Nora's 15th Birthday

I woke shortly after 1:30 this morning. I didn't linger awake long, but was taken back to 15 years prior as we laid eyes on our mysterious-to-the-medical-community baby for the first time. I woke again hours later before the sun had come up and I realized before long that Jason was also not sleeping. Those early morning hours of her birth day felt particularly dark to both of us. There we were in my postpartum recovery room trying to rest and absorb all that had transpired, being there with no baby in our arms to bond with, and wondering what was coming next for her and us. 

Over time so many streams of light filtered into the darkness. Yes, it was still often dark! But streams of light in the form of love and kindness and support from others spurred us on. And we had each other. As I snuggled next to Jason this morning and talked until the sun started to add light to the world outside, I felt so glad we've had each other through it all! 

Jason has written a lullaby for each of our girls. The intensity of caring for Nora didn't provide lots of time for things like writing songs but on the 12th anniversary of Nora's death he finished up her lullaby Wherever You Are.  I've been thinking about it here on the morning of what would have been her 15th birthday and wanted to share the lyrics as part of my reflections on this trip around the sun.

(Chorus) Sweet dreams, my dear one, wherever you are
This world's not that big, so you can't be too far
I'll hold in my mind the sweet light that you are
Or at least that's what you've been to me

I don't know all the reasons, and it wasn't my choice
When the time came that we had to part
And I hate that I can't tuck you into your bed
But I'm keeping a warm, cozy place in my heart

(Chorus) Sweet dreams, my dear one, wherever you are
This world's not that big, so you can't be too far
I'll hold in my mind the sweet light that you are
Or at least that's what you've been to me

I could barely believe it when I saw through my tears
That I had to leave without you
And I've got no way to tell you but I hope that you know
That your love is the thing that will carry me through

Love...so often the thing that carries us through. 

In many ways it feels so very fitting that Nora's birth day is falling this year on the final day of the Power in Pleasure class I've been taking this fall. One of the things we've explored in this class is how being in our bodies and in tune with all our senses can open us up to deep experiences of pleasure...AND it can also be intensely scary and uncomfortable for those of us who have absorbed many negative messages over our lifetimes about our bodies and pleasure. So these past 5 weeks have been full of new discoveries, interrogating old, no-longer-helpful messages, so many questions, a good dose of fear, more laughter, reminders to stay in this moment and not to live in just the past or the future, and on and on and on!

I remember so clearly the day with Nora when I got to go out for a little walk with her in the pack. She was content. The day was gorgeous. In that single instant, I felt alive and glad to be in that moment and there was nothing that needed to be different. The big picture was so very bleak and uncertain. But there were still pockets of joy and pleasure to be found if I could be present to all the moments that make up the day - there were plenty of good moments in the struggle. Those lessons are flooding back to me again and at this juncture in life are taking on more meaning and depth with the 15 years of living that have happened since!

In honor of the last day of my class, I'm sharing just a few snippets below of things that particularly struck me this week from the daily modules. Thank goodness I get to keep these 35 modules of content to circle back to. 

"The thing that I often have to say to myself is try easier. Try easier. I think a lot of us learned to try harder. We can insert any number of clichés and parables that really reinforce that when things are hard, you get harder. I think there is so much beauty in tenderness, in the softness, in vulnerability. I actually think that all of our strengths arise out of our tender places. ... Most of our authentic skills, resources, strengths, so much of our personhood arise out of our soft places. It is an active resistance to remain tender. As we are stuck, some of the ways that we can move through that stuckness is to be tender, is to try easier rather than try harder." Shadeen Francis

"I've learned to trust that even when things don't feel like they're changing, that underneath it all, deep in my psyche and in my bones, the tectonic plates of who I am are constantly moving in response to the questions I ask, the hopes and dreams I hold, and the small imperfect practices I stumble my way through each day." 

"What would it mean to allow our lives to be imperfect and joyous and difficult and playful and complicated and nuanced all while orienting towards satisfaction and enoughness? How can we learn to trust ourselves and each other?"

"Most of us think of setting boundaries as our no. We often equate boundary work with rejection and putting up walls...this is only one part of boundary work. Boundary work is also asking for what we DO want, our yes, our desire and longing, and being able to communicate that."

"We heal in relationship. We grow together. Just as you didn't make up all of the shame and beliefs you carry with you now, you don't have to figure it out or make new stories on your own, either."

And as the day gets rolling here and Jason is watering plants, Terah is playing legos, and the other two gals have yet to appear in the front room, I'll close by sharing some of those moments in our lives of late that have engaged one or all of my senses and brought pockets of joy, pleasure and satisfaction! And then Jason and I will be off to attempt to donate blood in Nora's memory. It's a good sign that I feel well enough to give it a go - it's been a long time!

The winter squashes are tucked into the root cellar (just in time to clear out the garage and take down the drying racks to have the space ready for my parents to use again for the winter/spring)! 

The autumn joy in Nora's garden.

This baby! He's mobile! He found the bookshelf. He loves to snuggle. He loves to watch the chickens. And he makes us feel so special when he reaches for us and holds on. Or kicks his little legs or shrieks/roars with glee when he sees us.

Pockets of reading time! Me with the girls. Or side by side with them. Reading my first romance novel in so so many years! Polished the first one off in 24 hours! Good thing frost has come (multiple times)!!

Seeing how our pigs really know how to take and savor naps. No shame here!

Fall leaves! The colors. Seeing them dance in the fall breezes. See the way they swirl to the ground. Watching the mountain change in front of us.

SPINACH! Don't count your spinach leaves before they are harvested, but this is looking so hopeful!

MASSIVE turnips! I do wish I liked them a bit more than I do, but I'm slowly learning to appreciate them!

Silliness! It is in abundance in this household. Here's Terah's new sweeping method!

Ultimate milk mates. Made with our home grown and ground whole wheat flour. Yum!

A precious circle of women friends around the fire talking for hours about...

A hike with my eldest! 

This place! This is not photoshopped. The photo doesn't even do it justice! I've savored hikes with some of my nearest and dearest to Hensley's Pond in the past week. One with a dear friend, mentor and loved one who has modeled an expanded and deepened version of what it means to live fully and erotically. A dear friend who has modeled such courage in their own healing journey. And a friend who is sharing all of life with me - the day to day, processing the past, envisioning the future, and cheering each other on in our quest to live the best versions of ourselves.

French toasted nutty sweet potato waffles with ginger sugar.

Some of the last raspberries of the year.

Community! Neighbors! Borrowing stuff like this Nutrimill that has forever changed my relationship to grinding grains! :) 

This place! It has held my joy, my sorrow, my laughter, my tears, my love, my anger, my wrestling, my questions, death, new life, and so much planting, weeding, harvesting and processing of not just fruits and veggies but of life at large!