Before we head out to "follow Kali's nose" for the day, I thought I would post here Jason's and my reflections on Kali's birth. All the other girls have their birth stories in our printed blog books, but Kali's came before the days of our scrapbook being in this virtual space. So I'm sharing it now, with all the feels that come with reflecting back on that day and all the life that has been traveled since then! It's also fun for me to read it now through my birth worker lens, thinking about all the things I didn't know then, but that didn't keep me from having an incredible experience birthing our first baby. I did have the continuity of labor support that helped me to feel surrounded by loving care for the duration of that very intense experience, which is something I'm now grateful to have the privilege of providing for others.
Written 8/22/03
Dear Family and Friends,
(after writing this we determined that this is not a letter but an “epistle from the lovers of Kali” – in other words it is long so read as much or as little as you like…)
Today is a special day, as every day has been in the last week. Today is the 1-week birthday of our daughter, Kali Jean Myers. For those of you who have not received the news yet, Kali was born on August 15th at 2:31am. She weighed just over 7lbs and was 18 inches long (though we have reason to believe now that her length was not measured correctly in the hospital). She has already brought so much joy into our home!!
August 10th, my official due date, came and went and the days seemed to drag by very slowly. Each day I went to work and at the end of the day made sure everything was cleaned up and in place just in case this would be my last day of work. It got increasingly more difficult to come back the next morning. It didn’t help that all my co-workers were also eager for something to happen and, though they may have tried to mask it, always seemed a bit disappointed when I showed up in the morning. The Friday before my due date, I had an appointment with the midwife and had forgotten to write it on my board outside my door. By the time I arrived at work that morning, the hospital and my home had already been called in search of my whereabouts. So the anticipation was building all around me.
I was definitely having tightening of the uterus, but this being our first baby, I wasn’t sure what to call a contraction and what to just chalk up to my uterus trying to get into shape for the task ahead. For about 3 weeks I had been dilating slightly and my cervix was thinning out nicely. On Friday the 8th, I was about 2 ½ cm dilated, 90% effaced and baby was at station “O.” The midwife reassured me that she didn’t think it would be very long! Well, from Friday to the following Friday felt awfully long to this very expectant Mommy!
As the week progressed I monitored every sensation that passed through my body. On Thursday, I think I had given up hope of her coming anytime real soon. I also knew that I had made it through over half a week of work so I could make it until the weekend. I didn’t really notice much all day. At 3pm I went up the faculty/staff conference for the last portion of the meeting for that day. It seemed like the minute I got into the room, I started feeling “not so great.” I felt uncomfortable and had sensations that were coming and going regularly, but to be honest I was worried that they were just consistent gas pains so I tried to not get excited.
I headed home soon after 4pm and I continued to feel as if something was different. Jason got home and I hesitated to verbalize what I was feeling, for fear of getting both of our hopes up. Yet, as the evening progressed, it seemed like something really was happening. We made supper and ate together, though I wasn’t sure what to eat or how much to eat, and my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of the possible journey ahead of us that night.
After dinner we spent some time getting things together, just in case, and then decided to make a 1st birthday cake. We had read in one of our books, that making a cake for the baby is a good early labor activity and it seemed fitting for us. So we made a banana cake and started a game of Yahtzee while the cake was in the oven. As we played I jotted in the margin every time I felt what I can now say was a contraction. By this point they were coming every 3-6 minutes apart and lasting for close to a minute. But they weren’t overly intense, so I didn’t have a good sense of where things were at and how quickly we were progressing.
Around 9:30pm I called our friend Melody (who I’ve called often throughout pregnancy to benefit from her expertise as a labor and delivery nurse) for some advice and some consolation that what I was feeling was what could be considered “labor.” I then called the midwife on call, Marty Jones, and just let her know that she might be seeing me later that evening. Although my contractions met the definition for when they say to come in to the hospital, I didn’t really have a desire to leave home yet and Marty encouraged me to stay at home if I wanted to. The only reason to come in at this point she said was if I wanted something to help me sleep or for pain. I wasn’t interested in either so we decided to stay put. I even thought that maybe I would be able to get some sleep. That changed…
We called both of our families and got them excited about the prospect of our baby finally deciding to make her entrance in the world. Of course I was still worried that this was all “false” labor and before long it would go away. But that was not to happen.
