How does one put words to this week?

A new day is dawning! Cool air is streaming in our bedroom window (won't be cool for long) and the chickens are making it clear that the sun is up and it's time to get the day going. The rest of the family is still in bed, getting a few more winks before we kick off Kali's planned "family retreat day." I'll have to report on that later on, but I'm hoping that she (in consultation with me) has planned a day that is actually not overly full with activities such that we end it feeling not a bit "retreated" and like we didn't get to half of what we wanted to do. We'll see! I feel hopeful, anyway, and am looking forward to it! But when I woke an hour before I needed to, I realized that I'd likely be able to more fully immerse myself in this day if I got to process (for me writing helps with that) some of the previous ones a bit first!

It's been a week that is hard to sum up in a few tidy paragraphs with pictures scattered throughout. That's obviously what I'll do here, but I will say up front that it won't do justice to the complexity of the week and that, while I want to share some here as our "family scrapbook" would be incomplete without it, I would write differently in a private journal.

I wrote in my recent "Children" post about a family close to us who were experiencing the nightmare of their little boy going from being perfectly healthy to on a ventilator in the PICU within hours. While visiting them there, we got a chuckle out of figuring out my relation to them. I'm the little boy's father's wife's brother's wife's brother's wife. Yes, it's a mouthful, but in short the connections feel close and those that love him dearly are people we love dearly. He died on Friday, and I can hardly type the words because it has yet to feel real. That may be in part to the distance I have (we didn't see him more often than once every few weeks and so my daily life is not changed so dramatically by this loss) or the fact that it just feels impossible, scary, unfair and in so many ways unimaginable (yet in other ways very close to home).

In some ways the week felt like many others - caring for children (but treasuring those moments a bit more than I often do), harvesting food (often with his family in mind and when picking things, like berries, for them it was my best way of praying), and gathering with friends on various occasions. It felt so appropriate to gather on Independence Day with friends who journeyed so very close to us during our time with Nora. We enjoyed a walk to the blueberry patch and gathered the blue component of our red, white and blue dessert.

The week's bright spot, brought on by tragedy sadly, was getting a few hours with Ivy in our home. The girls were thrilled to have their first playdate with her (minus either of her parents so it felt different to them I think!). I really was hardly needed (other than to supervise that Terah's enthusiasm didn't go overboard). They were all eager to bring her various forms of entertainment or to walk her around the house or to feed her a sweet potato snack. Somehow it felt so very good to have her there, made me feel closer to what was happening in a good, connected, and sad kind of way.

The following day we made the trek to UVA as a family, it being the first time Jason and I were in the PICU since we were there by Nora's side (and with Kali being several feet taller and two additional girls in the back seat). Even so, some memories did come back - of the drive to the hospital, the parking garage, the feeling of looking around at all the people and wondering what was happening in their lives to bring them there, the beeping machines, the loved ones waiting and hoping and fearing and grieving. And then there were so many things that felt so different. By the time Nora was in the PICU, we had had nearly 9 or so months of grieving and of letting go of expectations and dreams. Her decline at the end was fast and yet we also had in some ways prepared for the unexpected more than one can when the unexpected comes so fast and furious. I feel like we experienced grief but not trauma or shock in her death. That feels like a really big difference.

Whether it was wise or not I decided to proceed with debuting my little 2 hour dairy products workshop on Saturday that I had (quickly and without much thought to its marketing potential) titled "How to make yogurt, butter, ricotta and cottage cheese with a baby on your hip." It was just going to be for a few work colleagues and some neighbor friends, all women who I felt would be the right people to be with at a time like this. They were, and it was such a fun time. We'll see if and when I do it again, but for a first go at it and on a week where my mind and heart were elsewhere much of the time, I think it went well and that maybe I inspired some new yogurt, butter and cheese-makers!

It wasn't long after we concluded the workshop (which ended with some pretty delicious taste testing of various combinations of our freshly made products with fruits, bread, crackers, maple syrup, pesto, chocolate, AND apple butter on cottage cheese) that Terah sacked out for a nap. It was a big morning being the baby on the hip (she was actually more under foot than on my hip but had the same impact!).

