Snippets from Fruit Farm Lane

Is life ever not full and overflowing!? I keep typing a sentence and erasing it, typing and then erasing. It is a symptom of too much bubbling up to say and not knowing where to start. I said to Jason last evening that sometimes it is hard for me to grasp all the big changes coming up in our lives in the next six months. I'll share a few snippets at least of life as it is currently:

The changing landscape of our home: As I type I hear stomping overhead, the sound of many unfamiliar voices, the banging and clunking around that has become a familiar background noise of late. I wake up many morning to the sky lightening and the sound of work vehicles pulling in. Many, many visible changes to our property as Mom and Dad's home is nearing the end of the framing stage. I can finally visualize it, now that the shell is here. The process has been positive for the most part, despite some unexpected surprises along the way, which I would assume are more or less part of the journey. I feel my excitement rise as I think of what a cozy, welcoming and homey place this will be for my folks. And looking out my kitchen window, I look up at their dining room and living room windows. I've said a few times that somehow it seems fitting that I'll still be looking up to them!

Kali's keeps growing up: Sometimes it is hard to keep up with her (not only in shoe size but her mind too!). The other day she asked Jason, "What is 60 x 60?" After he told her that it was 3600 she thought for a minute and said, "Wow, so a second is 1/3600 of an hour." She leaves us speechless sometimes!! Jason also had a hard time stumping her the other day in a "reading/spelling lesson" that she requested. We are all getting in the groove of the Fall schedule, with Kali at SVCS two days a week for school and with Jason there volunteering an additional half day. She is enjoying the various optional classes she can take part in and we are starting to feel a bit more like "normal parents" of school age children with sorting through the crafts coming home, the field trip notes and participating in providing supplies for one of Kali's favorite classes - cooking class. Jason particularly felt this keenly the other week when Kali and I were walking down the driveway to catch a ride. All of a sudden she said something to the effect of "oops, I don't have the blueberries." I was clueless as to what she was talking about, but after some investigating learned that she had volunteered to bring blueberries for the cooking class that day. A quick phone call up to the house to Jason had him sprinting down the lane with a container of berries, reaching us just as our ride pulled up, and then catching his breath (and I imagine chuckling!).

Tadpole is growing too: We had our second Centering Pregnancy group this past week and are still thrilled with the model. There will be no easy fix for the rising emotions I feel in me as we approach the halfway point in this pregnancy. But it was good to meet again with other mothers, to hear Tadpole's heartbeat going strong and clear, and to know that at least for now from all we can tell from the outside, things are progressing as we would want them to be. No doubt as the next month goes by and the halfway point, along with the standard ultrasound, approaches I will need to find sources of strength within myself and outside of myself to help me continue to keep anxiety at bay and some semblance of emotional stability. I love my expanding mid-section and I stop short at every twinge/twang/bubble/stirring within me. Our home is ready (okay, so we have a few things to do) to welcome this new little one and one of my mantra's continues to be "it is what it is." Somehow this helps me to not always be yearning for, wondering about, reaching towards something other than what we are experiencing in the here and now. It was good and felt right to take some of our most recent pictures of my "bulge" in Nora's garden near some blooming flowers! The reminders of her presence are always close to us in October, as we anticipate the anniversary of her birth.

Jason's new obsession: So most people know that Jason is quite fond of chickens. What you may not know yet is that he is also becoming quite a fan of colored popcorn. And I get a kick out of it!! He has been found more than once in deep admiration of the bowl of colored kernels, and at times scooping out handfuls to watch them cascade down from his outstretched hands. I also got a kick out of his attempts to stack a family meeting recently. It was one of those impromptu ones where he was ready to decide which of the many colored ears of popcorn we grew this year would be kept for seed next year. It just so happened that he and Kali had some strongly differing opinions about which were eligible for keeping out for seed. While it is always nice to be included in the decision-making process, I had to be completely honest that I was having a hard time mustering up an opinion. I thought they were all beautiful, and the popcorn was absolutely delicious, but I really didn't feel the need to give suggestions - particularly with two persons who clearly did not need help having an opinion. What became quite clear as time went by was that what Jason really wanted was an ally, and some additional persuasive powers to convince our daughter that the brown themed ears were in fact worthy of seed-saving. As it turned out, they both were given the opportunity to choose a few for seed that the other did not approve of.