By about 11:30 contractions were getting closer together and more intense. I tried different positions for each contraction, none of which were working very well. I was starting to get little more interested in heading to RMH (Rockingham Memorial Hospital). I sort of felt like it would be helpful to have some sense of where things were at and whether we were progressing at all, a little or a lot. But I also didn’t want to get to the hospital and find out I was 3cm. I had wanted to labor at home in familiar surroundings for as long as possible. Jason was trying to help me decide what we should do when all of a suddenly my water broke and the decision was made!
After that contractions changed substantially. We called Melody who was going to be accompanying us to the hospital and Ellen Miller who we had also asked to be with me in labor. Jason got the car packed with all the things we had gotten together for the hospital. I focused on getting through contractions (which were now closer to 2 or 3 minutes apart).
We arrived at RMH just as Ellen was arriving. There was no one in sight at the ER when we arrived, which seemed a little odd. We finally found someone and before too long we were on our way to the 3rd floor, the Family Birth Place.
We got into our room around 12:30am and they started the admission process. I got a question or two answered between each contraction. The nurse decided to check me and see where things were at. The midwife had been called, but I don’t think she had been told to hurry in, since it was the middle of the night and I was a first time laboring mom.
As the nurse checked me she seemed to be a bit puzzled and then exclaimed, “I don’t feel any cervix.” Well in my current state this was a bit alarming. No cervix? What did that mean? I knew I was dilating last week and I didn’t think things could go backwards. I asked her what that meant and I think she could tell I sounded a bit worried. She replied, “That’s good news for you, we just won’t have time to finish our paperwork.” Apparently, I was completely dilated and our baby was ready to make her way through the birth canal. At this point contractions also started bringing uncontrollable urges to push. I think it felt to both of us as if it was all happening pretty fast. I had been gearing myself up for a long night and here we were without time to unpack our bags and get out all the labor helping-devices we had brought along.
I believe at this point another call was made to the midwife in which she was told to come (as quickly as possible). She arrived around 1am. She checked me and confirmed that I was indeed fully dilated and she gave me permission to start pushing with the next contraction. We pushed (and I say we because I definitely had amazing support with Jason, Melody, Ellen, Marty and my nurse right by my side) for the next hour and a half and at 2:31am we heard our little Kali for the first time.
The midwife instructed me to pull her out and onto my chest, which I did. We learned quickly that her lungs were very functional, but soon she quieted down and was alert and eager to take in this new world she had just entered. We remained in the delivery room for about an hour (time enough for Marty to stitch the few small tears I had and for Kali to get her first bath). Then we made our way to what would be our room for the next 30 hours or so.
We were so thankful that we were able to have Kali with us in our room. She went to the nursery 3 times – once for her first picture, once for Mom to get an hour or two of sleep when it was the second night without sleep, and once to get a hearing test and other tests done (which was by far her least favorite visit). Even the doctors were kind enough to come check her both mornings in our room. We had some anxiety going into the birth about what we would experience at the hospital and left feeling so grateful for our experience there. We were very well cared for, as was Kali.
It’s hard to believe that that was only 1 week ago. Already it seems that some of the intense emotions are beginning to fade as we completely engross ourselves in loving this new little bundle!! It feels like birthing Kali was not only the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life but the most rewarding. I am constantly amazed by her presence in our lives and cannot imagine life without her.
Despite being up many more hours a day than I am used to, it feels like there are never enough hours in the day to soak in her presence. We have also been blessed with the presence of my Mom here with us since last Friday afternoon. That has been such a gift – something I dreamed of but also knew may not have been possible. We have treasured these days!