When she woke, we headed to the tree planting for B. As we arrived at Emily and Jonas' there were people streaming up the hill. We knew maybe 20% of the crowd gathered - many had never met Blake but loved someone that loved him. We carried the little red maple Jason had dug from the edge of our woods up the hill and before long it was tucked into the earth by his parents, watered by his grandparents, and a little truck placed at its base as a reminder of one of his many loves. Stories, memories and grief were shared in the circle, hugs were given out in abundance, and it was acknowledged that while no one wanted to be gathered together for this reason it was good to be together, trying as best we could to at least share the load in some small but hopefully significant way. Still so very hard to believe. One of my hopes is that in the coming weeks and months and years, we can continue to be a supportive presence as this is just the beginning of the journey. I also hope that beauty and joy will return in abundance and in a deeper fully way for all those that loved him...in time anyway!

Time to wake the family and head to the blueberry patch. I'll just end with two pictures that didn't fit anywhere else but wanted to be included. We'll trial our first batch of fermented dill pickles today and the plants are flowering like crazy, so hoping to be canning pickles within the week. For the first year ever we have grown enough dill on time to be using our own dill seed heads. Yay!

And finally, Terah and Alida are just too cute together these days!

A beautiful wedding that we got to enjoy this time around!

In spring of 2014, a former CJP student asked if she and her fiance could hold a small outdoor wedding at our home. We agreed, with the understanding that we could let them take over the whole place for the weekend while we vacated, so we didn't miss our planned and eagerly anticipated 15th wedding anniversary getaway weekend (those time with kids cared for elsewhere are few and far between and we relaxed while the hustle and bustle and celebration happened in our absence). We saw pictures. It was lovely!

A few months back, a similar request came our way. A CJP graduate and his fiance had enjoyed being at our place for various events and were looking for a small outdoor venue for their wedding. This time around we decided to stay put and lend our hands, as well as then getting to enjoy seeing how such an event unfolds at Tangly Woods. And we are so glad we did!

From the time we said yes to the wedding day, the event did grow from what we had initially envisioned. Not in a bad way, at all, but in a way that had me checking the weather every other hour for a week leading up to the wedding - and had me trying to think about how 150 people could comfortably enjoy a wedding and reception at our home! Anyone reading this that would like to remind me of the futility of checking the weather 10 days out is welcome to do so, but I assure you I will do the same thing next time. It's a completely ridiculous practice!! It went from various percentages of scattered storms, to 80% chance of thunderstorms to mostly sunny, back to various percentages of afternoon or all day storms. It was a bit of a roller coaster ride for those doing the frequent checks (I wasn't the only one!).

As the day neared, the predictions moved more in our favor and by set up day we were at a 40% chance of afternoon scattered storms. Not great, but not horrible. The set up day was warm but gorgeous! Friday afternoon folks begin arriving to set up tents and prepare for the rehearsal. Jason and I turned into gophers at that point - which we both have an affinity for so it worked just fine, and was more or less what we expected. When we weren't needed, we kept going with our normal activities (ok, so kind of normal - I don't normally make 3 huge batches of ricotta for a wedding and Jason doesn't normally pull a bushel plus of poison ivy with his bare hands, feeding it to the pigs who relish it, to prevent guests from coming into contact with it). I will also admit that it was kind of hard to not keep staring out the window as things unfolded - especially during the wedding rehearsal. I've never enjoyed missing things and when someone's special day is happening right outside my house it was hard to not take pretty frequent peeks - the girls were no less curious than me!

The wedding day dawned sunny and hot and it wasn't long until the place was a buzz with folks setting up tables and chairs, flowers arrangers milling around the place cutting greens and flowers for bouquets, signs going up, lights being strung, decorations going all over the place, plates being washed for the reception, tables being set for the meal, an arbor going up, and then the mad rush of people getting showers and getting fancy! Fun times!! Jason and I continued the task of being present as needed to fetch various things and got a kick out of a few of the requests. We fully expected providing things like extension cords, a hammer, highchairs for kids at the reception, an extra table cloth, tables for various things, etc... I was a little more surprised when someone poked their head in to ask if we by chance had a violin (we were able to offer a mandolin which played a few notes for the wedding!) and then again when the groomsmen were getting ready and requested two belts. My dad has yet to know that I scrounged around the in-law quarters until I found what I think is the only one he has up there. And then the only other belt I knew of on the premises was the one on Jason, who was at the end of the lane parking cars. A text back and forth and the girls were headed up the lane with his belt to save the day!  It was fun to see various things from our home take their places as part of the celebration - including the two "fancy" chairs used for the bride and groom at the reception that Jason's parents rescued from the side of the road, set out for trash pick up.

