For no reason in particular...

It's been awhile since I've used some of Terah's nap time to write. It just so happens that a major planned computer outage during EMU's fall break means that I can't make the best use of my normal work time today at home so I feel a bit freer to catch up on some personal computer stuff. The biggest success of the day might be finding a website through which we can get our "Nora blog" made into a book (for our own perusing when the last thing we want to do is sit in front of a screen to soak up some memories of her). We'll see what comes of that but it felt like a half hour well spent this morning to at least explore the option. It's hard to believe in about a week's time we'll cross over what would have been her 9th birthday! Recently we talked briefly as a family about a return trip to Cape Charles either around her 10th birthday or the 10 year anniversary of her death. It would feel good to go back to the place that provided some solace and comfort in those early weeks after she died, and to let Alida and Terah experience that place, and for the rest of us to get reacquainted with it. Another thing to stay tuned on, but it's a dream in the making! I'm thinking by next fall we might have the courage to attempt a family trip, but only time will tell!

I found myself feeling a bit scattered today - in a bit of a "wandering mood." It's as I'm sitting here now reflecting on the day and time of year that it strikes me again how it seems that my body often holds memories of this time of year. That time of anxious anticipation - eagerness to meet the little girl who was such a mystery on the inside, and wondering what the future would hold for her and us. The leaves have changed colors dramatically over the last week and with a change to cooler temps in the last day it's once again feel fall like outside. I love this time of year - love the brisk freshness and the reds, oranges and yellows that decorate the outdoor scenes. At the same time it seems it's a time of year that my body will likely always associate with some sadness and uncertainty and a feeling associated with lots of wondering and waiting.

Each year I feel like a slightly different person as I travel through another anniversary - whether it be because there is a new configuration of our family or our farm or just the personal space I find myself in. I've found myself verbalizing a few times recently that this past year feels like the hardest of my life to date. I probably need to ponder that more or at least be clear that that is just how it feels in some moments or on some days. It can probably pretty easily be chalked up to one major factor: a year's worth of sleep deprivation. I remember with Nora thinking that I didn't know how much longer I could keep getting 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. It was hard, really hard! And then it ended and I could sleep as long as I wanted (if I was able) since she was not with us needing our constant care. There was relief and grief all wrapped together (check out our blog dedicated to her for MUCH more on that part of our journey!).

My feelings aren't all sorted out about this year, or this phase of life as I still feel right in the middle of it. A friend asked us today over lunch what kind of rhythms or grooves we feel we are in. Jason and I kind of laughed (or maybe groaned) and then Jason, the king of good analogies, said it's kind of like one of those old trucks (he explained it with great sound effects but basically puttering along, then a back fire, sets off again, another explosion, etc...). We are finding our way, but it feels like it's hardly been smooth sailing. And I'm once again weighed down by many "shoulds" - how do I ever stop letting those dominate my mental and emotional landscape?

I think with Nora we had so, so many people encouraging us to be easy on ourselves, supporting us as we navigated those formerly uncharted waters. We've had our share of cheerleaders this time around too, but it's different with a "normal" baby. It seems by now we should be in some kind of groove, that I should be able to figure out how to get a decent night's sleep, that we should find time for Jason and I to connect and make various short and long term decision together, that I should be making space for one on one time with each of my girls and not have all my energy go to the littlest (often loudest) one, that I should be more available to my neighbors/friends/family going though challenging times. I noted also at lunch that it's tiring to often feel like you aren't doing a very good job in many different aspects on your life. I want to be a better mom, spouse, sister, daughter, friend, colleague, and neighbor. There are things that I think of in each of those areas that I yearn to be able to do (or in some cases be). But somehow my perspective on the world doesn't feel all that expansive right now - I feel very keenly, every day, a shortage of time and energy.

