Cell phone: to have or not to have...

Yep, that is the question of the week in this household! When I dropped my phone on rocks and shattered the screen while hiking with Kali and Jason last Friday it felt like a disaster. Not long after it happened I realized that I was not only distraught that I had broken my phone but almost equally distraught about how distraught I was about it (follow that?). I felt close to panic as my phone dinged, alerting me that someone had texted me and there was no way for me to tell who was trying to reach me through my shattered screen.

As we hiked down the mountain, we talked about options and tried to get Kali to weigh in. She, thus far, has about as much interest in electronics and fancy devices as her parents (that is, very little!). We talked about what it would mean to go down to one phone, to go back to a landline, to give up phones altogether, to just replace my phone and carry on as before, try to try to find an old phone from someone to repurpose, etc... We also pondered out loud what modern technology might be doing to us!

As someone who likes to live authentically and as closely in tune with my values as possible, I was experiencing once again the angst of being faced with what feels like one of the many compromises I make on a daily basis. I think we know more or less that the phones the vast majority of us use are made in part with rare minerals that are mined by adults and children in very poor working conditions (ok, so probably something akin to slavery). So the way I connect with loved ones and work colleagues and friends is through using something that was made by doing harm to others. Is that said too bluntly? I'm usually open to ways of looking at things that make me less culpable but I'm just not seeing another way around this one. And it's not that it is new information; I've known it. And it bothers me. But it slaps me in the face again when I have to choose to invest more time or more money in acquiring yet another one of these devices. I agonize all over again...

I wish I could say that my concern was solely for those that are extracting the resources from the earth to manufacture phones for us. If I'm totally honest, what has brought me up short this time was a realization that this small hand-sized object was controlling me way more than I wanted it to. It had the power to divert my attention, distract me from my family, keep me in a constant state of high alert, constantly feel like there was something I could or should be doing if my hands were free, and making it very hard for me to work at being present to my life now, here, in this place, at this time.

Then I got kind of angry. This is not the way that I want to live! My anxiety has been building these past few years, alongside feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed (to a breaking point at times). I've chalked up some of that to low sleep. That can still have some of the credit! I have attributed some of it to our offspring outnumbering us. Yep, they can have some of the credit too. But I think that this is another piece of the puzzle AND one I have some, maybe more, control over. I can work on sleep to some extent; it's improving slowly. Of course, I fully intend to remain outnumbered by our children and rather than get rid of them I want to fully soak up the beauty each one adds to my life. So maybe it's the device that needs to go, at least for a time.

I've noticed an interesting phenomenon within myself the last number of days. As we debriefed my cell phone's demise the day of, I noticed a large amount of panic within myself and just a glimmer of relief when I thought about not being accessible to the world 24/7 for a bit. As the days have gone by I've noticed a tipping of the scales. The panic has lessened and the relief has grown. Today as I was processing this decision out loud with someone before heading home from work, the image went through my mind of going home and telling my family that I'm giving up my phone. I had this little inspiration (which I did not act upon) to jump up in the air and kick my heels together - there was a feeling of lightness or freedom. I'm trying to pay attention to that, even as the questions rush in and at me when I get serious about "pulling the plug."

The day my phone broke I sent an email to hundreds of my contacts letting them know how I could be reached. At the end, I added: "If anyone has any suggestions for making ethical decisions that one can feel good about with regards to using cell phones (or how to deal with the feedback one might get from going "backwards" and choosing to not have one) I'm all ears!"

I got some wonderful responses! In addition to hearing from a few people that I seldom hear from (which was worth the email blast in and of itself), here are a few things I heard:

"We all seem to be way too attached to cells, and I have no useful suggestions for their deletion from my life, though I certainly consider it! "

"That's a bummer -- but perhaps a blessing in disguise as well."

"Yes, it is easier not to have a smartphone in the first place.  I have a TracFone... This means I can go for walks and never carry a phone because it does not work in our area.  No phone, no broken screens, and I can listen to the bird song without interruption."

"I'm with you, Janelle! Although I have a cell phone, I am a reluctant user. I carry mine in my purse when I'm away from home, otherwise, it's mostly on my kitchen counter where I often don't get to it in time even when I hear it. Likewise, I often don't hear it when I'm in public so I mostly try not to give out my number. I still like to assume that the phone is for emergency use and the number is private. (And emergencies are to be avoided, whenever possible.) All this doesn't really address your question about reversing how you relate to your cell phone--it's just an example of somebody resisting what supposedly is progress!"

By far my very favorite - which I feel inclined to cross stitch and frame on my wall was from my dear great aunt who wrote: "OH ! I.m sorry Janelle, that is a loss I,m sure.    I hope to never have that happen as mine is still fastened to the wall.  and it never gets lost, like partial plates; hearing aids, watches, scissors.pens, etc....     chin up.   you will do good.   I really do care." 

