Coronavirus

What do I want to be in our family's 2020 scrapbook related to the times we currently find ourselves living in? It's tempting to not blog about it at all - clearly there is enough of an onslaught of information of various kinds coming our way. But the thought of printing this blog at the end of the year and not having it included would paint an entirely inaccurate picture of our year. So here I am seated in the quiet of our front room while the rest of the family sleeps on. 

It was probably unwise to watch a clip done by my second cousin, an epidemiologist, on "Bluffton, Ohio COVID-19 Fatality Modelling." right before trying to sleep last night (well, it was actually already morning when I started it). While I slept more solidly than normal, the landscape of my dreams was all coronavirus-related - in this instance a lot around how we continue to connect with those near and dear to us, while also being wise in what precautions we take to do our part in trying to "flatten the curve" as I have heard articulated and called for by many! 

One of the first things that came up on my Facebook feeds this morning was the following, posted by a friend and neighbor:

"And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed." ~Kitty O'Meara

This is an appealing image to me in so many ways. Of course, I want beauty to come from ashes. I want us to learn from these challenging times. I am always eager to find the silver lining in any difficult circumstance. That said, I'm finding myself confused by how to think or feel about everything swirling around. My work and personal world for the last number of days has been focused on "undoing" work and plans and adjusting to new ways of operating and being with and in community with others. I'm trying to figure out if/how to keep some normal routines going, how to balance the safety and needs of our family with the broader community care and support needed. 

When the question was asked, "How are you preparing for this crisis?," nothing in particular came immediately to mind. And then I thought that in some ways that is what the last 14 years have been about for us. We have been deeply troubled by the lack of resiliency in many of the systems on which we depend. So we have thrown ourselves with love, determination and some angst into attempting to forge a path of living that is not so dependent on those systems and that is hopefully a life that heals more than it destroys. So we, personally, feel prepared to hole up here at Tangly Woods for an undefined period of time. And, under normal circumstances, would welcome that. I have long dreamed of more time at home. But how to celebrate that very real possibility knowing that so many are a hundred times more vulnerable and less prepared for the unfolding chaos around us. 

I have relied on various things shared on social media for perspective, inspiration and challenge. This was one of the prayers we read as a family before a recent meal and is still on my mind and heart often.

I started my morning with doing a short meditation on dealing with difficult emotions from a series of Self-Compassion Meditations shared with me by a dear friend, who knows me well enough to know I could benefit from them. This morning I focused on sitting with the difficult emotions of worry and anxiety that are familiar companions on my life's journey, and seem to want to be especially close pals right now. As I await repeat blood work later this month to see if my white count and platelets have risen back into the normal range, I live with uncertainty about that in general and more specifically if that may mean I'm more vulnerable right now. I'm someone who feels my anxiety in my body and would much rather push it away than welcome and do the hard work of trying to soothe and soften and open myself to it. Hence the meditations!!

So today's a Sunday. And I now have a little gal snuggled on my lap attempting to catch a few more winks, but I am doubtful that will happen. So I'll bring this to a close by noting that a few weeks back we talked as a family about the need to designate a Sunday where we cleared the calendar - where we didn't go anywhere, where we didn't plan things with others outside of our family, where we had space and time to just be together. Today was marked as that day. A day surrounded at that time with many other activities and engagements that are now cancelled. Little did we know then that the effort to protect this one day would not be so hard. Now the challenge if to set aside this computer and with it all the things I could/should/want to be doing. My heart is especially troubled by wanting to support the many students I care deeply about who are floundering to be students and humans with many other aspects of their lives deeply affected by the pandemic. That will be there and I will contribute what I can. But, today, I also commit to giving myself fully to my family for pockets of the day and also allowing myself to be nourished by a stroll around our land taking in the signs of new life and beauty that are so evident at this time of year!