My third pregnancy thus far...

Even the words "third pregnancy" sound a little odd to me. I never thought I would experience the mystery three times of a baby growing inside of me, as Jason and I had always talked about having two children. There is sadness in knowing that while I'll have birthed three children, there will only be two living. But I also find myself grateful so many times over again to Nora for all the gifts her little life offered to me; the least of those being the chance to experience pregnancy again. I'm thinking more of the lessons surrounding grace, courage, risk, hope, love, and acceptance - lessons that are still finding their way into the core of my being. And lessons which, no doubt, this third little one will add to!

So the last three blog postings were quick and easy. This one will not be so, because talking about Tadpole inevitably leads me to thinking about, if not talking about, Drimpy (Nora's in utero name). That is part of the beauty of this time. Kali has talked more about Nora in the past 3 months that she likely did the 2 years prior to that. Nora is her only other frame of reference for the experience of being a big sister. It seems that memories have been triggered by us expecting another baby in our family and with that comes her verbalization of some of those memories, questions about how we may or may not do things differently this time, and (in her own way) her acknowledging the unknowns that we all feel at times as we embark on this journey. And it hasn't been this way for only Kali, though I sometimes wondered if getting pregnant with another child would cause me to feel more distant from Nora. That scared me. But it has been precious to me to feel anything but - to feel closer to her memory and her little spirit that seems to pour out nothing but acceptance and groundedness.

As we have shared the news with friends, family, co-workers, and many other members of our community we have been overwhelmed with the enthusiasm and support of those around us. Some occasional questions and statements catch me a bit off guard. "You must be so scared." "This pregnancy is going to be so much harder than the others isn't it?" They do not catch me off guard because they strike me as unusual or abnormal or even uncaring. It is more that I have been continually amazed and deeply grateful that I am not "so scared" and that so far I sense that my anxiety is lower this time than it was with Nora (even early on).

There is no physical reason to lean on for this - while Tadpole and I checked out beautifully at our 12 week appointment and hearing his/her heartbeat was reassuring, we knew nothing of Nora's challenges before much later in the pregnancy. I sense that it is more the fruits of the over three year journey Jason and I embarked on when Nora joined our family, only later to leave us. A journey that has encouraged us to embrace mystery, to be more accepting of ourselves and others, to risk loving and living fully, to be present to life as it is and find the gifts in it...

Do I have my moments? Yes! Even as I write this, all sorts of things go through my mind: wondering if this post will be one I'll look back on from a very different vantage point if this little one inside me starts showing signs of not growing well. But, on a much more surface level, it is kind of like my saying I think we are having a boy and enjoying having a hunch, even though I really don't have a clue. I am choosing to focus as much of my energy as I can possibly divert to it on the joy of this time and this little one. I don't know what will come down the road months from now, but it seems that focusing on all the negative "what if's" will not in anyway benefit the final outcome. It seems that the time now enjoying Kali relating to Tadpole and thinking of her as a big sister to him/her, of accepting kisses for the baby from Jason and Kali, of talking about our hopes and dreams for this addition to our family has much more potential than worry to prepare us for whatever our family will experience together as the months go by. So, whenever we can catch our breath and slow the pace, we are attempting to savor the present moment, allowing that to provide a strong foundation for the future.