I didn't hear a single rumble of thunder all day and as the shade made its way over the wedding spot the area cooled off considerably (and I was so grateful the gnats decided not to attend the wedding in droves!). I had made herbal bug spray and some clearly used it, but either they preferred the scent of the other guests and left me alone or they were not bad at all! People streamed in steadily starting shortly after 4 right up to the start shortly at 5 p.m. And then we got to sit back and take it all in from the swing set. It was kind of relaxing (other than trying to keep Terah quiet on the swing set - a place she doesn't associate with quietness) until right towards the end of the ceremony when we heard our neighbor's four wheeler start. Jason and I looked at each other in horror, realizing that we both had completely forgotten to tell them we were hosting a wedding. I grabbed my phone and texted the mom, while Jason tore up through the woods to ruin their son's fun! The noise stopped before they were pronounced husband and wife and our neighbors were very understanding, though we were still chagrined that we didn't communicate with them ahead of time (to also warn them of the noise that would no doubt be headed their direction all evening).

Wedding over in less than an hour and on to the party! The caterers worked SO hard - it was a hike from our kitchen to the buffet line, through a sea of happy people (but not people that were all that attentive to people there trying to work hard to get food ready for 150+!). There were only two of them and I can only assume they each made that trip 50 or so times over those few hours! We learn something new every time we host an event and we'd definitely want to think through through the "food flow" and help needed for such an event in the future. I was so glad that the day was cooling off beautifully as evening came.

From there on out there were outdoor games to enjoy, delicious food, good dancing, people enjoying each other and the music, some toasts for the new married couple, strolling through the gardens, enjoying the animals, more food, bubbles to blow, an outdoor fire, and sparklers for a send off. Jason was on for the outdoor fire and it added a nice touch (for some of the kids anyway!), but most people hung out by the tents and in the side yard. Jason ended up being on fire duty during a good part of the reception time as the kids were mainly the ones interested in the fire, and were displaying various levels of understanding about responsible behavior around fires. Ok, so our first inclination that maybe some monitoring was in order was when we learned that some boys were lighting the paper fans on the tiki torches and trying to walk the lit fans through our yard to the fire ring to light it (without adult assistance). We curbed that activity so the evening did not end up having more excitement in it than we had hoped for!

The animals were kind of skirting around the edges of what was happening. I didn't see the free range ducklings out and about (until we saw one boy carting one of them around!) but a few little chickens were at the edge of the reception tent during the wedding. Jason and I kept a close eye on them, begging them to show a reasonable amount of caution around the new things and not enough curiosity to jump up on the tables. They stayed on the ground! At one point in the evening, Kali exclaimed, "the ducks are out." I guess someone saw that some chickens and ducks were ranging and had sympathy on the pen of closed in ducks and let them out. They happen to be the ducks that are only out under close supervision, because Kali is rather attached to Duckie and it will be a sad sad day when his life comes to an end! She handled it great, went and herded them back in, came up to the house and made a sign to put on the door asking that no one let them out. No other drama on that front for the remainder of the festivities! The most exciting moment for our pigs came when I took down a watermelon fruit bowl for them to enjoy, with an audience of 15 or so people. They devoured that thing in less than a minute!

..and then the bride and groom were gone! Weddings always shock me - the weeks and weeks of preparation, the days of intense set up and final details, and the it goes by in a flash. Before I knew it, folks were folding up chairs and breaking down tables and grabbing the little party favor flashlights to make their way back to their cars. Many hands certainly make light (or lighter) work and so a good number of folks lingered later into the evening to help with the first flush of cleanup and then others returned yesterday for more tear down, haul away and clean up.

As of right now the last loads of laundry are waiting to be taken off the line and beds made, and the last towers of cups have been washed (I just can't bear to recycle/throw out cups that have only been used once). The bride's parents took off this morning and I got the in-law quarters back in order and for my parents to come later this week, without hopefully being able to tell that well over 100 people had made their way in and through their space (thanks again, Mom and Dad, for sharing your lovely space!)

