompanied me on a walk around campus to turn in my laptop and ID card and keys. It felt surreal. And, like most big steps in life, it felt so good to have loving people surrounding me as I faced the reality of this change and the certain uncertainty coming along with it. Back at the office building Jason helped me clean out the final things and I closed my office door for the last time. Closing a chapter...
We headed up to the Discipleship Center for the largest in person indoor event we had attended since Covid. Weather was not going to allow for being outside and in the end this location felt so fitting - a place I'd taken classes in and where we held many CJP graduations and where I'd taken part in meetings and various social gatherings. Here I was attending an event I could not have even envisioned a year prior.
And what a love fest it was. I have such mixed feelings even talking about it, as I know that many people undergo massive life changes all the time without others marking it with them, without adequate support, without a way to celebrate and grieve and process the changes with caring companions (e.g. it's one of the many reasons I'm excited about birth doula work - we all need others to accompany us and bear witness to our life). And those companions for me create a much larger circle than the one you see pictured here. During our time together, many stories and words of gratitude were shared. And then I was gifted The Little BIG Book of Janelle, a large book full of messages from students, faculty, staff and alumni from all over the world and spanning my 22 years connected to CTP/CJP. It is a gift that is going to keep on giving.
As we officially closed our time together, I passed my "CJP Registrar" name plate to Alena (along with a Roy Kent t-shirt I thought she might need in the coming months), along with my deepest respect and blessing to her in this role. It was hard in our times of training to not feel like I was merely passing her an impossible burden, rather than blessing her with a gift. The job is likely to be both burden and blessing, but I've been glad to be more deeply in touch with the gift of my years at CJP as I've reflected and corresponded with so many who were part of the most beautiful parts of the work. As we packed up to head home, the West Virginia mountains were lighting up and gave us quite the sunset to mark the day.
While we traveled just the normal 9 miles home, it felt like a more monumental return home. The girls had done great and seemed to enjoy their first day at home solo just the 3 of them. Jason and I are eager to do that again sometime under less extraordinary circumstances. They did the morning
and evening animals chores AND made dinner AND folded and put laundry away - yes, it was a rather dreamy homecoming. Terah had made a batch of her homemade crackers, Alida had perfected her cinnamon sleeping bag pastries, and Kali had made a vast pot of chicken potato corn soup (a comfort food if there ever was one). And they were ready with hugs and a warm welcome for us. As if that wasn't enough, our orchid from Tala chose that day of all days to display its first bloom (blooming for the first time since she left in August). I am hoping that some of the new things wanting to bloom in my life will find the conditions to do so!
As I unpacked all the things I had brought home, I once again felt blown away by the outpouring of love I was the recipient of. One dear friend had brought me a tea and fruit basket with a sweet card at the start of my last day. Another stopped by at the end of the day with a tea and tincture to nurture me in this time of heightened anxiety and intense change. There was a card and generous gift from my supervisor, including two bags of homemade biscotti that have nearly been devoured by our family in the days since. And there were all the emails that had been trickling in and then THE book!
In the few days since then, I have been through the book two times. The first time I read it out loud to the girls and Jason. This had its challenges. They were mostly two-fold - I needed to stop a lot as tears sprung up often. And I felt a little embarrassed to read the glowing reviews of their mother and spouse. Especially when one described me as "...an oasis of calm and presence." Here I was reading these words in front of the four people who know me better than anyone else in the world - in other words, they have seen me at my worst (and when I'm anything but calm). And, true to the sweetness of my family, they reminded me that they have also seen my best like no one else has. In one of the kind notes, someone said, "You emanate such peace; it is magnetic...regardless of how amazing or incredible you may or may not think you are, please know how amazing and incredible you are to us!" While I don't know that my family could honestly say that I emanate peace, they do assure me of how much they love and appreciate me. And I'm hoping that 2022 will bring out the more peaceful and calm parts of me. And that I will also build back some greater reserves to be able to pour more back into my family.
We now find ourselves unplugging for a few days together in a little house on a lake on the other side of the Blue Ridge just about an hour from home. Oh, and there's a hot tub. :) But more on that in another post. Over the last two days I spent a good chunk of time making my way through the book, alone this time. As I did so, in addition to enjoying having the time to reach out with individuals notes to many, I pulled out some of the nuggets that I know I'm going to carry with me into this next season. I marveled both in the reading of the book and in the email exchanges that once again I was being gifted in such a monumental way by a community of people who I've essentially grown up with and through these past 22 years. The words shared with me provided nuggets of wisdom, comfort, encouragement, inspiration, affirmation, challenge, tears and laughter. I clearly can't share the whole book here, but I pulled out some nuggets to give a sense of the depth of the voices speaking into my life in this season. In moments where I can't feel the relief or excitement or I lose any confidence in my abilities or my courage wanes, I can lean into what others have seen in me or are sensing about this season!
I share these voices with you. Maybe there's something that you also need to hear!