I'm sure there are things I could do to gather up bits of time here and there - we could stop using wipes (which we have to launder) and could up significantly our usage of toilet paper, I could stop chopping veggies several hours a day and we could buy more food, we could nix making butter/cheese/yogurt and either lower or eliminate our dairy consumption, and the list of those kinds of things could no doubt go on and on. But I fear if I/we do a lot of that, a piece of my heart and soul will take a pretty big hit too. It's the way I want to be living and what I want to be doing. It feels so integral to how I want to operate in the world and how I want our girls to grow up experiencing our life - knowing intimately what it takes to meet our daily needs. I just have to figure out if there are things I/we can let go of for a time, to ease the pressure and open up spaces to breath in more fully.= And I need to be willing to be honest and reflect on if the costs are worth it - when relationships are negatively impacted by me pushing to get a certain project or task done. That's hard personal work for me! On a positive/personal growth front it's worth noting that besides the decision to not dive back into piglet raising, I have made decisions on a few occasions recently to nix something from my to do list for that day and that has felt good (mostly) and freeing. So maybe I just need some more practice.

Enough of those musings for now. I struggle right now with how to make this blog reflective of our life, so that it gives our girls a good sense of this time in our family's life together - without necessarily putting it all out there for anyone in the world to happen in on. And I also feel after expressing some of the challenges of this time that I always want to counter it with the pure sweetness that marks each of my days too. I will yearn for these days in a decade or two for now - the kiddo chaos, the cuddles and slobbery kisses, the soccer cleats strewn across the floor, the cheese crackers crushed and spread around the living room, etc... In the meantime, I'm really trying to soak up as much of it as I can contain!

Here are some things from recent days. First a Terah video of something I seldom get to see - how our baby takes a bottle. Enjoy! You might wonder why we don't move exclusively to a cup - we might and we probably could as she takes so little from the bottle as it is. However, one of her favorite cup activities is taking a big swig and then spewing it or dribbling it out of her mouth!



The other day as Terah's nap was soon upon us (so we didn't "help" for long), we joined the older girls and Jason in the garage to start the processing of weighing, sorting and tucking away our now cured sweet potatoes. I already had sweet potato photos, so grabbed one of some of the piles of corn we have drying! We recently ground some of this type of corn and I've made two rounds of corn bread with our home grown and ground wheat and corn. Special stuff that the family has reported delicious (I'm nearing the end of a 3 week cleanse in which nothing in the cornbread is on my ok list of foods so I'll be making it again here before too long!).

 A new excitement around here is bubbles! Terah is so cute finding the bubble bottle now and going and looking for Kali. She knows Kali can blow bubbles so Kali has gotten even a few more brownie points from her little sister - she was already pretty amazing in Terah's book but now this! They have spent a lot of time on the front walk recently.

Cousin time is pretty special! We enjoyed having Ivy (AND her family) over for dinner the other night. Ivy seemed about as chill in our home as she is in her own. We got to see her eyes for a little bit. She's getting chubby cheeks and is only getting cuter! Terah is still waiting for us to let her get her hands on Ivy. She's pretty eager, but we all agree that should wait a good while yet!

Speaking of getting cuter, as tired as this gal makes me she is a load of fun! She is understanding so much more every day. Here she is playing peek-a-boo. She seems to get teasing and does her share of it. She also is very funny whenever she finds paper in the house - she goes with it to the recycling bucket under the sink (whether or not we want it recycled!). You have to watch her or things will disappear and show up later in odd places (that make sense in her little mind of course).

 The other day I was trying to lure her inside as it had started raining again. She does a great "go limp" number on us. She really, really wanted to play with the chalk (rain or shine). So she did!

And I'll end with today! We enjoyed having Jonathan out here working with Jason again and joining us around our lunch table. He provided a much appreciated boost on getting some more cover crops in. They worked in the root field with the sun shining and a cool fall breeze blowing. It looked like pretty ideal working conditions! I wasn't out much other than to take a load of food scraps to the pigs and a little meander around with Terah. I enjoyed seeing the field take shape, but mostly enjoyed watching the chickens running around and some in their favorite spot in the tomato row (with sun for warmth and dust for bathing, not to mention tomato cages to duck in and around should a hawk appear)

Time to wrap this up and encourage the end of the afternoon nap so we can get to bed in a semi-reasonable time! Mom is in their quarters upstairs this weekend while Dad is off birding, so all three girls are invited up for dinner and some time with Grandma this evening. Yes, that means a rare morsel of time for Jason and I to spend together. It's really bad when you start a list of agenda items you need to talk with your spouse about. That could consume a half dozen date evenings I'm afraid. Jason may wish to join the girls upstairs if I pull the schedule book out right away! It will just be nice to have the opportunity to finish our sentences with each other, should we choose (and remember how) to do so!

