Well, let's intersperse into this series of posts one of the not so fun things about life of late. There's so much beauty and vibrant life around us, but it is kinda hard to be present to it and soak it up when you feel crummy. And we've had a dose of crumminess around here, the slow moving kind of crummy! The fact that I'm blogging is a good sign - I've had more sleep and my mind feels a bit clearer again and my worry gauge is not in the danger zone anymore (it doesn't take much to put it there - we were not horribly ill!).
As we had planned to do this spring, we have been loosening up our restrictions a bit around what we will/won't do in close proximity to other humans ("a bit" should be emphasized!). We have been rewarded by some lovely times with dearly treasured friends AND some not so lovely times with dreaded bugs. And it has created this dance of loosening up a bit, getting a virus on board, tightening back down to contain it within our family and then trying to figure out when we feel ok resuming activities again. To say I don't like it is a bit of an understatement. And it feels like most of us are dancing different dances, making different choices about when to dance or when not to dance, maybe feeling left out of the dance or feeling frustrated by people that just keep dancing regardless of how others around them might be feeling. It makes relationships hard. It raises difficult feelings. Sometimes I want to scream or cry or retreat...
Does anyone else have a hard time remembering how we handled illness pre-Covid? I can remember having to cancel things, especially with kids and other families. I remember the annoyance of making plans, only to have to shift things or reschedule due to fevers and vomiting and nasty colds. BUT I also remember going to work sick, being in meetings while sick, working alongside others who were sick, etc... It's really hard to imagine walking into a building with a nasty cold and just going into a colleague's office for a conversation and breathing on them! I did that! Is that a "normal" I would ever want to return to? Is some "happy medium" even an option?
I have so many unanswered questions on this and it's just a day by day thing. It's assessing risks often and balancing those with benefits. It's looking at what we have coming up and trying to stay as healthy as is reasonably possible for the things that feel most important to us. And we don't always get it right, if there is a right. Or, maybe I should say, things don't always line up the way we had hoped.
I just know that I don't like when my kiddos wilt!
And I sure get a surge of relief coursing through my veins when they perk back up!
One of the hardest things about us getting sick is it interrupting our times with Jonathan, Christen and Luca and our days of hanging with Luca. Both families were kinda gunky for the last stretch, but unlikely the same gunk so we had no desire to swap viruses! But Luca cannot understand that and it was hard for him to get why I would not hold him on our walk. Holding his hand worked for a bit, which was super sweet, but it wasn't the same (for me or him - it was kinda hard on both of us!!). Let's hope we can be snuggling together again real soon! The walk was still lovely, seeing Luca enjoy throwing things in the pond and smoosh his stocking feet into the mud was entertaining, and the fresh air and conversation with friends was welcome. But, even in those times, I pine for a feeling of ease and normalcy. There's no obvious solution, that I can see. So we keep finding our way with a good dose of discomfort along the way!
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