Blood donating or trying at least...

I thought I'd write a little bit while the emotions are still swirling and Jason is out doing chores before I head in for an all day meeting.  Sleep has already cleared my emotional space somewhat - it usually does! Also, it is probably important to note that I went into last evening's blood drive with a lot of emotions already very near the surface - I'm saying goodbye to two close colleagues this week and so the big work transitions that have been looming for months are now at hand and that is part of what is on my heart and mind these days.  That, and journeying alongside (and mostly from a distance) friends who are walking closely with loved ones who are very ill.  So I was looking forward to last evening - a time and space to gather with others, remember Nora, remember others who are journeying through times of loss and do something helpful in the process.  We arrived a little before 5:30 p.m. with Nora's memory box, the book my Mom had created about her life, her little green blanket that I had croqueted and some homemade snacks.  One friend, who accompanied us to Nora's birth, had already finished donating.  Over the next 2-3 hours, another 12 people donated blood, Jason gave platelets, and 2 friends who could not give blood cut their hair to donate.  While Jason was hooked up to the platelet machine for most of the time, I was the resident photographer and visited with friends as they came in and donated.  You will note that I did not mention donating myself and that is because I'm not among the 12...

So my iron was too low. Despite furiously rubbing my second finger to get the blood circulating well before a second finger stick, it was still a little too low to give this time.  Big deal, one might think (you might be thinking as you read this!).  There were over a dozen others that gave, some who had never given before, and hopefully I'll be back on track in a few weeks after pulling out the iron supplements (I can hardly eat more dark greens that I'm currently forking in...).

For me, it hit a deeper emotional chord.  I'm not even sure I have all the words for it, but here goes.  In some ways it felt like my experience last night of being "rejected" from giving blood and having things not go as I had envisioned in my mind, brought me in touch just a bit more with many of the emotions that characterized that time with Nora.  I know it probably seems like a stretch, but it doesn't take a very large trigger to bring back some of those feelings.  The feeling of being out of control of the outcomes and of needing to let others do things for us that we were not able to do.  The feeling of others journeying beside us but ultimately it was our path to walk, and one that had so many unexpected twists and turns.

It was so very special to be there talking with family who knew Nora, friends who had been there to support us after she died, and new friends who have joined our circle of care and support in the years following.  And there may even be a gift hidden in my own inability to give last night. One other person's iron was too low to give also and one friend who was hoping to donate for the first time (and was eager to have others who had done it before join her) woke up with a sore throat yesterday.  So there may be a little follow up "mini-blood drive" in a few weeks!  I don't envision I'll ever be someone who is "good" at easily letting things go, but I imagine I'll keep getting plenty of experiences that give me opportunities to practice!  Hopefully many of those experiences will be small like last night, and not as much what our journey with Nora entailed.  There is so much beauty to be found and growth to be had if I'm up for the challenge!

(More pictures to follow and maybe a few more thoughts in a day or two so check back...)

Update: below is a smattering of pictures from Monday evening. And I've fully "recovered" from the disappointment of not giving, and am actually kind of amazed once again how sometimes things just work out for the best (even when, at the time, it seems bad to me).  We'll be having a little mini-blood drive with four of us coming up in just over two weeks with those that were not able to give Monday and, thanks to Aunt Emily hanging out with the kiddos at the donation center, Jason will get to join again so we'll hopefully get to donate together after all (if you give platelets you can do it every two weeks just FYI!).  I continue to be flabbergasted that it is possible that it is me noting that I was disappointed at not being able to give blood and that I'm genuinely excited to try again.  Here's hoping for increased iron reserves!  And a big thank you to all that joined us Monday and a deep sense of gratitude within me for the very tiny person that inspired the event!