Catching up on all the other things...

So clearly there has been a lot of focus around here recently on birth and birthdays. But not everything else has been at a standstill. Here's a whole host of things I didn't really touch on much in the recent posts, but are worth noting as they are part of the fall fun and chaos around here.

We have harvested all our winter squash. I had very little to do with it other than photographing the weighing fun. I'll have a lot to do with it in the coming months as we dry it, ferment it, roast it, cook it, add it to soups and casseroles and burritos, etc... I think the total winter squash matter in the root cellar is in the 500 lb range - I lost track of the calculations. While our trombone squash (pictured here) did horribly at the beginning of this year (meaning not many got to full maturity), we had a pretty good PA Dutch squash year. So glad we all like squash so much! Recently, I've been on a kick just cutting it in large chunks and roasting it. It is delicious with just a bit of coconut oil and salt. Sometimes we just eat the insides out, but more recently I've been eating it skins and all. And, the trombone squash have re-surged here at the end of the season and we are enjoying a nice amount of summer squash now that the "stink bug season" has ended.

The sight here is pretty unusual, as our evenings tend to never feel very spacious. But all three of our girls enjoy hair brushing and playing with hair (which is a real benefit to those of us who enjoy having our hair played with - ME!). The relaxation element is diminished somewhat when we don't get started until after 9 p.m. and the littlest is still somewhat interested in the activity but is also entering her "rammy, need my Mommy very close" stage of the day. Here she was nursing and trying to wield a brush at the same time. Jason and I were talking about our evenings on one of our rare morning jogs today. Jason came up with the perfect analogy for what they feel like: playing Blokus. At the beginning there's so much space and it just seems like it will be no problem for all the pieces to fit together. Then as the end of the game nears, the space all of a sudden closes up at a speed you are surprised by every time. That's our evenings for you!

As the weather cools we are definitely enjoying more daytime activities outside all together (for brief stints on the "all together" part). We planted more sweet potatoes than we ever have this year, as we risked some outside the garden fence. Thankfully it was a low-to-no ground hog pressure year and so we got some! The biggest trouble we have when harvesting potatoes (sweet or white or yellow) is negotiating who gets to pull the treasures out of the soil. No one seems to fight Jason for the hard digging job, but the fun of unearthing the potatoes is a much sought after activity. It tires for Jason, but I think it's getting a bit better as girls get older (at least until Terah gets old enough to care).

We had very little bug damage or disease in the sweet potatoes. That tends to be how this crop is for us, which is partly why we love it so much (not to mention that there are hardly any ways that sweet potatoes are prepared - other than loaded up with marshmallows - that we don't like). There were some pretty huge ones this year and a some of those were obviously too tempting for the few voles that have taken up residence in our garden (and survived the lurking black snakes). As Jason pulled one large hill of sweet potatoes up in which one had a huge chunk eaten out, a little vole scurried off with a baby clinging to its backside. We are glad to have the sweet potatoes all in the garage now, in a little tent of blankets with space heaters on to cure them. We'll be enjoying them for months to come!

With shorter days comes longer evenings. Those are welcome, even though right now we are at a pinch point with fall harvests and getting cover crops in before winter (so we appreciate every hour of daylight we have). On one recent evening (going back to birthday celebrations), we had a little joint party for Terah and her Aunt Sue. I won't give anyone's age away, but we discovered they were actually in a fun kind of way the same age this year - we'll let the math wizards among us figure it out (didn't take Kali but a minute). You can see here that the aunt was more enthusiastic about the joint celebration (Terah's keeping a close eye on her). That was, until she got her very own little basketball from her aunts. She's been having fun with that (as has her big sister, Alida!).

