Spring is coming...

It may be snowing outside again as I type, but our first walking iris bud bloomed today!! And the lettuce, onions, and red russian kale seeds have sprouted in their pots by the windows.

Snowy days give way to reminiscing...

What a glorious morning. It was so bright out, with crystals on top of the snow, that I couldn't really tell what I was taking pictures of but everything around me was sparkling and beautiful. I started the morning by shoveling out the laundry line so I could freeze dry at least one load of the laundry that has been piling up the last week or so. My arms were already feeling that good, tired, sore feeling from the shoveling yesterday...

We had another sleepover in the front room last evening which has made the weekend feel a little more festive and fun. Yesterday ended with such a warm cozy feeling, as I lounged on the futon doing some reading and Kali played blocks very energetically and enthusiastically with Jason (both were having a very good time!)

Here, for those that haven't already seen them, are photos of yesterday's fun and adventures:
http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/Snowstorm#

And new pictures from today, complete with some captions to give a sense of the activities photographed. That good, sore, tired feeling is more pronounced this evening!!: http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/DayAfterSnowstorm#

On the backdrop of this snowy relaxed weekend has been a challenging month for me emotionally. Just as the sun broke through two days of low visibility, snow and clouds, I am hopeful that the coming weeks will provide more opportunities for processing and getting more clarity around the swirling emotions. I've been missing Nora a lot and finding myself reliving moments of her life with us more these days than I have for months. I also miss talking about her.

Recently at work, I was going through files of our December graduates and purging them of unnecessary documents before I put them with my other alumni files. I found myself pausing as I flipped through piles of correspondence with these students. The dates jumped out at me: May 30, 2008, June 6, 2008, etc... Some of these students were just entering the program the summer of Nora's death. Others knew her and were some of the many people who supported us. For me, it was an odd feeling to realize that from here on out, almost all students that will be graduating will not have known Nora. She was such a part of my work life for several months that many memories are still intertwined with my memories of working with students and colleagues. It is another marker of the passage of time.

It may be silly to even think this way, but the last few days I've been grateful that the winter Nora was with us was not like the one we are experiencing this year. Jason and I were just reflecting last night that we hardly remember any snow falls while Nora was at home with us. I took a picture this morning of her memory garden all covered with snow. What new life is waiting to burst forth as the ground thaws and warms.

Maybe it is that winter brings with it a certain longing - longing for new life, for more light, for color and warmth...And two winters ago we found ourselves longing for good news, for hopeful signs, for growth that didn't come. Maybe this time of year will always be a reminder for me of hopes unfulfilled. Yet it is countered so strongly by Kali's vibrant love of life and SNOW. She thinks at times that all this snow is because she ordered it. :) And she is considering ordering it year round so watch out!

There may be more we'll note here about our processing in the coming weeks. We have the opportunity to engage in an interview for a website that has been created by a current CJP student: http://www.journey-through-grief.com/ Reading her book Seasons of Solace during the past week has been very helpful. We will also be sharing in a Trauma Awareness and Transformation class about the role of writing in our grief journey (and likely much more). We find ourselves always grateful, even when it stretches us, for opportunities to talk and write about Nora and our time with her and without her. Among other things, it helps keep the memories alive, which is a more precious gift with each passing day.

Snowy weekend

Kali is proving to be more and more like her Grandma Myers in her love of snow!!! She has been quite thrilled with the additional 4-8 inches of snow that fell yesterday. We bundled up yesterday and today and enjoyed "penny walks" outside. This was a suggestion in one of Kali's magazines - in short, each person chooses a destination. One of you is "tails" and the other "heads." You shake the penny and then whichever side is up that tells you your first destination. Once there, you choose two new destinations, shake again and so on... Very fun and I told Jason, as silly as it is, it somehow fills my desire to be accomplishing something. :) And Kali is happy to do things like deliver egg cartons to our neighbors, check the mail, empty the compost, fill the bird feeder (as well as lots of silly things like jumping jacks in the snow, pulling her around in the snow to form huge letters, etc...) as long as it all falls under the "penny walk" heading.

Yesterday and today Kali and I have restocked our bread, granola and granola bar supply, as well as cooking dinner last night exclusively on our wood stove. Today we have maple barbecue chicken marinating in the fridge and are about to roll out our lamb's quarter homemade pasta. We have had fun doing projects, keeping Jason fed but otherwise staying out of his way!