Our yard looks strangely open and empty again, and what remains is lots of fun memories of good times and a bit of a sleep deficit that we are working on! Jason and I slipped out for a morning jog together today for the first time in months and it was fun to debrief the weekend. We both really enjoy hosting events. We love having folks get to enjoy our place, and savor the view that is by no means ours to own or keep to ourselves! We wouldn't want to do it every week or even every month, but from time to time it's a great fit for us (I think all of us! The girls were so excited about picking out their wedding clothes and our littlest was even making friends by the end). So we'll see who comes our way next!

Other than the fact that I felt like I was about to fall over yesterday afternoon, the timing was perfect to go on an outing (a mommy's version of a "playdate") with my three women friends that gather together quarterly to mark each of our birthdays. This one was for a fortieth and we strayed from our normal breakfast date and went with the birthday girl's wishes for a hike to a view! It was not hard to oblige and I'm already looking forward to taking our family to High Knob sometime on our way to/fro West Virginia. Though it won't likely be nearly as relaxing as it was to do it with three reasonable adults - I soaked in that time. I like big events (when I have a clearly defined role, like hosting), but for true self-care and staying healthy it's the small intimate times with those in my inner circle that really sustain me! 

Pittsburgh trip and Benner family times!

Let's see if I can crank out another short blog post before heading out to enjoy an afternoon hike with some close friends, in honor of one of them being on the cusp of 40! It will be another way and time to mark transition and life changes as well as celebrating friendships that have been nurturing and sustaining for me for a few decades now!

But let me go back a ways to our recent family road trip to Pittsburgh. Since many of us wanted to visit Jason's sister and husband in Pittsburgh (I believe this trip will have made a few New Year's Predictions come true), we decided to all convene there for our summer all-family-gathering! Grateful that my parents were available to look after Tangly Woods, we decided to head up a day early to get some time with just them before "the masses" descended, giving our kids time to warm up to a new place and also to make the packing and the road trip feel more "worth it."

Each time we prep for a trip I think that likely we'll have arrived a new phase for Terah and traveling will be easier (quieter, perhaps?). I tried to be very proactive, wrapping up a bunch of toys and snacks to pass the time. It worked, some. But we are packed in pretty tight when going away for a few days and it feels like the "mommy, mommy, mommy" I often hear at home was extra loud bouncing off the walls of the car. A few hours into our trip, we gave up on a nap happening unassisted and I did what many other mothers have confessed to having done - I got in the back seat with her and nursed her to sleep while we sped down the highway (me unbuckled). She is easier to entertain and distract, but when it's naptime she is not yet to Alida's phase which is that she sacks out quite easily in the car!

There was a lot of fun to be had upon our arrival - from the first ride on their porch swing, to the last trip down the blue slide. Most of us had not seen their relatively newly purchased home and it was so lovely to see them make the house and yard into a home that they tend and clearly cherish - Terah was happy to find some fennel growing in the yard to munch on and make her feel right at home! A definite highlight for me was a lovely walk to a park for a picnic soon after we arrived. It's a fun city with interesting architecture so the walk was entertaining by itself, and then there was the excellent company to top it off!

It was bustling with action once all of us were there and I felt like it was good to all be in the same space, but I always feel a bit disappointed when we leave a large family time and I feel like I haven't connected deeply with everyone. I still wish there was some way to ensure that each time we are all together I get to hear from everyone at least one thing that has been significant in their life since we were last together - and more than just the sound bites I might glean from Facebook if I happen to hop on at the right time. But I know there is also great value in just showing up in each other's lives and I also know that for many of us this stage of life is not exactly conducive to long uninterrupted sharing times, so we soaked up the snippets here and there.

There is no doubt that the two highlights for our whole family were walks to and fun at the Blue Slide Park (I think we made it there three times!) and the splash park. And those happen to be the only two locations that I got pictures from so here's a few to enjoy (which do not in any way capture all the people or action of the time together, unfortunately - I was too immersed in what was happening and didn't keep up with my role as family photographer)! If there is any doubt as to what Terah's highlight was, I think this short video will confirm it!
 