And then the next day comes along and back out we go. The next round of harvesting was alluded to in my last post with the video of Terah learning to husk corn. While the first two pictures here are of the girls working on corn, what pulls on my heart strings are the sweet and simple shows of affection for each other - Alida with her hand on Kali's shoulder and Kali rubbing Terah's head. This kind of thing is as common or more so than the daily squabbles that no doubt also dot our days. It's so obvious at the core how very deeply they all care about each other (even when Terah pulls Alida's hair so hard before we can get to her that Alida breaks out in sobs).

Terah loves being outside so I feel hopeful about more family time outdoors in the garden in the future. She was so cute sitting in a pile of corn husks with the breeze blowing her hair. You have to keep an eye on her as often I feel like it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back when she is "helping" me. She is great at reorganizing my organization of husks and cobs (or anything else I'm trying to organize), or unloading whatever container I've just loaded. One of our largest corn patches was right beside where the pigs are currently stationed (their last location I believe before our fall butchering date arrives). They were very pleased to have knobby ears tossed to them and were often heard tussling over the tasty morsels.

We really have enjoyed having pigs. Jason has pretty much done all the work caring for them (with us bringing the occasional treats and my dad helping out with chores some on the weeks they are upstairs) and, while it has added to morning and evening chores, has been overall fun for him also. On one of our late night walks (when Terah was not able to settle nursing) we finally took a step to simplify something about our life (probably a good time to discuss simplification - when I'm so tired from the day that I can't see straight!). We decided that after butchering the two pigs we have later this month, we are not going to dive into raising another pair of piglets. We decided that taking a break for the winter felt like a relief, and seeking relief from the pressure we often feel these days was a good thing. We'll try to keep reminding ourselves of that when tempting opportunities present themselves to us.

One of the fall harvests I didn't take any pictures of was the amaranth. Jason did some of that with the girls when I was at work and has tucked in the rest of the harvesting in other pockets of time here and there. It's in various stages of getting the grain out of the stalks, winnowing and then drying it for storage and use. The black amaranth comes from what we have called the "veggie amaranth" and what we thought was not considered edible as grain. We have discovered otherwise. We soak some of it with rice and make a blend - Jason said the other night when we had it that he thinks we'll likely soon never make just plain rice. It is a pretty combo. It's also sticky. When Kali went to get Terah out of her high chair she chuckled and ran for the camera. Someone didn't quite get all her amaranth in her mouth!

So you might be getting a sense of the flow of our days through this post - harvesting, eating, harvesting, family time indoors and out, food preservation, planting, playing, and round and round again. So once again out we go, this time to get the fall garlic in. This year we are moving the garlic into the root field rotation, taking the place of the onions. It will be 1/2 again as much garlic as we have ever planted and that is a thrilling thought! Jason did a lot of work getting the beds ready so that the rest of us could join in and enjoy the planting. I have been embarrassed to admit that the backs of my legs have been a tad sore the last two days from planting - this shows how little gardening I've gotten in on this year. Points entirely to my need to get out there more next year! The older two girls have joined Jason a lot this year (especially Kali, but also Alida in stints here and there). Here's some proof that we were ALL in the patch:

Ok, I think my time is about up. I've been making mozzarella cheese while I type, and getting frequent visits from a little gal who I think is getting ready for lunch. So better switch gears from writing about our life to living it! I'll end with three photos that I took on Terah's birthday. As we were at the swing-set I looked over at our home and was just struck by the beauty of the perennial sunflowers in Alida's garden and the mountain in the background. The thought "who wouldn't want to live here" crossed my mind. I want to continue to savor and not take for granted the gift of our home.