Jason and I took time Friday morning to do a quick "2010 Strategic Plan for the Myers-Benners." It was helpful for me to get our goals for this year on paper and, while very daunting, somehow alleviated a portion of my anxiety about the coming months and gave me more energy and an ability to see how I can be helpful. So much of the big projects coming up fall largely on Jason's shoulders (building chicken coops, building a wood shed, disassembling the tower, etc...).

Speaking of the tower, Jason removed the first of the paneling today! So it is really coming down! While we are nowhere close to ready to take it down, he needed some wood for the "rooster condo" he is building and figured he would go ahead and start using the tower wood. I had to laugh to see Kali covering her ears while Jason was banging away. We have a picture of Kali in her highchair soon after we moved here with her hands over her ears and Jason putting up trim in the background. Here we go again!!

...We have now enjoyed a very late lunch and one well worth waiting for. I was laughing as we rolled out sheet after sheet of pasta. I thought it was a bit ridiculous that the recipe online I was using for spinach pasta noted that it served 4 people. I thought we would have pasta for days. Let's just say that I did not put away any leftovers (though I do have enough noodles drying for at least one lasagna). We consumed a lot of pasta. Kali was thrilled to have fewer comments offered about possibly adding some variety to her plate other than just plain noodles and I was happy to see her consuming large amounts of eggs from our chickens, lamb's quarter from our garden patch and non-GMO ww flour. We'll be doing that more often, though the amount of cranking involved won't likely make it as regular an activity.

Time to see if the laundry on the line thawed and dried for me.

One other thing to note: for those familiar with the game cribbage, it seems worth mentioning that Kali now beats me about half the time. I recognize that there is some element of luck in the game, but still... It has also been interesting to note that she now really tries and doesn't just keep all the letter cards because she likes them best! We'll see if the competitive Myers gene is coming into full bloom or not?

Cleaning up our road - what dedication!!

So we haven't done a family "trash walk" lately. I knew that Jason and Kali were likely going to go to the dump later this week and that a sunny day was coming up for laundry drying so today seemed a very good opportunity to make a dent in all the trash and recycling I've been noticing along the road. And Kali enjoys trash walks a lot, especially can smashing.

It was colder than I was expecting when we ventured out this morning to give an apple core to Curious Hiddley. But after stocking up energy with a large pancake for breakfast and some time looking at dust bunnies, flax seeds and plant leaves under Kali's microscope, we bundled up and headed out. But note that this time the family trash walk was just a Kali and Janelle trash walk, as Jason is up the hill today butchering chickens for S and M (and us) - Kali is going through our canned chicken chunks at an alarming rate!!

The first half of the trash walk was very fun. Kali practically ran the mile in to the outskirts of Keezletown. She enthusiastically jumped on cans and picked up trash (even red trash - despite her current dislike of that color) along the road. The wind made opening the large garbage bags a bit of a challenge, but doable. About halfway into town the recycling bag was getting a bit heavy and I was finding it a bit trying to balance carrying both bags, pushing the jogger and watching for cars, trash and recyling!!

At the halfway point is a puddle that had been a favorite "ice skating" spot for weeks when it was frozen solid. With the recent rain it had become a deep thick mud puddle and we had come prepared. The jogger had been carrying Kali's over shoes so that she could tromp around. Just about the time I figured we had better head home before Kali got cold and wanted to be at home 5 minutes earlier, I heard (from a bit farther down the road where I was picking up a bottle), "uh oh" and looked back to see Kali sitting in the puddle.

So now her feet and pants were wet and she was ready to be at home and not out for a trash walk. And I will admit to not overflowing with grace as we started the trek home - now with two large trash bags of increasing weight, pushing Kali now in the jogger who was not overly cheerful. By the time we got to our driveway, having given up trash/recycling collection when both bags were starting to get tears in them and we had picked up one particularly smelly bottle that was making the aroma around us unpleasant, the humor of the situation had come home to me.

I had managed to load up one of the bags on the back of the jogger and had Kali's agreement to do so, with her other option being that she walk (okay, so maybe it was a borderline threat but I really am not sure I would have physically been capable of pushing her and carrying the two bags...) As soon as we were both inside, warmed up, in dry clothes and with some lunch in our bellies, it was all worth it. We did, however, agree that trash walks are probably best with Daddy along.

In other news, we are now happy owners of a "herd share." We are currently getting one gallon of local milk weekly, soon to go up to two. I have my first batch of yogurt "incubating" and just made my second batch of butter with Kali and her friend R from next door. It is very exciting to know that our recycling bin will fill up at a much slower rate now that we will have no milk jugs to add to it, as well as other dairy containers. I hope to start learning some about cheese making in the coming months.