Of course we worry about everything – is she breathing, is she eating enough, is she having enough wet and poopy diapers daily, is she sleeping too much, is she too hot, is she too cold… We also worried quite a bit initially about her bilirubin levels (jaundice). When we left the hospital they were at 10.9 and by Monday when Melody came for a home visit, they had risen to 15.9. Dr Nio, her family doctor, called and told us that we needed to take her in to the hospital the next day to get tested again. If it continued to rise and went above 18 we would have to look into her coming back into the hospital to be under the bilirubin lights. I was told to nurse her frequently to keep her hydrated. That night I woke her up every 2 hours at least, which was quite a task at times, to nurse and we also tried to get her in the sun as much as possible. The trip to the hospital was much more traumatic for Mom and Dad than Kali. We all were exhausted, though, when we returned home. Later that afternoon Dr Nio called with the good news that the levels had dropped to 14.7 and she did not need to be tested anymore. I was SO relieved.
Yesterday Kali had her first doctor’s appointment. We were eager to see how she was doing. I was eager to know if she was gaining weight, which would help me determine if I was feeding her enough. Well, on reporting the results to my Dad last night Kali was given the title “little piggy” and I “Guernsey cow.” Kali was discharged at 6lb 11oz and then Monday evening weighed 6lb 12 oz. As of yesterday, 4 days later, she weighed 7lb 6oz (a 10 ounce gain in 4 days). She also measured 22 inches which is why we are certain that she was not 18 inches at delivery; less than a week prior.
So she is growing and healthy and happy. She is so alert when awake and completely zonked out when asleep. She also smiled an awful lot and has convinced all of us in this house (Mom, Jason and I), that they can’t possibly all be reflexes. Of course each person is more convinced after they have just been smiled at!! I also am quite convinced that I heard a laugh the other day as I was laying with her on the bed. I looked over and she got the biggest grin on her face and made a sound very unlike anything I had heard from her before and everything like a very contented giggle.
Yes, Jason and I have fallen head over heels in love with her. Jason wrote the following in his journal the other night while watching her sleep.
Kali
How is it that
not so long ago
you were a dream
impossible to
imagine.
But now when you
move your tiny hand
to rub your face
I feel a tug in
my own heart.
This is Jason writing now. This has been such an amazing experience for us. I’m doing a lot of falling in love just now. I’m falling in love with our little girl and I’m falling in love with the new Janelle. It’s interesting to be feeling feelings for both of them that I haven’t felt since I was falling in love with Janelle in Bolivia. It’s a feeling of being moved beyond myself. Of being disturbed powerfully from the place I was before, and reaching out of myself to find my new identity intertwined with someone else’s.
Other thoughts I am experiencing are thoughts of wonder. Things as simple as the fact that she has now breathed on her own for a full week after never having done it before really catch me off guard sometimes and make me drop my inner jaw. At those times I feel a deep sense of gratitude and awe at the miracle of her, and I am humbled, because all I do is help keep her warm and clean and loved, and life takes care of the rest. In keeping with those thoughts, let me share one other little piece of writing I did for my journal.
It is certain that we gave you something (I have
felt it leaving in waves) but
we did not give you life.
That is not ours to give. And
we did not give you breath
You drew that from the swirling sea of air. And
we did not give you a mind
Your mind is your own. And
we did not give you a body
Life made that for you. And
we did not give you a soul
From what deep mystery did you receive your soul?
we gave you what we had to give:
ourselves.
It is odd to have spent the recent years of my life being almost universally active. I have had trouble being at peace with myself if I haven’t been making productive use of my time. Well, this baby is changing everything, and I have been very content to spend many waking, potentially productive hours this week sitting very still with a baby on my lap or in my arms that would have been just as content and sleepy in the cradle. I could have been getting something else done. But my desire for anything else but to be still and absorb her little baby energy and sweetness has evaporated; at least for this week. Thank you all for all of your support and interest throughout this pregnancy and since the birth. Kali has been worth every bit of energy we (and you) have given her. She is coming into this world well loved!
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