Children

It's Sunday afternoon: Terah is napping, the girls are playing monopoly and sweeping floors for me (yay), Jason is pruning and other people are milling around cleaning up from the wedding here yesterday. Yes, that post is forthcoming, but it feels like there are many things to reflect on these days and I wanted to first put up a short post with a few of my musings that have been the under current of all the activity around here. I'm thinking a lot about children, ours and the dearly loved little people in other families! The plants get a lot of attention on this blog at times, and I will be the first to admit that we got pretty excited to crunch into the first cucumbers this morning and my mouth is watering for summer gravy this week with our first romanesco zucchini. But even when I'm harvesting or chopping or cooking veggies these days, my thoughts are often occupied with thinking about life and its fragility, and our love and care for our children, which sometimes even when we do our very best the outcomes are not what we would wish for.

The other day Jason noted the words of a song by our friend, Trent Wagler, was running through his mind, particularly the line that notes that there is nothing that we have that we can't lose. In reading a bit about what inspired that song, while this is a very hard thing for us humans to accept, it was an attempt to encourage us to focus on the present moment.

I've had pieces of a Kahlil Gibran poem running through my head here and there and have included an excerpt of that below. It was first shared with me, I believe, when Kali was born and I've referred back to it often since.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

We are journeying (tangentially and at a distance) alongside friends (family of family) who are spending their days in the PICU next to their little boy, who is a vibrant little guy just a few months younger than Terah. A virus gone awry, leaving him with a yet unclear, but currently rather grim, prognosis for a full recovery (the road will be long in even the best set of circumstances). It's heartbreaking and a journey I don't wish for any parent or child. I wish, just as I did when times were tough in my home as a child, that I could "fix it" and make it all better, and that he could be back toddling around (attempting to befriend Terah, who has always seemed almost the most nervous around children about her same size). 

The other night we had our dinner in Nora's garden. I have found myself thinking a lot about her, about our days in the PICU, about the wondering and waiting and agonizing times of coming to peace with life taking turns that we didn't really want to go along with. I thought of Jason's poem Reiterations that he wrote while working at establishing her garden and as I sat on the rocks and looked out at the gardens and mountain, this stanza was most on my mind:

And so we put together what we can: we scrape the weeds aside and mark a place where, when it needs to huddle with the memories, a heart may hide. We’ve caught a hold on changes in the calendar and seasons, have made spaces full of time: ad hoc creations. We’ve established these reiterations.

This time is hard, hard, hard for them! And none of us can really walk the road for them. But I hope so much they feel loved and surrounded with support (both tangible and intangible) and that the burden is easier to bear because of that. And that this excruciating part of their journey will not always be that - they will, I believe, be resilient and life will hold beauty and wonder in it again. That is my hope anyway!

As we near Nora's 10th birthday, I look back at this past decade and it's hard to even wrap my head and heart around all the ways that life has brought forth for us newness and life abundant, hope springing forth from ashes!

I see that in our land and gardens but most in our children. Alida's chopping things with a big knife and is developing a real knack for flower arrangements. Terah's clomping around in my shoes and eating with utensils and drinking out of a big cup. Kali's loving on her little sisters and nurturing them in sweet and compassionate ways. I feel full and overflowing when I see the three of them together, brightening up (most of the time) the spaces they inhabit. They are blooming and I want to cherish being a part of their lives and getting to have a front row seat for watching who they are each becoming, while also wanting to continually be sensitive to when I need to move aside and let them find their way, holding loosely to my own hopes and dreams for their lives but being present to who they are now and allowing them to change. 

Father's day fun and more

So a few days back we hit somewhat of a collective crisis point and I a personal one, of which I will spare you the details! But it felt like a mini-turning point of sorts on both fronts and we have actually officially let go of something. AND it hurt! I felt like crying when we made the decision but also know that if it is easy to let go of things then it must mean we are doing a bunch of things that don't matter to us. We will be allowing the four rotations of our dryland garden to revert back to pasture/grass once we harvest out what is sown in there currently and will do minimal care of what is sown there, taking what we get! It will be there waiting for us when life provides space to expand once again. But for now this feels right! And since making that decision, while there are still heart pangs when I think about it, it seems that we have felt maybe just a tad lighter as we go about our days!