I'm also enjoying the fun, manageable, small harvests of the end of the season. I made sauteed garlic, squash and tomatoes for breakfast this morning and got another round of paprika peppers dehydrating. We pick up a few chestnuts here and there, munch on persimmons as we make our rounds, and try to enjoy the less than optimal tomatoes that are still ripening but without the mid-summer flavor. I'm nearing being ready for the first fire in the wood stove of the year (I guess last year we had had one by now since we had one the night of Terah's birth - so it's about time!).

 But until frost, I'm trying to soak in the diversity of color that still decorates the beautiful outdoors. When Terah and I were out on her birthday, we were admiring the mums in Kali's garden. It was one of those times that I didn't realize the detailed beauty until I downloaded the picture. The light was just right to capture the droplets of water still on the flower. It's a favorite!

A post-birthday Terah-fix...

For those that were not able to enjoy our 1 year old's antics in person yesterday and are in need of a little dose of Terah-cuteness, here's not one or two but THREE videos:

The other day when we were out harvesting our dried corn, Terah was enjoying the beautiful day with us. She was playing with the husks, moving cobs around and chattering throughout. All of a sudden I heard her little "ah" sound that she makes when she is excited about something. I looked over to see that she had successfully husked a cob all by herself. Perfect birthday-present-opening practice! :) This video seems to get some of what I love about our outdoor times - you can see the older girls in the background at one point and hear the pigs grunting (they were enjoying the reject corn cobs!).

Terah received a new little ball from Alida. It was not until I was watching her play with it that I learned that this kid knows how to dribble. And her foot work is pretty cute! She is definitely taking after Alida in her knack with balls.

And finally, here she is sharing one of her birthday presents. She not only wanted to feed Alida her snacks, but also the wrapping paper and her new ball. It made for a good time!

Our baby is 1!

I'll admit that it feels a bit unreal. Even though Terah has been toddling about for 2 months now, jabbering, developing a clear sense of her likes and dislikes, eating more and nursing less, and in general becoming a real little person, I'm still having a hard time believing that she is now a whole year old. The year felt like an entire (long) year in many ways, and in other ways I wonder where it went. There have been many surprises and the roller coaster ride of life has felt particularly full of highs and lows for me. I definitely would have thought I'd be sleeping a lot more by now, which probably would greatly impact the lowness of the lows I just mentioned. I've noted (maybe even in this space) that I often feel a mix of feeling overjoyed and overwhelmed on any given day.

For now, I'll focus on today, which had a high dose of being overjoyed. Being the fourth daughter in our home, Terah really didn't need any material things for her birthday (as it was, she got a few presents from her sisters which were fun to open and play with or share her new snacks). I decided that my present would be to try to follow her schedule for the day rather than work to have her follow mine. I attempted to be unproductive (which for those of you that know me, you can imagine this was no small thing for me). It helped a lot to have Mom around this week, as our laundry still got done today and dishes from multiple meals got washed before I ever got to them. Oh, and Kali made supper (a delicious meal she thought Terah would love - and she did).

I will admit that I did sneak in a little sweeping, some cooking, a round or two of dish washing and other puttering. But I also had lots of fun Terah times, including meandering around the yard snacking on raspberries, tomatoes and persimmons while we looked at flowers and chickens. Then we played with her big sisters at the swingset for awhile - on what was a gorgeous fall day! In the morning Terah joined all of us in the root field for a bit where we were planting garlic. She "helped" by handing me cloves to plant and then occasionally harvesting them (many months prematurely). I'm so eager for more family gardening times again - it's coming!

Since I have a feeling she will likely soon wish for my attention to be diverted from writing about her birthday, to ending her birthday with her, I'll include a sampling of pictures from her special day for you to enjoy with brief captions. It was a good day, made most special by being at home together and letting her enjoy all the simple pleasures that fill our days. We are so glad she is a part of our family (and even if her addition to our family hadn't made it feel complete - which it has - we'd be out of our minds to think we could handle any more complexity around here)!

...A long break and now Terah is sacked out so I should follow. First a few photos:

Getting ready for her first excursion outside. Hats are so interesting, but not so much for their practical qualities of keeping the sun out of our eyes or heads warm. Mostly for taking on and off!