Friendships blossoming: We continue to enjoy watching Kali make friends and deepen existing friendships. She seems comfortable and content in her school setting and continues to enjoy playdates with friends outside of school, and has even graduated to sleepovers (which we are not too disappointed about!). She just returned home before lunch today from her first sleepover with two Keezletown friends. I took it as a good sign when her first words upon seeing me today were, "do I really have to go?" She is now absorbed in a Calvin & Hobbes book and if she allowed herself to do such a thing, I imagine she would be napping before too long. It just so happens that these little friends normally go to bed at about 6:30-7pm and wake up about the same in the morning. Kali is more a 10-11pm to 8:30-10am kind of girl. What was reported to me was she kept her traditional going to sleep time but her friends were not interested in watching a sleeping guest this morning. :)

Jason and I thoroughly enjoyed our waking hours together - getting two walks in during that time, cooking a delicious dinner together with garden veggies (that we knew Kali would not miss but that we would savor), and chipped away at the list of things to talk about, those best done with no little ears close at hand or a mind full of questions! We also started reading (okay, so we just got through the introduction before we both were dozing off on the futon) a book we hope to work through together this Fall (Your Money or Your Life).

Tonight Kali AND Jason will both experience something new. Jason's mentee plays in the marching band at a local high school and he invited us to the homecoming game tonight to hear him play. What I didn't realize until we were talking about this possibility was that Jason has NEVER been to a high school football game. As one of the main social hangout spots in my high school experience, it was a bit difficult for me to conceptualize this! So I, having not been to a game in my adult life, will be taking in this cultural experience with my family members for whom there will be no previous memories to mix with the experience! It should be a fun family adventure.

Celebrating Life!

At the close of this week, I feel full (and not because we just finished a delicious dinner of fresh green beans from the garden, sauce made from some of the last garden produce, the last of the ground venison from our freezer and green homemade pasta made with lamb's quarter and the precious few eggs we are getting from our hens these days).

It has been a week unlike any other I have experienced to this point in my now 32 years! On the eve of my birthday I received the awaited call that a close friend, who I was going to have the privilege of accompanying through labor and delivery of their first baby, was beginning labor. With excitement, anticipation and some nervousness (did I have what it takes to be a good labor support person??), I headed to the hospital shortly after 7pm, where I stayed until I left sleepy but completely wired a little before 3am. What a way to bring in a birthday and how special that this little girl now shares my own! And I was so grateful to her for waiting that extra day needed for us to return from Jason's sister's wedding in Pennsylvania (which really deserves a posting all to itself - a wonderful weekend of celebrating love and life - a great precursor to this week).

Having only experienced birth from the vantage point of the person giving birth, this was a completely new and incredible experience. I keep being reminded of something Jason wrote to friends and family after Nora's birth: "For me, the labor and delivery were an awe-inspiring experience. To be so closely involved in such a monumental process with someone who did it so well was truly beautiful, and a memory I will always cherish." I couldn't say it better.

What was also beautiful and unexpected, was how much the experience brought back bodily memories of birthing our daughters, especially Kali. And thankfully it did not conjure up feelings of "I never want to do this again" since it is a little too late for that! No doubt, there is no task I will likely ever do more difficult than birthing one of our children, but I feel re-inspired and amazed by the strength of a woman's body (and of course in this instance my friend's!!). I don't feel like I did much other than comment verbally on a job being well done and be a participant, observer and a recipient of the gift of watching a healthy, vibrant new life enter our world. I have no doubts our world (which is already more beautiful) will be a better place with her in it!











I found myself going through complete withdrawal in the hours/days after the birth. To be part of something so amazing, to see this little one breath her first breaths on the outside world, and then go home and climb into bed felt very odd (even with knowing she was in excellent hands). It reminded me, on a much smaller and less emotion-laden scale, the odd feelings I had in the hours after Nora's birth to go back to my "recovery room" without her with me. It was wonderful to head back to the hospital with Kali later on my birthday to hold the new little one and give her a more official welcome! So a wonderful, wonderful birthday and one I'll remember for a long time, even if I spent it feeling sleepier than most birthdays.