We just decided at a recent family meeting that for Lent we are going to give up grocery stores. It will be a fun challenge and will encourage us to work down our freezer and pantry supply, to make the Saturday Farmer's Market a weekly tradition and to experiment more with making dairy products from our milk. Kali was not overly enthusiastic initially because she was concerned about having a supply on hand of yo-baby yogurts, arthur macaroni and cheese and alphabet cookies (three treats she likes to pick out from the natural foods section at Kroger but that are not even normally at our house all the time). However, when she got some sense of how long 40 days was and my reassurance that we could get one of each to "tie her over" she was ready to commit too - and seemed excited about the prospects of using her own pasta maker more and experimenting with making flavored yogurts at home. We'll do our best to keep it fun!

Lastly, I was waiting to have the final word on the health and well-being of Herm and Germ but I only have half of a report. We can now say that at least one of our goldfish is amazing!!!!! The long cold spell started to get us worried when our rain barrel seemed to be freezing all the way to the bottom. We kept thinking it would warm up, or we'd forget about it for a few days. Finally, Jason took a few steps to try to aid the thawing process and just in the past week it was back to water again. But no sign of our two goldfish that had weathered several winters outside, and who had come to Fruit Farm Lane with us from our Wolfe Street home over 4 years ago. I felt very sad to think that we might have not only let down one of the hens under our care but had also let our goldfish freeze to death. I got an excited call from Jason yesterday at work letting me know that he had just had his first goldfish spotting and it was ALIVE!!! We have yet to see two at one time so we are still waiting to see if the living fish has a living fish friend.

As I sat down to write this blog I looked over at Kali on the floor and I smiled! She had been "knee deep" in stuffed animals minutes before and had settled down with a stack of magazines. She looked very comfy, complete with modeling the big hole in the toe of her sock that gives her foot a way out the bottom end when hot. While I'm more than ready to send them to the rag bag, they are one of the only purple pairs left in her drawer and so they are treasured! Now she is concentrating on writing out the months of the year and organizing her magazines by month. For this moment the house is quiet and I'm enjoying sitting in front of our big picture window watching the clouds move across the moutain and patches of blue peeking out now and then with an occasional snowflake sailing to the ground.

Lost (bummer) and Found (yikes!)

Two weeks ago Kali had her first play date with some kids she had related to at Shenandoah Valley Community School, and who live not too far from us (their parents are CSA and market gardeners…we’ve got a lot in common!)

As they were about to leave, we were checking out the chickens. One of the kids was enjoying counting the different kinds (I think it was Kali). The number she came up with for Silver Laced Wyandottes was 3. Hmm. I checked, because the number should be 5. As usual, my daughter’s observation was reliable. 3 it was.

Because the coop had to be perched on top of frozen hunks of snow, and a bit of melting had occurred during the day, a gap had opened under the fence, and two chickens had apparently escaped. I was not bothered by this insult to the customary order of things (I try not to be like that), and nor was I concerned about catching them again (I’m pretty good at that). I was, however, mildly worried because I had no idea where they were, and dark was approaching.

After they left, Kali and I took a spin around the property, eventually finding one of the hens after she emerged into broad daylight to merrily scratch in the grass. She was easily apprehended and returned to safety. The other one was still missing, and it happened to be the best hen of that breed that we had. I suspected that she was still in one tangled thicket or other (there are plenty to choose from), but she managed to evade my eyesight. As darkness descended, snow began to fall, and I wished she were under the roof of her coop, perched in a warm row with the others. All I could do was hope the owls and foxes would also fail to notice her.

Not so. As I was walking along the driveway in the morning through a fresh inch of snow, a set of animal tracks caught my attention. They looked like tiny dog tracks (with the nail prints visible), except that they were in a line like a cat's would be. Appearing beside the prints was a steady linear depression, like a lopsided tail drag. Just exactly what you'd expect to see if a fox had drug a chicken carcass off during the night. I wanted to make sure, so I followed the tracks forward (I lost the trail as it entered the woods) and then backwards, where a few chunks of flesh and a few smatterings of feathers gave me a pretty good indication of the way things had gone. I could see where she had roosted, and though I didn't know whether the Cooper's hawk I had seen taking off from that general area earlier in the morning had been the first on the scene or if it had all been the fox's doing, the moral of the story is that she was eaten during the night or near first light.