While Alida has clearly gotten her Grandma Myers' love of puzzles, Terah shares the love of flowers (except I don't often see my Mom rip them apart). 

She was very sweet letting me know when she had more cloves to hand to me to plant. I love how much she loves the outdoors (except when I really need her to be willing to come inside with me). 

A birthday visit from Buttercup and practicing being gentle with Kali's pet hen.

A nap has happened and lunch and now off for the second stint of outdoor adventures. This time ready to fill her basket with some of the mediocre end of season tomatoes.

She doesn't quite yet get that green ones aren't nearly as tasty as red. She might have been catching on towards the end of our picking.

The tomatoes pale in comparison to the few white raspberries that remain. Those she loves!

She was not content to play with the many many little stones around Nora's garden - she wanted the big one covering the hole of course! She really was milking the "birthday card" for all it was worth today - she seemed to know she was going to be able to do things she might not normally get away with. She doesn't miss much!

She went from being very frightened of swinging to really liking it (if we don't go too high). Today she really enjoyed when I would give Alida big pushes.

A very happy part of her birthday was time with Grandma. Maybe the only thing that might have made it better would have been if Grandpa had also been here, but he'll be back tomorrow!

Her birthday meal: roasted butternut, mashed potatoes, a bear pea Indian dish and fresh homemade ricotta. She approved!

And presents for dessert - including her own box of organic o's...

...which she loved but almost loved as much as anything feeding them to others (especially Alida who tried to get her mouth the closest as often as possible).

p.s. An update on our sweet potato and corn harvests, as well as more on the garlic planting will have to wait for another time. And while this blog post focused on celebrations, my heart has been heavy this week with many things close to home and farther away. For those for whom Terah videos provide a bright spot in the day, I'll try to include a cute video or two as well whenever I next carve out time...

Turning 40!

Pennsylvania, 1976.  The end of a gorgeous early fall day, the 28^th of September.  Near a small foundry town in the southeast of the state, on the balcony of a rustic chalet halfway up a hill covered in resurgent young woods stood a small boy, nearly two years old.  He was draping and tugging on a young woman sitting beside him in a chair, while she tried to savor the achingly beautiful moment by playing “Day is Dying in the West” on her violin.

Uncharacteristically she was annoyed and irritable with him.  Also generally uncomfortable all of a sudden.  Despite being nine months pregnant at the time, it took her a while to realize that this was the onset of labor.  It was time.

Early the next morning (I think), I was born.  Mom doesn’t remember my labor at all.  The forgetting hormones did their work so completely she couldn’t even tell my aunt the story a few hours after the fact.  She does, however, remember how she hid me under the blanket so the nurses wouldn’t notice me for a while.  Eventually they did whisk me away to the nursery, and Mom was incensed that one of them picked me up and gave me a smooch, calling me her baby.  She also remembers two nurses coming in later on and asking what she had chosen for a name.  “Jason” she said dreamily.  One nurse turned to the other, “I told you!” she gloated.  Yes, my mother, always on the lookout for the unique but classy name for her kids, had blundered into one of the biggest naming fads of the seventies.  In my fifth grade class there were five of us:  Jason B., Jason T., Jason S., and the two Jason Ms.

A bit of water has passed under the bridge since then.  I was speaking to that same mother this weekend (they breezed down to visit the newly arrived grandchild), and she introduced me to an old saying about the fortieth year of life:  It is said to be “the old age of youth and the youth of old age.”  I guess whether that is encouraging or not depends on whether you are a glass half full or half empty kind of person.

I am the first kind.  I am actually quite satisfied to be at the end of youth.  I feel that for the most part I have spent it well.  I have gotten some pretty good work and play out of my most resilient years and have set the tone for a really very satisfying existence, while at the same time leaving much to accomplish and be eager about as I move into the presumptive second half of my allotment of years.  In love and family and life opportunities I have been fortunate beyond what I can express.

