It has been a week unlike any other I have experienced to this point in my now 32 years! On the eve of my birthday I received the awaited call that a close friend, who I was going to have the privilege of accompanying through labor and delivery of their first baby, was beginning labor. With excitement, anticipation and some nervousness (did I have what it takes to be a good labor support person??), I headed to the hospital shortly after 7pm, where I stayed until I left sleepy but completely wired a little before 3am. What a way to bring in a birthday and how special that this little girl now shares my own! And I was so grateful to her for waiting that extra day needed for us to return from Jason's sister's wedding in Pennsylvania (which really deserves a posting all to itself - a wonderful weekend of celebrating love and life - a great precursor to this week).
Having only experienced birth from the vantage point of the person giving birth, this was a completely new and incredible experience. I keep being reminded of something Jason wrote to friends and family after Nora's birth: "For me, the labor and delivery were an awe-inspiring experience. To be so closely involved in such a monumental process with someone who did it so well was truly beautiful, and a memory I will always cherish." I couldn't say it better.
What was also beautiful and unexpected, was how much the experience brought back bodily memories of birthing our daughters, especially Kali. And thankfully it did not conjure up feelings of "I never want to do this again" since it is a little too late for that! No doubt, there is no task I will likely ever do more difficult than birthing one of our children, but I feel re-inspired and amazed by the strength of a woman's body (and of course in this instance my friend's!!). I don't feel like I did much other than comment verbally on a job being well done and be a participant, observer and a recipient of the gift of watching a healthy, vibrant new life enter our world. I have no doubts our world (which is already more beautiful) will be a better place with her in it!
I found myself going through complete withdrawal in the hours/days after the birth. To be part of something so amazing, to see this little one breath her first breaths on the outside world, and then go home and climb into bed felt very odd (even with knowing she was in excellent hands). It reminded me, on a much smaller and less emotion-laden scale, the odd feelings I had in the hours after Nora's birth to go back to my "recovery room" without her with me. It was wonderful to head back to the hospital with Kali later on my birthday to hold the new little one and give her a more official welcome! So a wonderful, wonderful birthday and one I'll remember for a long time, even if I spent it feeling sleepier than most birthdays.
Now as we turn over a new leaf on a week, I am happy to be solidly in my 16th week of Tadpole's "incubation" inside me: grateful for renewed energy, a steady tummy when accepting food into it, and enjoying very much my little pouch out front. I'd be fine to have my daily (subtle but annoying) headaches subside at any point. I continue to stop short when I think I might feel movement, but it seems like my sitting still and concentrating on possible movement makes Tadpole uninterested in performing!
(Picture taken in PA at wedding) Kali continues to overwhelm me with her sweetness towards Tadpole (and me as the holder of this little brother or sister that she so eagerly anticipates). There have been so many moments of pure sweetness poured out towards my abdomen, like last evening when she came up to me and leaned over at my belly and said, "I love you Tadpole."We look forward to our second Centering Pregnancy group appointment next Tuesday. I don't believe I've commented much on our choice to go with group prenatal care rather than individual appointments (if interested an overview of Centering can be found online at http://www.centeringhealthcare.org/pages/centering-model/pregnancy-overview.php) In the course of the first session I went from feeling fairly skeptical that this model was "for us" with this third pregnancy, to being a complete advocate and hearty supporter of the model.
A few things that I believe will be very empowering and helpful about this model of care for us in the coming months:
Initially it was disappointing to think about Kali not being able to come to all the appointments. But in some ways it will end up being a gift for Jason and I to have these 2 hour blocks of time with other expectant parents to focus on Tadpole's pending arrival into our family and feel a freedom to speak without filtering our words through the "Kali test." And she is happily at school during the time so will not sense that she is missing anything.
There is still some anxiety for me surrounding prenatal appointments. I found that the Centering gathering carried none of that - no exam room to contend with! Just a circle of mothers, spouses/partners, a nurse and midwife - together sharing information, experiences, wisdom, ideas, etc... To have prenatal care become less clinical and like a group of normal pregnant women gathering to prepare as best they can for these new family members was a wonderful breath of fresh air!
As one of only two women in the group that has ever given birth before, it has already been fun to share from our experience of birth (particularly because we can share positive experiences of hospital births - both at RMH and at UVA). And I imagine that sharing will become even more in depth in future gatherings. Clearly some of the women in the group have a lot of anxiety around birth and parenting, and have not had the most encouraging or helpful sources of information. I am excited to be part of a model of health care that I fully expect will be empowering and help all of us be more prepared for this upcoming transition.
I think ultimately one of the best things about us choosing Centering Pregnancy is how it sets this third pregnancy apart from the previous two, helping it to feel unique and special. So we journey on with eagerness and anticipation - it seems that most of my anxiety thus far has chosen to come out at night through dreams and seems to be centered around the upcoming routine 20 week ultrasound. I'll hopefully be practicing some deep breathing and relaxation between now and then!!
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