I was pretty sad. In one sense, it's not reasonable to be sad about that, because I eat my chickens often and with little (though some) sadness. Perhaps it's sort of selfish to begrudge my fellow meat-eaters a place at the table. The fact is I do not attach moral significance to this kill. The hawk and/or fox are just finding sustenance in the most skillful ways they know. Somehow I just don't like seeing her meet her end in that way. I sort of make a deal with any animal I bring into the world that I will provide for their comfort and safety for as long as I judge them to be of use to me, and that when the time comes I will do my best to respect them in practical ways at their time of passing. This is partly anthropomorphism, I know, and nature has no such scruples. It's just how I work out the relationships that cannot help but arise when farming animals, and I felt sad when it seemed I had let her down. I'm o.k. now. So is she.

Barriers (fencing included) are one way we arrange for peaceful co-existence with our natural antagonists of whatever kind. Sometimes that reality comes home rather dramatically.

The other evening, Kali got a bee in her bonnet to learn about the major fixtures and appliances in our home. We discussed refrigerators and freezers first, opening up the utility compartment of the freezer to see the compressor, etc. Then we were onto ovens, then sinks, then toilets. As we were discussing and discovering water pressure from gravity versus mechanical systems, there came a point when I wanted to show her where the water comes into the house from the crawl space. It was easy enough to do, because the pipe comes in right under the little wooden box on which sits our toilet brush and extra toilet paper. In the back of my mind was the knowledge that removing this box violates one such peace-keeping barrier in our home, but I have done so often without incident.

This time was different. I nonchalantly lifted away the box (which has always simply been setting in that location, held there by its own weight), let out a loud "WHOA!" and hastily slammed it back into position before the cute little blacksnake hibernating under the pipe could get any ideas about waking up and scurrying under the washer or making a break for the bedroom.

This is the kind of thing you hate to tell your wife about, but I knew she had to know. So, the perfect solution arose: allow Kali to tell her, of course! It took some time to convince Janelle (and her mom, who was staying with us for the weekend) that Kali was referring to a literally true event, but when reality sunk in it was quickly decided that the box must be firmly affixed in place, with screws, that evening, starting now. The work was, of course, completed efficiently and without complaint.

The box, you see, is open to the plumbing chase, which is contiguous with the roof cavity, which is, from a mouse or snake's perspective, contiguous with the great outdoors. With the advent of renovations accompanying the construction of the in-law quarters on our place, the peace-keeping barrier will be moved outward, such that critters will find entry to the roof cavities impossible. That will be nice.

Barriers have their limits. That statement could be from the Department of Redundancy Department, but it's intended to mean that choosing a barrier for negotiating a relationship with a possibly antagonistic force isn't always the most advantageous. Agriculturally and otherwise, we westerners tend to think in terms of barriers. We lock our doors, seal our borders, mend our fences, put up our "keep off" signs, wear latex gloves, blast our food and homes with noxious chemicals, caulk the joints, etc. etc. It makes the thinking and planning simple for linear, if-then minds.

But every creature, western or no, depends on an earth ecology that is characterized not by barriers and eradication, but by webs of mutual support, interdependence, tolerance, and modulation. We would do well to open our minds to the reality of the ecology on which we depend, so that we can better choose where barriers are appropriate and sensible solutions, but also recognize when they are doing more harm than good, or causing unintended consequences.

This is part of why I am currently enrolled in a Permaculture Design Course put on by the Blue Ridge Permaculture Network. Four weekends of input and a team design project seem as if they will get me on my way to capably accounting for a multiplicity of forces and factors in arranging our living and production patterns and systems here at home. The course is set up to qualify us for creating designs with/for others as well, though that is not specifically why I'm taking the course. I recommend the Permaculture Principles website to anyone who is intrigued by this notion and wishes to know more: http://permacultureprinciples.com/

No stage fright here!

We returned about 1 this morning after a second holiday trip to PA. This one was primarily to participate in a retirement party for my Mom, who has dedicated much time, energy and passion over the last 9-10 years to starting up and directing Compeer Lancaster (http://www.compeerlancaster.org/). While I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss it, I also wasn't necessarily expecting it to be as personally meaningful as it was. I admit to feeling a bit surprised and self conscious when I could sense that the tears were going to start flowing and not easily be stopped during much of the program planned to honor Mom.