I've had multiple conversations with people in the last few days about the quandary of our relationship to the various kinds of devices that flood our stores, homes, schools, workplaces, etc... How do we relate to technology and "screens?" What kind of example do we want to leave for our children? How do we want to be spending our time? Are our relationships assisted by these devices or hindered? What does it look like to set healthy boundaries around their use? 

And I add to those some of the things that often plague me: Who will I let down if I let go of my phone? Will I not be able to be there for someone quickly when they need me if I'm not available 24/7? It is irresponsible to take this step? And to the latter one, I again will resonate with Beezus, of Beezus and Ramona, who at one point in a rare moment of "rebellion" pierced her ears without her parents' permission. This surprised them, which they expressed to her. She responded having a little fit in which she exclaimed something to the effect of, "why do I always have to be the responsible one?" 

I hope to always be an attentive, responsive, helpful and very present friend, mother, coworker, daughter, sister, and community member. I am not wanting to back away from any of that. Honestly, the decision to take a pretty drastic step "back" is actually because I have this sense that maybe I can do those things better without a "smart" phone. On the way home I was having fun thinking about making a goal of writing one handwritten letter a month for the next year. Who could I surprise with some personal mail in their mailbox? How often do we get the thrill of opening a "real" letter anymore?

I'm nursing my last baby right now. She just turned 2. If she takes after Kali she'll nurse on and off for another year. If after Alida maybe for an additional year. But she could also decide to be done tomorrow (ok, that seems highly unlikely but you never know...). When Kali was a baby and nursed, I did just that - nursed her. Now, that is a time when I am usually thinking of what else I could be doing and often I grab my phone - I can do some texting or glance over emails or scan facebook or look up recipes or.... It's all "productive" stuff right? It helps me "catch up" so I have more time later...or do I?

That's the thing. Each new piece of technology that is supposed to improve our lives and help us do things faster or more efficiently, doesn't seem to actually free up space. At least I have yet to feel like it does that for me. Maybe it is just that my personality is poorly suited to these gadgets. But how it feels to me is that each new steps towards greater speed and efficiency just means that we then ramp up our living to the next level and try to get more done in less time, plan more events, stay connected with more people (usually on a pretty surfacy level), and feel more and more and more spread thin.

That's what it's doing to me anyway. At our wedding, the friend giving the meditation noted my "gift of intensity." I haven't lost it yet and doubt I ever will. When I do something I like to do it right, or well, or with a great deal of care and attention. I put the same effort into "mastering" the art of using my phone to help me "run my life" better. And I'm ready to say that I am failing at it and that I think I'm almost ready to thank my "butter fingers" for dropping my phone the other day. 

I have not felt healthy, on an emotional and psychological level more so than physical, in recent months and have been troubled by it. I don't want to pass this opportunity by. Maybe it is extra poignant that it happened on a hike with Kali - the first "date" Jason and I have had with our eldest in years. She is 14, and not slowing up a bit on this growing up thing. The last, last, last thing I want her to remember in her final years of childhood at home is a mom who was super stressed, scattered and only semi-present, that always had a phone in her hand, that would answer her phone during meals, that never could leave it for a spell while we had family time, that was kind of listening to her when she talked but was always partially distracted. She's old enough that this transition probably won't be lost on her and that's maybe a good thing. There's also the chance that if we make some moves now to set ourselves on a different path, Alida and Terah won't even have strong memories of us spending lots of time on our phones. 

Jason and I were noting the other evening when we talked about how much of what we are doing and the choices we are making in our lives are ones that go against or at least are not in line with the dominant culture. Anyone that knows us even a little bit is likely to be able to think of multiple examples of this. It seems like it might just be time for us to get this area of our life more in line with our "out of line" posture on so many things. Like in other areas, we can enjoy thinking of it this way: there are many many people around with cell phones. If you need an example of someone with a cell phone, you'll have no trouble. What if you want to have an example of someone leading a fulfilling, fruitful, integrated life without one? Can you? 

Am I up for the challenge? Clearly, I'm considering it pretty seriously if I'm "going public" with my musings on it. This blog hasn't had a comment on it in quite some time. Anyone want to change that? Let me know your thoughts! Your reactions to anything I've said or your own musings on this topic. I'm very interested! We haven't made a final decision on which path, of the many options, to take. I'm living with the questions for now, and feeling out where this "break" will take me/us. So it's your chance to add to our process! 

And now it's time to get off this screen and into bed! I'll end with a poem by Mary Oliver that has come to mind often in recent days:

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?