There have been some really fun times in the last few days! Terah and I enjoyed a walk with Emily and Ivy the other day, along with blueberry picking and visiting back at our place for a bit. Our girls are smitten! Terah graciously let Alida have a turn holding Ivy, which I will admit surprised me (that there is laughter in this picture and not any screams of "me...me"). I love that when Terah talks about "happy" she is normally either talking about "I I" or she has now added to that sentiment talking about her arm and noting that "Ben" fixed it. 

Friday evening was slated to make pizza pockets over the fire with friends. It POURED for a long time Friday afternoon and was still drizzling when they arrived. So we broiled open faced pizzas in the oven and enjoyed the thought of gardens getting a good drink. But after dinner it wasn't raining and there were s'more fixings waiting to be used so I suggested we do a fire anyway. Very little fire risk since the whole fire ring was full of a few inches of water! We'd never made a fire before while splashing in water around our feet. It was FUN! And really beautiful too as the sun set and the fire was reflected in the water. And an additional source of entertainment was the ducklings enjoying a swim. Here they are:

Then Saturday we had supper club, expanded to include additional college friends who were in the area for the week. What a beautiful and fun evening. Our group has expanded to the point of us adults being outnumbered by our offspring and what a lot of good quality kids! It's so fun to see them establishing relationships with each other that don't depend on us. There was lots of running around, laughing, and as you can see rolling down hills.

And then Father's Day came around! It felt like Mother's Day as my first gift of the day was an hour plus of "morning burst time" all alone. I love starting my day that way!! I got up before 6 a.m. so I could make a funny cake pie for Jason to enjoy with a cup of coffee before chores. I was pleased with the results of making the pie crust with our lard and then the pie with 100% sorghum flour. Yummy flavor! We enjoyed our coffee and pie with the littlest gal and then soon after the older girls woke to enjoy a piece as well before getting started on their day. 

In that hour plus I also got another batch of cottage cheese started (the first batch disappeared in one sitting!), skimmed cream for butter, started yogurt, made fresh ricotta and got started on our brunch. Oh and got the currant jam going- Jason had hinted to his daughters that IF they wanted to give him a Father's Day present he would gladly accept them picking the red currants to make jam. AND he went as far as to request that we give the Victorio Strainer a try for a smoother jam. He got his wish! I think I had done about 3 rounds of dishes before 10 a.m. I was doing a lot of playing in the kitchen!

Jason got chores done and pruned the last apple tree, while Kali got her duck chores done and I made brunch. We sat down to a feast around 10:30 a.m. - yogurt skillet cornbread with fresh currant jam, a special mushroom, hot sauce, sausage quiche just for Jason, and a sausage, greens egg bake for the rest of us! We were well tanked up for the day after that one! Once our bellies were satisfied it was time to get all sun-screened up for garlic pulling. It's not my favorite time of day in June to head out to work but with possible storms in the forecast we really wanted to get the garlic pulled and hanging in the garage so off we went! I won't say that we enjoyed 100% cooperation (especially with our littlest who gets hot so easily and normally seems to all of a sudden desperately want to nurse when we are outside trying to complete a project), but it wasn't too bad (let's say it has been much worse). And thankfully it is the time of year when the trees help us out a lot by providing many pockets of shade. Here's a smattering of pictures of our garlic harvest fun. And FUN it was! One of my jobs was going ahead of Jason and pulling large baskets of weeds to either mulch with or give to the pigs. They were happy, happy pigs as I brought load after load of some of their favorites - smart weed at the top of that list.  I would take the younger girls with me in the wagon so they could watch them savor their treats. I told Jason that I knew what caption I would put with the first picture below: "Tangly Woods television!"

As if that hadn't been enough fun in our day, the storms did not materialize and so we were able to enjoy a family jaunt to the blueberry patch as the day cooled. There was a nice breeze so very few bugs and the berries plentiful. Jason said it will likely go down in history as the best family blueberry picking time ever (I think we might be able to top it if we had a time where Alida had remembered to get a drink before we walked all the way to the patch and then found herself suffering from intense thirst the entire time we were there, but it was still pleasant overall!). What a lovely day! Now let's see what this new week has in store for us...