When people have put the question to me, “What does it feel like to be 40?”, I have been answering it with the realization that I am unquestionably, irrevocably, no longer a boy.  I am now a man, like it or not.  And I like it, I have decided, since what it mostly means to me is not that I can’t be silly or full of wonder, but rather that it is time to own up to who I am and realize that who I am now is pretty much who I am going to be.  I also mention that evolutionary biologists tend to point the number 40 as the average age at which nature more or less doesn’t care what happens to you anymore.  You’ve procreated if you’re going to, on average, and probably even have seen your offspring into adulthood (this is in pre-industrial terms).  Sure, you can contribute some wisdom to the group, but you’re also still eating a lot of food without probably producing any more copies of the genome.  So now it’s mostly a wash; nature has no reason to support your health with the amazing resiliency of youth, so nearly every bodily system is beginning its long, slow (we can hope) slide into oblivion.

Again, it helps here to be a glass half full sort.  I take that dynamic to mean that I cannot take my health for granted or neglect it from this point forward.  It is up to me to make the most of what nature leaves to me.  To put it another way, from here on out it’s all gravy!  Being 40 means, I feel, that it is time for me to live in gratitude.

And why not?  Sure there is the pressing threat of climate change, a grossly unfair and ill-founded economy pollutes our society at its core, the presidential election is between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and high-tech warfare and energetics flirt daily with disaster…but as I was driving alone in the car on Thursday with the windows all the way down and cool air buffeting me with pleasure from all sides I also had to admit that there is also this day.  There is this life of mine, which despite all of the problems and looming threats all around must be considered one of the most privileged existences in one of the most privileged times in all of human history.  It is one of my highest aspirations to transform that privilege into justice a little more every day, but I would be a fool of the most ungrateful sort if I didn’t acknowledge and celebrate the good life I am fortunate to live.

Among the many wonderful things about my life is the loving, caring partner I have shared life with for 17 years, and who put a lot of effort into celebrating this milestone with and for me.  She has initiated my taking a trip with my Dad and hers out to Nebraska to see the Sandhill Crane migration (a bucket list item) with some fun adventures along the way.  That will happen in March of 2017.  She also solicited more than 40 people to write her with what they like about me.  She assembled their messages into a very affirming document that I am sure I shall treasure.  This is my opportunity to thank any of you who contributed to that effort, since I will not likely have a chance to thank you each individually:  Thanks, friends and familiars; it meant a lot!

The best birthday present!

As my birthday was drawing near I was trying to do one of two things - either plan a few fun things into the day to help it to stand out and/or try to forget about it. Turning 38 kind of pales in comparison to 40, which Jason was doing the day after my birthday. I mostly was attempting to keep expectations for a "special" day low, though I did plan lunch with a colleague and two walks with friends, so those things were to be sprinkled throughout a normal day at the office.

I checked my phone first thing yesterday morning and saw my sister-in-law Emily's "happy birthday" greeting. It took a moment to register that right above that was another text saying "Water broke at 12:18..." That was the first of several adrenaline rushes! I talked with Emily on the phone soon after that and she noted that I could wait until they got to the hospital and checked in and then they would give me the update. Well, I was really not useful at home - as my mind and heart were already with Emily and Jonas. So I cleared my work and personal schedule for the day, pumped and nursed Terah, packed my things for however long I would need to be gone, had Jason shuttle me over to their home to pick up their extra car so Jason wasn't stranded at home, and soon said my goodbyes and took off for the hospital. Before leaving Jason gave me part two of my birthday present - two books on being a doula/support person. How appropriate, though I was going to have to do some serious cramming (which I did while Emily caught one short snooze spooning with Jonas in early labor)!

It's hard already to remember all the specifics of the day and the times when various things happened. I felt fully present there, and many times during the day choked up as I tried to take it all in. As I have reflected back on the birth, I've been reminded of something Jason wrote in the days after accompanying me through birthing Nora. I couldn't say it any better: "For me, the labor and delivery were an awe-inspiring experience. To be so closely involved in such a monumental process with someone who did it so well was truly beautiful, and a memory I will always cherish, no matter what comes our way. "

The morning was spent walking, walking and walking (after the long process of getting checked in and answering many potentially useful, but most likely not, questions). Emily found her groove and that seemed to be roaming the halls, with Jonas and I on either side of her providing various types of massage and light touch to keep her mind on the pleasant sensations and let her body do the job it was clearly setting out to do!