Now as we turn over a new leaf on a week, I am happy to be solidly in my 16th week of Tadpole's "incubation" inside me: grateful for renewed energy, a steady tummy when accepting food into it, and enjoying very much my little pouch out front. I'd be fine to have my daily (subtle but annoying) headaches subside at any point. I continue to stop short when I think I might feel movement, but it seems like my sitting still and concentrating on possible movement makes Tadpole uninterested in performing!

(Picture taken in PA at wedding) Kali continues to overwhelm me with her sweetness towards Tadpole (and me as the holder of this little brother or sister that she so eagerly anticipates). There have been so many moments of pure sweetness poured out towards my abdomen, like last evening when she came up to me and leaned over at my belly and said, "I love you Tadpole."

We look forward to our second Centering Pregnancy group appointment next Tuesday. I don't believe I've commented much on our choice to go with group prenatal care rather than individual appointments (if interested an overview of Centering can be found online at http://www.centeringhealthcare.org/pages/centering-model/pregnancy-overview.php) In the course of the first session I went from feeling fairly skeptical that this model was "for us" with this third pregnancy, to being a complete advocate and hearty supporter of the model.

A few things that I believe will be very empowering and helpful about this model of care for us in the coming months:

Initially it was disappointing to think about Kali not being able to come to all the appointments. But in some ways it will end up being a gift for Jason and I to have these 2 hour blocks of time with other expectant parents to focus on Tadpole's pending arrival into our family and feel a freedom to speak without filtering our words through the "Kali test." And she is happily at school during the time so will not sense that she is missing anything.

There is still some anxiety for me surrounding prenatal appointments. I found that the Centering gathering carried none of that - no exam room to contend with! Just a circle of mothers, spouses/partners, a nurse and midwife - together sharing information, experiences, wisdom, ideas, etc... To have prenatal care become less clinical and like a group of normal pregnant women gathering to prepare as best they can for these new family members was a wonderful breath of fresh air!

As one of only two women in the group that has ever given birth before, it has already been fun to share from our experience of birth (particularly because we can share positive experiences of hospital births - both at RMH and at UVA). And I imagine that sharing will become even more in depth in future gatherings. Clearly some of the women in the group have a lot of anxiety around birth and parenting, and have not had the most encouraging or helpful sources of information. I am excited to be part of a model of health care that I fully expect will be empowering and help all of us be more prepared for this upcoming transition.

I think ultimately one of the best things about us choosing Centering Pregnancy is how it sets this third pregnancy apart from the previous two, helping it to feel unique and special. So we journey on with eagerness and anticipation - it seems that most of my anxiety thus far has chosen to come out at night through dreams and seems to be centered around the upcoming routine 20 week ultrasound. I'll hopefully be practicing some deep breathing and relaxation between now and then!!

First "etiquette dinner"

It seems that often when we hit some kind of "impasse" in our relationships, the brainstorming and creative problem solving that happens in a family meeting can lead to a good and fun solution. It is probably as much as anything taking the TIME needed to talk through things and think together about how to make things more workable for everyone. One of the most recent "impasses" we have been facing is how to make it such that mealtimes can be pleasant for all of us, when we are at home and out and about; how to encourage some measure of choices and freedom and having a semi-relaxed posture on manners and cultural norms, while keeping things in the bounds of "reasonable." Much more could be said but this will do for the preface of a blog post.

The outcome of our family meeting was that we would (somewhere in the range of once a month) have a fancy "etiquette dinner" to practice table manners that would be expected of someone in our cultural context - fun, informative, and a platform for good discussions about cultural norms, how things are done different places around the world, how different people even within a similar culture make very different choices. So tonight was the night!!

After a fun sleepover here with little friend Phoebe last night, Kali and I got to work shortly after noon on our "fancy meal." Kali had chosen the menu.

