Snowy days give way to reminiscing...

What a glorious morning. It was so bright out, with crystals on top of the snow, that I couldn't really tell what I was taking pictures of but everything around me was sparkling and beautiful. I started the morning by shoveling out the laundry line so I could freeze dry at least one load of the laundry that has been piling up the last week or so. My arms were already feeling that good, tired, sore feeling from the shoveling yesterday...

We had another sleepover in the front room last evening which has made the weekend feel a little more festive and fun. Yesterday ended with such a warm cozy feeling, as I lounged on the futon doing some reading and Kali played blocks very energetically and enthusiastically with Jason (both were having a very good time!)

Here, for those that haven't already seen them, are photos of yesterday's fun and adventures:
http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/Snowstorm#

And new pictures from today, complete with some captions to give a sense of the activities photographed. That good, sore, tired feeling is more pronounced this evening!!: http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/DayAfterSnowstorm#

On the backdrop of this snowy relaxed weekend has been a challenging month for me emotionally. Just as the sun broke through two days of low visibility, snow and clouds, I am hopeful that the coming weeks will provide more opportunities for processing and getting more clarity around the swirling emotions. I've been missing Nora a lot and finding myself reliving moments of her life with us more these days than I have for months. I also miss talking about her.

Recently at work, I was going through files of our December graduates and purging them of unnecessary documents before I put them with my other alumni files. I found myself pausing as I flipped through piles of correspondence with these students. The dates jumped out at me: May 30, 2008, June 6, 2008, etc... Some of these students were just entering the program the summer of Nora's death. Others knew her and were some of the many people who supported us. For me, it was an odd feeling to realize that from here on out, almost all students that will be graduating will not have known Nora. She was such a part of my work life for several months that many memories are still intertwined with my memories of working with students and colleagues. It is another marker of the passage of time.

It may be silly to even think this way, but the last few days I've been grateful that the winter Nora was with us was not like the one we are experiencing this year. Jason and I were just reflecting last night that we hardly remember any snow falls while Nora was at home with us. I took a picture this morning of her memory garden all covered with snow. What new life is waiting to burst forth as the ground thaws and warms.

Maybe it is that winter brings with it a certain longing - longing for new life, for more light, for color and warmth...And two winters ago we found ourselves longing for good news, for hopeful signs, for growth that didn't come. Maybe this time of year will always be a reminder for me of hopes unfulfilled. Yet it is countered so strongly by Kali's vibrant love of life and SNOW. She thinks at times that all this snow is because she ordered it. :) And she is considering ordering it year round so watch out!

There may be more we'll note here about our processing in the coming weeks. We have the opportunity to engage in an interview for a website that has been created by a current CJP student: http://www.journey-through-grief.com/ Reading her book Seasons of Solace during the past week has been very helpful. We will also be sharing in a Trauma Awareness and Transformation class about the role of writing in our grief journey (and likely much more). We find ourselves always grateful, even when it stretches us, for opportunities to talk and write about Nora and our time with her and without her. Among other things, it helps keep the memories alive, which is a more precious gift with each passing day.