I was amazed by her presence to the process, her control of her mind in welcoming the contractions and the pressure and her ability to coach me on what was most helpful. My first birthday present was a book of birth stories (yes, I'm a complete "birth junkie") that I've been staying up too late reading, and one of the stories I had read right before was really helpful on reminding me about the importance of just offering my presence. I think I so often want to say or do things that are particularly useful/helpful. At one point early on Emily (in her gracious way) said something about how sometimes silence is better than saying the right words. That not only shifted my tactic (from talking to welcoming silence and allowing Emily to guide the verbal messages - which she did beautifully) but was a really helpful reminder of mostly holding space and being present. I do think she appreciated what I was doing, however! It was a "pamper fest" day for Emily, who appreciates touch like no one else I know. She had 9 hours or so of that from two people that love her and that she loves! I was so very grateful to be one of them!!

Around noon the midwife checked Emily for the first time. At that point it was quite clear that Emily could stop trying to strategize about what was the best approach for her to take. Clearly she should just keep on the path she was on - 7cm dilated and 100% effaced. She was doing so amazing!

More walking filled our afternoon! Contractions were coming closer together so I was having to remind myself to grab a drink every now and then or stuff a morsel of something in my mouth. I'll admit that I didn't want to miss any of it. I did have to sneak to the corner twice in the day to pump (and used that time to absorb all the facebook "happy birthday" messages - chuckling at some of my birthday greetings like "hope you get to do something fun and relaxing today.").

The next check showed that she was 9 cm and by that time our walking the halls had come to an end. Emily had relaxed in the tub for awhile and now was trying various positions as the intensity, frequency and duration of contractions increased. My favorite, though, was our little train! I was a slow dancer/bouncer in labor. Emily wanted to walk. And so walk with did - all the while making sure we were massaging, stroking, or touching her. It seemed that what worked the best for awhile was Jonas walking in front with Emily draping on him and me bringing up the rear doing a hard low back massage. I found myself wanting to emit a little "choo choo" every now and then as we went round and round the room in circles. Our little train of three was getting somewhere and the engine and the caboose were not doing the bulk of the work!

Emily tried the birthing ball, hands and knees on the bed and ended up in the side lying position for the actual birth. Watching a new little person emerge is like no other experience - it kind of defies words for me. Soon after Ivy Ann was born, I asked the midwife if she ever tires of this. She affirmed that she does not, but her body sometimes does. I can imagine, as this birth was smooth, beautiful and within the daylight hours of the day. Not all are!

In the hour or so after the birth I stepped out to talk with a group of nursing students about the birth, my support role, things Emily and we did to help her meet her goal of an unmedicated birth, and answer any questions they had. The one student said, "I could likely keep you here all night with question," to which I replied, "and I could talk about birth all night!" 

I agree very much with the "Joyful Birth" book that I'm reading that a joyful birth is not defined by being a hospital birth or a home birth, by being medicated or not, by being a vaginal delivery or cesarean. It's so much more about the attitudes of all involved in the experience and in being present to that and open to it as it unfolds. It's about creating a space in which a woman feels safe and comfortable to birth in. I feel very much that Ivy's birth was a joyful birth, and that she was welcomed into arms of two people that are going to be amazing parents. I am so glad that in this instance the journey is just beginning and, while I won't likely do a full day of massage for Emily very often, I sure hope to be a supportive and loving presence in their lives (and can't wait to get to know Ivy!).

ps. It is worth noting that this is only the second birth I've ever attended, other than the births of our four daughters, and the other birth was 6 years ago (also on my birthday)! I should add that that is NOT a criteria for me to assist in a birth - just in case anyone is wondering! I really hope that once my own babies are a tad older some more official doula training is in my future!