"This may sound strange but I am actually really excited for you, your husband and family. I have a strong feeling in me that this will be a positive and good change for you and your family. I know there is often a lot of uncertainty with a new direction. But it's only because it's not known yet. In some ways being with the unknown is one of the harder things for human beings. In my own life I have been asked several times to surrender and have faith as everything that I have known has suddenly radically changed. Some of the best things and experiences in my life have come from those radical changes...There is a saying that when one door closes another opens....I have found that to be more of a truth for a movie or book where the author or director has to keep the audience engaged. In my own life I would say when one door closes there is often space and a hallway that eventually leads to the next door. I think having the space to heal, process and integrate can then point the way to a new direction or door. I can relate to how hard it is to leave something that has both strong positives and negatives. Most of my big changes have been like that as well."
Here's to entering the hallway!
"It was the right decision and I probably should have done it ten years earlier. I too, got wedged into that situation were the closest thing to a support network was co-located with the source of my nightmares. Not very wise of me, but where was I going to find the energy to forge new relationships when the dial always pointed to empty? It's a dynamic of abuse is what it is, but also an emotional cul de sac (literal translation: bottom of the bag) that Wall Street (and, um, some faith traditions) valorize."
I felt so grateful to those who shared vulnerably from their own journeys. I felt very seen and understood in that process. It seems that most big changes in life are not all bad or all good. And that those changes can be particularly hard when there's a lot of good in what is being left behind so much to grieve, even if it is time and the right thing to do to let go... And that the burn out makes it hard to find the courage and creativity needed to forge a path into the unknown. And yet...
"Living is the endless creation of a string of new beginnings."
"Nature is about to remind us of the beauty that comes from letting go of dead things" with the reminder that "even in the things that are good, there are seasons for holding on and seasons for letting go."
And some of you reminded me that our family has some experience with letting go. That we did that in a way that allowed others into that process; it was so valuable and needed that time around, and I'm leaning into others once again.
"I was honored to be a witness to your journey with Nora. I was deeply touched by the way you and Jason shared that journey and I could feel a part of it even though I was far away and we had not spent much time together. It deepened the relationship for me."
"I have never experienced a more profound and transparent sharing of the process of loss, grief and integration."
Some letting go is thrust upon us and we have to muddle our way through. When we have to actively choose to walk away from something we love but need to leave, it can take awhile to work up the nerve!
"I don't know, but is this what it's like to find the courage and navigate the discomfort of leaving a 20+year situation, to follow your heart?!"
"Thank you for knowing when to leave so you can support the flowering birth of your calling."
As I enter this hallway time of healing and discernment about what it means to follow my heart and calling in this next season, I am grateful to hear the ways that my work and care was received by my colleagues and students over the years. I would blush to share many of the complements here and would also feel inclined to share all sorts of caveats. So I want to share just a few things that highlight ways I want to keep showing up in the world no matter what kinds of activities I'm involved in. And I am deeply touched by the imagery of my work at CJP being a type of doulaing, that I believe has done a stellar job of preparing me for hopefully a lot more doulaing in my future (but this time around, the kind that has a baby at the end of the process!).
"You have been intentional about the ways you have engaged at CJP. I have thought of what you have modeled in balancing the mundane details of the work with the sacredness of the role that you have played with students and with us over the years."
"It seems her main job is to easify uneasy work."
"A normal day on the job for Janelle - turning application logistics correspondence into life-changing conversations." "Sure I learned a lot at the CJP...really!! But if we're talking 'pound-for-pound' impact, I still haven't seen it get much better than my enrollment emails with Janelle!"
"Thank you for your unique way of shaping a generative culture. We need it...I hope that your continued and new explorations, pursuits and ways of being in this world find deep nourishment as you begin this new chapter..."
"Thank you for opening the door over and over again for so many of us, welcoming us home so that we, in turn, can do the same for countless more."
"You chose to build relationships in the midst of your demanding work...Far from cringing when dealing with administration as I find in many institutional settings, with you, I felt drawn to connect."
"You have been a deeply caring doula for CJP over these last 20 years - helping in the birthing process of people's gifts and dealing with their pain with deep compassion."
"I celebrate every mother and child that you will shepherd and support into the fullness of birth and life. And I celebrate all the ways you midwifed peacebuilders into the world."
"This year, as you continue into a chapter where you no longer work for CJP, know that all those relationships you have built are carried with you and you are carried in us. CJP is not just an institution in a building. CJP is all the people in there. And the way you have poured your life in so many of us are bearing fruit in where we are."
I can't say it any better than the words above so I will close with the poem that closed out the book I was given. If there ever was a poem that matched this season of my life, this is the one!
For A New Beginning
John O'Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondering would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plentitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
The little house was a good spot for our family to mark this transition. It was a good amount of quirky and it was small (i.e. cozy), which we like. And the hot tub made it extra special. I'm gonna remember the next time we go away to take a rubber spatula and metal scratchy (why don't all kitchens have those two items?!). And I have no interest in having a google smart speaker in our home or a TV in every room. But I will admit that we did dream a little bit about a wood fired hot tub! As we pulled out on Friday, the snow was just starting to come down. Terah was eager to be home, Kali and Jason didn't say much, Alida and I were probably at least outwardly experiencing the most mixed feelings about our departure. Kali started and ended our trip home and Jason did the highway portion!