Appetizer: homemade tomato cocktail and cheese triangle crackers
Soup: lentil venison barley with rosemary
Bread: rye bread sticks with various olive oil dipping sauces
Main course: venison pea Indian dish over mashed potatoes (with the last potatoes from the garden)
Side dish: fresh pepper slices and cherry tomatoes from the garden
Dessert: serviceberry apple crisp with homemade strawberry dream cream

We were all so full by the end of dinner (okay, so I was full after the soup), that we have taken a short break to let things settle before dessert. Kali is ready to eat dessert and I'm ready to get into comfy clothes. :) So this will be short. In summary: we had fun! But my goodness there are a lot of things to remember when you try to be proper. We all got some reminders. My downfall is elbows on the table. Jason's is reaching for food. We gave the youngest member a good number of reminders about talking with a mouth full of food... But it was all in good spirits and there was definitely an incentive on Kali's part to keep her fancy dress clean.

I'm quite certain that Tadpole's favorite part of the day was the nap I squeezed in this afternoon. But I did think I felt two small movements towards the end of dinner, so maybe the meal was agreeing with him/her too. Kali of course put her hand on my belly right away - she is pretty eager to feel her little brother or sister moving in there. She gives me (well, my abdomen at least) many hugs and kisses each day!

My third pregnancy thus far...

Even the words "third pregnancy" sound a little odd to me. I never thought I would experience the mystery three times of a baby growing inside of me, as Jason and I had always talked about having two children. There is sadness in knowing that while I'll have birthed three children, there will only be two living. But I also find myself grateful so many times over again to Nora for all the gifts her little life offered to me; the least of those being the chance to experience pregnancy again. I'm thinking more of the lessons surrounding grace, courage, risk, hope, love, and acceptance - lessons that are still finding their way into the core of my being. And lessons which, no doubt, this third little one will add to!

So the last three blog postings were quick and easy. This one will not be so, because talking about Tadpole inevitably leads me to thinking about, if not talking about, Drimpy (Nora's in utero name). That is part of the beauty of this time. Kali has talked more about Nora in the past 3 months that she likely did the 2 years prior to that. Nora is her only other frame of reference for the experience of being a big sister. It seems that memories have been triggered by us expecting another baby in our family and with that comes her verbalization of some of those memories, questions about how we may or may not do things differently this time, and (in her own way) her acknowledging the unknowns that we all feel at times as we embark on this journey. And it hasn't been this way for only Kali, though I sometimes wondered if getting pregnant with another child would cause me to feel more distant from Nora. That scared me. But it has been precious to me to feel anything but - to feel closer to her memory and her little spirit that seems to pour out nothing but acceptance and groundedness.

As we have shared the news with friends, family, co-workers, and many other members of our community we have been overwhelmed with the enthusiasm and support of those around us. Some occasional questions and statements catch me a bit off guard. "You must be so scared." "This pregnancy is going to be so much harder than the others isn't it?" They do not catch me off guard because they strike me as unusual or abnormal or even uncaring. It is more that I have been continually amazed and deeply grateful that I am not "so scared" and that so far I sense that my anxiety is lower this time than it was with Nora (even early on).

There is no physical reason to lean on for this - while Tadpole and I checked out beautifully at our 12 week appointment and hearing his/her heartbeat was reassuring, we knew nothing of Nora's challenges before much later in the pregnancy. I sense that it is more the fruits of the over three year journey Jason and I embarked on when Nora joined our family, only later to leave us. A journey that has encouraged us to embrace mystery, to be more accepting of ourselves and others, to risk loving and living fully, to be present to life as it is and find the gifts in it...

Do I have my moments? Yes! Even as I write this, all sorts of things go through my mind: wondering if this post will be one I'll look back on from a very different vantage point if this little one inside me starts showing signs of not growing well. But, on a much more surface level, it is kind of like my saying I think we are having a boy and enjoying having a hunch, even though I really don't have a clue. I am choosing to focus as much of my energy as I can possibly divert to it on the joy of this time and this little one. I don't know what will come down the road months from now, but it seems that focusing on all the negative "what if's" will not in anyway benefit the final outcome. It seems that the time now enjoying Kali relating to Tadpole and thinking of her as a big sister to him/her, of accepting kisses for the baby from Jason and Kali, of talking about our hopes and dreams for this addition to our family has much more potential than worry to prepare us for whatever our family will experience together as the months go by. So, whenever we can catch our breath and slow the pace, we are attempting to savor the present moment, allowing that to provide a strong foundation for the future.

Storing up for winter...