On our trip back to Keezletown, I attempted to articulate for Jason and myself what made that space and the service so touching. I imagine it was many things colliding at once in those 45 minutes: thinking of Mom's journey with cancer during the early years and being grateful for the gift of more years with her presence than, at moments, we thought we would have; sensing in that space how life transforming this program has been for many people who otherwise don't even have one meaningful friendship or much other fulfillment in their lives; sensing how much that differs from my own life that so often, even with challenges and pain, feels full and overflowing; thinking about the milestone of Mom's retirement and knowing that while it appears as a loss to some it is also one marker on the way towards their transition to WV and eventually to Keezletown, and the big year ahead as we undergo construction on their home attached to ours; and possibly most notable for me were the feelings attached to being in a space with over 100 people who I hardly knew and yet a good number of them knowing something (if not a lot) about me and my family. It was odd, and very touching, to have more people talk with me about Nora and express their heartfelt support and condolences in the short time we were there than at any other gathering that I can remember (other than memorial services). I'm still trying to soak in the uniqueness of that gathering...

The most fun part of the party was the post-party entertainment! Kali must have been eyeing the microphones and listening intently to the music during the short service. Prior to the party she was at the front dancing to her heart's content to the music coming from a small CD player (background music to most but to her ears it was all the people talking that was the background noise!).

She and her cousins C and T joined her on stage as people continued mingling, eating and eventually cleaning up. They enjoyed dancing, racing across the state, timidly talking in the microphones and then more and more boldly as time passed until "Row, Row, Row your Boat...Life is But a Dream" was being belted out for all to hear!

Prior to Grandma's party Kali and I were talking about it and Kali was curious about the idea of Grandma maybe feeling a bit nervous to be the center of so much attention. It was cute to see Kali thinking about putting herself in Grandma's shoes - she concurred that if there was a party for her with over 100 people there it would be fine if she didn't have to talk. If she had to talk she would not like it but if she could just be there she would like it. That's our girl!

However, put a microphone in her hand and get her on a stage and it seems that the shyness often noticed quite strikingly in interactions with people (even those fairly close to her) evaporates.

The New Year

I subscribe to "The Daily Groove" and get short daily inspirational messages regarding enjoying parenting more fully (http://www.enjoyparenting.com/get-your-daily-groove). Today's started: "If you make only one resolution this New Year, let it be simply to LIVE LIFE MORE FULLY."

I think that encompasses it for me. The last number of days at home, I've carved out time (thanks to Kali's patience with me sitting and knitting with someone talking via the CD player in the background) to listen to the CD's I was given by Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication. While I have been introduced briefly to this model of communication, listening to 5 hours of him sharing about this "language of life," with many stories that I could relate to was a very powerful experience, as well as humbling. In our family meeting last night we agreed to listen to them together in the evenings next week.

It's been interesting to already notice how the conversations I have with Kali and Jason shift when I try to apply some of what he suggests. Some of the most powerful tidbits for me so far include:

1. It is often hard for us to separate out observation and evaluation. Many of us are conditioned to always be judging or evaluating. While those can be important skills at times, we need to know how to also make observations that are free of judgment. While it sounds simple, it does not come easy for me and I can see how much many of my relationships would benefit from me becoming more at ease with that skill.

2. No one else is responsible for my feelings. And I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Kali cannot make me angry or frustrated or annoyed or elated. She can do things that trigger those emotions in me, but the same actions can trigger different emotions depending on what is going on inside of me at the time. Also, seems rather common sense, and yet in practice in life it is a powerful shift in language for me. Just to notice how many times I might say, "I feel ____, because you ____." I like so much that he gave examples of how we can shift our language to focusing on observing what is happening, identifying our feelings and our needs and then working at strategies for addressing the needs.

3. Identifying underlying needs is hard work!!! I'm putting many situations and relationships through my new "nonviolent communication lens" and find that I get stuck when I think about things that frustrate me and then try to keep asking, "what is the need behind that feeling? "

So this is what I hope to explore more in depth in 2010. It goes right alongside our continued journey into parenting in a way that respects Kali and us, and is in line with what we value most in life. So I think it all fits into living more fully. And for me that also includes being more present in every given moment of each day.

Today at lunch was one of those moments with Kali I am so glad I didn't miss. She made cornpone for us with her new kitchen stuff from Aunt B (including a red apron which she wears without any complaints, despite its color!). She was gobbling them up but then got thoughtful (and distracted) when they were gone and all that was left was soup that was fun to play with but not as inspiring for eating.

She mused, "There are three different meanings to the word bear/bare...the one when you really don't like something but you can bear it...then there is the animal...and then there is bare when you aren't wearing any clothes." That must have triggered another thought because the next moments she piped up that she had a joke for us. "What does a horse say to a kid who is running around without any clothes on?"

"Neigh...kid" I know this is an evaluation statement, but I think she is a pretty funny little girl! I could also state that her jokes fulfill a need in me for playfulness and I'm so glad she is in my life because of the way her approach to life enriches my own!!