Pictures speak more than many words on this front! The garden fence worked well this year. The soil's fertility improves a bit each year. And we plant more plants. And our peach tree gave us a few peaches for the first time! All that equals more food!! A very exciting and exhausting task to figure out what to do with it in the time available before it spoils. And we have also benefited from the over abundance of crops we don't grow (yet) from others' gardens. We were thrilled this year to find ourselves in a similar position to be able to give away some of the fruits of our labors. From this season's efforts, our pantry (not to mention our bedroom closet) is now bursting with applesauce, salsa, green beans, chicken, diced tomatoes, tomato juice, peach jam, canned peaches and pears, tomato sauce, pickles, apple butter, and other jams. Our freezer continues to be rearranged to fit in a few more containers of various thing around the corn, pesto, diced peppers, okra, lamb's quarters and more lamb's quarter, jams, tomato paste, chicken, etc... Our supply of onions, garlic and potatoes is dwindling but will hold out for awhile yet, and the sweet potatoes are yet to be dug and the butternut will be with us for quite some time!! Oh, and the chestnut trees seem to have a bumper crop and the persimmons are already ripening. I said recently that at times (on the food front anyway), I have a sense of being "overwhelmed by abundance." And I struggle to think that there are persons living close to me that do not have enough food to eat. Somehow it seems we need to find ways to connect the dots - we turned down multiple offers of extra produce this year. For a future year, when my energy outlasts the canner, I hope to work more intentionally at getting surplus food where it can be used by persons would would most benefit from it.

Here's some more visuals. Many times this year we have gotten to the end of a project before we realize that photos might have been nice:

New ways of reading...

Please note: not staged photos! We have discovered that Kali enjoys reading in various positions. This seems to be the newest. Does all the information go right into the brain more easily when upside down??

Second Trimester begins!!

So I realize I haven't posted a thing since we made public that Tadpole is on his/her way! I figured today, the start of our 13th week coexisting, was a good time to enter the blogsphere again! I've mostly been just trying to make sure my energy lasts through the bare essentials of life - which in the past few months has involved A LOT of food processing, with grabbing naps on the futon whenever possible.

But I suppose it is a good sign that it is only 10:15am and Kali and I have already almost completed a "cooking class" (granola and bread yet to be baked) and had our first "running class." Kali got new sneakers this week and loves "classes" under the name "Sally" which I constantly forget and am then corrected. She was eager to try out her shoes and wanted a running class. Since I haven't been running for months now, I was glad that her energy for the running part of the class lasted no more than 100 yards or so at a time. But we did manage to jog/walk for about 3 miles and right now that is pretty much a record around here!! It was a beautiful morning and I loved listening to her chatter and talk to the cows and me and thoughts of how and to whom to place her weather order for snow.

While I'm on Kali, two quick stories that I got good chuckles out of. I will admit that the last number of weeks have been trying as my energy has been low and with that my patience. I've not been as gracious or receptive to the many "alternative" ways that Kali enjoys engaging in activities (that often make more work/clean up for me). But she continues to explore and engage the world in wonderful ways and when I'm rested and not nauseous it's wonderful! She also loves including Tadpole in most of our conversations and he/she gets lots of kisses from Kali!

The first story happened when we were walking down College Ave to a baby shower. It seems that walks hand in hand outside bring out the best in both of us. Kali was jabbering away and at one point said, "Mommy, I have a question." Nothing unusual there. But then she paused and said, "I know this might seem like a lot of questions, but that is just the way I am!" It took me off guard and I had to just stop and squeeze her. I'm happy for her growing self awareness!

Then last evening we were walking down to get the mail. She said, "Mommy, 45 + 45 = 801." At first I didn't get her mental process and then I realized she was trying to carry the one and add columns but had gotten things a little backwards. So we talked about it a bit and then she wanted some questions. I started with, "What is 32 + 32." After a very brief pause she said, "64. Now give me harder ones than that. I'm way past that." How did she get way past adding columns of numbers in her head without me ever knowing she could do it? So we proceeded to add all sorts of other things - "trickier" ones at her request.

Well, time for cooking class to continue. I will likely put a few posts up today as pictures of the last few months are in order - our pantry is colorful and bursting and I will admit to being ready to welcome the first frost whenever it comes! The tomatoes have done a wonderful job and they have my full permission, if needed, to retire whenever they are ready to!!